Hard couple of days.............kind words/advice appreciated

[Guest Whizz4848]

Hi all, well like many of you I find the rollercoaster that is my Pure O continues. Mine is always based around a fear of hurting myself or others. Most notably this has manifested in something nice and unpleasant which is a fear of being suicidal or becoming suicidal. I then get a range of intrusive thoughts about this about things I might do, questioning constantly am I getting really low and depressed is that why I'm having these thoughts. although I'm far more chronic anxiety than depressed really. I also have CFS recently diagnosed so my previously used strategies of exercise are completely gone, I find this really tough. Having used to run half marathons and go out and train when I felt the PURe O Anxiety had a grip, I'm now confronted with my biggest safety net having been taken away. Its a real bummer. In a way though I wonder if the chronic fatigue was itself in part brought on by two huge bouts of pure O/chronic anxiety over the past few years that put me out for a total of 10 months from work on separate occasions. I think the anxiety and the thoughts drained me and made me pretty susceptible to getting ill full stop.

So I here I sit about to go to my mindfulness course, anxious as hell and frightened of being here alone in my flat, the nagging fear always at the back of mind asking what if I hurt myself or worse, yet with no desire but fear when I think these things.

I just got married and feel guilty to my wife, she knows I;m like this but I still feel like a let down a failure in some ways. Also I'm off work and could apply similar feelings to that, letting people down etc. I really don't think I want to return though as its a really stressful job.

Underneath all this is a sadness, I feel like there's a little boy who just needs to cry loads, but at the same time, if I cry I feel its something I just cant do in front of others as they will worry about me and it looks like I'm broken. On the other hand I won't cry alone as I feel like its a real sign of how ill I am and that doing it alone compounds the Pure O questions of " are you really that low, are you depressed are you suicidal"" blah blah blah.

Its weird I have some good days, the sun shines through the pure O, I feel pretty much myself, then like today I wake up and its "uh oh... here we go again".

OCD is a fuc*ing as*hole. Sorry needed to vent a bit !!!

Well if anyone has any kind words, wisdom, advice, jokes or anything they can say it would be welcomed by me and the little boy whose scared inside me..

Thanks guys

[taurean]

Hi whizz

I'll contribute that you do seem to have mental compulsions to analyse and ruminate, so I wouldn't myself label this pure O. Its usual to be able to uncover mental compulsions when there aren't overt behavioural complusions like cleaning checking etc.

You are in very large company on this forum. Its those mental compulsions - the engaging with the obsessins - that cause the anxiety, so getting CBT and/or working through some specific self-help targeting your problems will really help you.

Edited September 22, 2014 by taurean

[PolarBear]

So this guy walks into a bar and sits down and says to the bartender, "Hey mate..."

Nah, just kidding. Look, a good cry can be really beneficial. It's like a sudden cleansing of all your emotions. It's like hitting a reset switch and all your emotions get reset to zero again. You don't need to worry about what it says about you as a person. We don't cry enough! We stifle it because we're afraid of appearing weak. To heck with it! Bawl your eyes out! Get it out of your system!

[Imhotep]

Oh boy, I've had this obsession bad in the past, and it kind of hovers over me to this day. Even when I've had a low mood kind of day (which is perfectly natural) the OCD spins this into doubt : "Is this an onset of depression? Will you end up killing yourself later?" That sort of thing. I even posted a topic earlier in the month about it, as it's one of my worst fears of becoming true. As you rightly say, OCD can be shoved where the Sun don't shine, I cannot understand why it's trying to 'kill' me, pushing me into darker and darker corners, as if to prove a point.

I think trying to look at positives is a basic start, if like me you like nature, I just admire its beauty and complexity, and I then move onto my own senses. Actually that's a key point: stimuli. Provide yourself with lots of it, we as people are not designed to sit and ruminate. Listen to music, watch your favourite shows, play video games, study, etc. It's a real bummer about your CFS, and of course it has made your mental state worse. Perhaps taking anti-depressants could help you through this difficult period.

[Guest Whizz4848]

Thanks all its funny how when you reach out the simple act of people responding by just text can make me feel comforted. Thanks. Polar Bear that was a great intro made me laugh Imhotep you're right I need to spend less time sitting and more time engaged in things eventhough I cant do my old exercise regime etc.

Yeah and maybe a good cry is on the cards. I never seem to afford myself the luxury of a good howl and I wonder if then the emotins that shuld be expressed stagnate inside me and become toxic as they are meant to be let out.

Thanks again all most appreciated :laugh:

PS Imhotep is that name linked to the pharoahs

[Imhotep]

It is related to the Egyptians, but I chose the name from a cult comedy show that it was mentioned in at the time of setting up my account.

[FoosBoo88]

Always here if you need a chat, I'm not a million miles away, you know that. Your thoughts are similar to my own, I'm also not long married (18 months in November) so I relate all too well to those feelings of guilt that Pure O puts onto a new marriage. Pure O is part of the reason we're renewing our vows in either 2 or 4 years time.

I don't have CFS, but I do have Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome, That drains me as well. Not to mention going from 10st to 19st because I can't do a majority of cardio exercises because of pain is a real nightmare. Nevermind, we'll get there

Also, in relation to emotions, that's something I relate to. A lot of people see me as strong, supportive and motherly. There is still a little girl inside, still a little 5-year-old who still wants her Mummy, that doesn't change. My husband has moderate depression and when he gets it tough he turns to me. People understand depression. Nobody really understands the big deal with Pure O, it's not our fault we're sensitive souls!

As I said, I'm here if you need me.

FoosBoo88 x

[Guest Whizz4848]

Thanks Foos really kind of you to share that and to be there as a support, its most appreciated. Gosh sounds like you got ot tough to. You seem very positive though in your attitude and outlook, how do you manage to stay like that any tils or ideas?

Cheers

Whizz

[FoosBoo88]

Laugh, and don't be scared to cry. It's only human

FoosBoo88 x

[Guest Adam Samson]

Hi Whizz,

Forcing myself to spend time with other people helps me to keep a positive outloook. I am a natural loner - I usually feel very uncomfortable being with other people because I am socially gawky and I don't make conversation easily. But if I spend too much time alone I start to feel gloomy, so I make the effort to be with people whenever I can. I can't honestly say I feel relaxed with other people but it keeps my mood buoyant.

Another thing that helps me is I compile a list of my favourite jokes and I read through them from time to time. I particularly like jokes that show people up for being eccentric or absurd or unbalanced, because although we all imagine we are sophisticated and mature, I think everyone is as nutty as a fruitcake in our own individual ways! Recalling my favourite jokes helps me not to take myself too seriously and helps me see the funny side of life.

You asked for a joke, so here are a couple:

FOR SALE:

Encyclopaedia Britannica, 35 volumes, excellent condition, £1000 or nearest offer.

Reason for selling: I got married last week and my wife knows flippin’ everything.

Two psychologists meet in the street. One says, "Hello."

The other thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I wonder what he meant by that."

[Guest Whizz4848]

Ha ha thanks Adam those were good and yeah I totally get the bit about being around others even if you're not relaxed. I went out with friends Saturday night for a curry. I felt bonkers and it was like I was sat at the table looking in on all these "normal" people chatting whilst my head inside was like a nuclear test site going off. I had my fears of glassing the bloke next to me, a usual one and an old one that has been around for years. But by the end of the night, I was more relaxed and avoiding going would have only made the beast bigger.Anxiety/OCD loves loneliness and too much time by ourselves. It thrives in this. But at the same time, having time to relax and be oneself can also be helpful.

Cheers

[Guest lizinlondon]

Good jokes!