Hey, not sure if I belong

[Guest Horse Hats]

I've always managed to stop myself from wondering about it, but lately I've happened across a couple of things about OCD and it's like I couldn't ignore it any longer.

I don't want to spend my time on these forums feeling like I relate to you guys if I don't have the condition, because that would be a dick move. It all makes sense that I do have it though, I think... I suppose I just need some people to tell me if it's real or not. If these symptoms are relatable to every human being or if it's bigger than that.

As far back as I can remember I have dealt with this:

- Often I find myself touching my fingers in a certain way so as to match syllables or words I'm reading. It's always a specific way I HAVE to do it and once I've started I can't stop until it's finished.

- If I spin around completely for any reason, I will have to spin back the other way at some point. I always try to stop myself I know it's silly, but I literally have to do it.

- I'm afraid of exploring certain thought processes because I feel like it could instantly change me as a person.

- I have dark thoughts all the damn time. Several times a day since I was very young, I will think about raping someone, murdering someone, harming people in any way, how easy it would be to do that right now, kind of thing. It's usually people that are very close to me too. I swear I would never actually do anything like that, but it terrifies me and I can't tell anyone because of what they might think. Kind of afraid of the reaction I'll get here too...

There are so many more, I need someone to tell me if it's normal.

What do I do if I do have a form of OCD? I couldn't tell anyone. It's such an over-used word that no-one would take me seriously, they'd just think I'm saying it for attention.

Sorry, for this. I've got so much to say but it's a hundred things bouncing against each other every second, I don't know what to do. Thank you for reading.

[PolarBear]

Horse Hats, welcome to the forum.

Understand that none of us are qualified mental health professionals, so we can't actually diagnose you. That said, it sure sounds like you have OCD, so welcome to the club!

We are a group of OCD sufferers that span almost every them imaginable. I personally don't do the spin around thing or tapping of fingers, but I've raped and murdered thousands of people in my mind over the span of 40 years.

You are not alone.

You are not alone in having OCD. You are not alone in thinking everyone will think you're nuts if you tell about your thoughts.

There is help available, which starts right here. We are all sufferers or ex-sufferers and we help each other a lot. More than anything we listen in a non-judgemental way.

Have a look around on the main forum and jump right in.

[Guest Horse Hats]

Thank you.

I don't know what else to add. I cannot express how much I mean my thanks.

I will be doing a lot of reading tonight.

[legalseagull]

Hello. If you read some of the posts on the forum there's a lot of people who have thoughts of harming people or sexually abusing children. They hate their thoughts and think they must be evil people. They're the LEAST likely to act on those thoughts. It's OCD.

As polarbear said - we're not professionals and can't diagnose. It certainly sounds like OCD though. I know what you mean about it being an over used term. That's because idiots use it wrongly and trivialise what is actually a very debilitating mental health condition. Your doctor should take it seriously though if you feel like you want professional help.

[Guest Orwell1984]

Hi Horse Hats! These thoughts of yours seem very familiar I used to get them a lot and sometimes still do but they don't torture me anymore. Same with lots of other people on this forum so welcome! Get the book 'Brainlock'. It's brilliant and has helped many of us here.

[dksea]

Hey Horse, welcome. Whether or not you have OCD (though like the others, I agree that the symptoms you describe make that seem likely) it's clear you are suffering and I don't think there is anyone here who will be upset even a little bit if we can offer you help to get you going in the right direction.

Sharing dark thoughts and compulsive behaviors can be extremely difficult and you should be proud of yourself for even being able to take that step. Moving forward I'd encourage you to read more about OCD and what you can do about it on the main OCD-UK site. Also, feel free to spend some time on the main forums. Even if you don't feel comfortable posting more yet (though you can if you want!) you might find that some of the things other people have to share will resonate with you.

Beyond that I'd also recommend reading the info on getting help that OCD-UK also has. You may not be ready right now, but you should at least start thinking about talking to a qualified mental health professional. Getting an official diagnosis would open doors for treatment options and help you find even more resources that would benefit you as you tackle these problems interfering in your life.

Getting better may not happen as fast as you'd like, trust me I struggle with patience too, but it is worth the effort and time to help yourself.