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Kind of relapse after a year


Guest kir_2468

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Guest kir_2468

Hi,

I had pure o from October last year, I went through months and months of absolute hell. My intrusive thoughts mainly concentrated on hurting people especially children which ruined me conpeltely. It took over my life, ruined my relationship at the time (I was so stressed I ended it) and broke me as a person. With some help of a slightly bewildered therapist (who I never told the full extent of how I felt) and a lot of research and determination on my part I got to what I would call recovery.

However, since last week the thoughts have come back and this time with an absolute vengeance and I don't know why. I feel anxious nearly all of the time and all I want to do is sleep. The intrusive thoughts are back to their old theme and the doubting is worse than ever and I'm almost convincing myself I'm just a terrible terrible person who will end up in prison.

At the moment it's not as bad as it was last year, I feel like I've taken one step back from the three I took to recover. I know I can't ask for reassurance that 'it's definitely the ocd' etc. but maybe just some advice on how to stabalise my thoughts and not take any more steps back? I don't think I could go through it again.

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Hi kir_2468,

Firstly, this is my first time on here as I've only just become a member after discovering this website last night.

Secondly, I'm not sure what 'pure o' is, but from what you have said, it includes thoughts of hurting people & of being a bad person.

I can sympathise with you here. I've had OCD since I was a child (although I didn't know it then), but it really became a problem when I was 18. I would get intrusive thoughts that I would hurt people, that I was a bad person. I felt like I deserved these thoughts & secretly wanted them. I tried to 'neutralise' by repeating words or hitting myself (as punishment I guess), but it never stopped.

It took me ten years to seek help & that is when another incident non-OCD related added extra problems to my life. It was the straw that broke the camels back tbh. Even then I couldn't tell anyone the 'real' problem, ie. the OCD. That took me another 3 years. I saw a therapist & like you I didn't tell them about the intrusive thoughts & the sick imagery in my head. They treated the depression as best they could but asked me if it would be worth seeing a CBT therapist, I said yes although I'd never heard of a CBT therapist & was begining to feel hopeless. In the first session with my CBT therapist I had had enough of feeling awful & I just told him the truth, instead of being horrified, he just said 'oh, this sounds like OCD, it's not nice but we can treat it'. Suddenly, this big balloon of anxiety & self hate deflated. I'd made a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I'm not going to say it went away just like that, it didn't, it took time, but once I knew that this was an illness & that I wasn't some kind of monster, life became a lot better.

I still have OCD, & I am going having more treatment, but it is for different reasons & also because I didn't keep up the therapy properly (my own fault) plus some othe underlying issue's. BUT this time I know what it is, it doesn't have the same hold over me it once did & I'm positive I can defeat once & for all this time! ;-)

So, in short I would strongly recommend that you see a CBT therapist. Tell them the truth, I know it's hard but these thoughts arn't real, they are OCD.

Believe me it is so much better once you can speak to somebody who understands & can help you.

Sorry for the long post, best of luck!

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Short answer: What you did to overcome your OCD last time, do it again.

Identify your compulsions and resist/stop doing them. Let the thoughts pop up as they will and don't give them any attention. Leave them alone and let them float around in your head. Keep getting on with your day. Live with the increased anxiety.

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