Is this OCD..? Help?

[Guest moro]

This is really long, and I'm so sorry for that.

I'm seventeen years old, a female. About four months ago I began to feel distress, constantly questioning whether I am "obsessed" with my girlfriend (yes, I'm gay). I realized then that I literally put all of my mental energy towards her. Always thinking about her. And it started to interfere with my functioning. And became a dark thing. I'm afraid all the negativity will make my life hopeless and unhappy, with her. I'm a high achiever in school, so I'm still often able to keep my grades up, but since a few months ago I began suffering from major distress. I started thinking about different things: I revisited events from my past, which, without getting too detailed, include some mutual sexual exploration I did with a friend or two as a young kid (elementary). At the time, I felt major guilt as a child and confessed it all, sobbing, to my parents (who were kind and understanding of my distress). The thing is, I know that kids being curious and "experimenting" isn't a big deal. I know it's common. But a few months ago, I thought about it again (it hadn't affected me much before then), and started feeling like a creep, thinking about - would my girlfriend have done something like that? Probably not. But I did. I'm weird and "bad" inside. A cycle in my head, constantly thinking of it. This led to stress and me barely hanging on to feeling "normal"; ultimately now I just feel crazy. I've thought bad thoughts. I don't have any particular obsessions, though. It's more that I'm obsessing over whether I'm "good" inside. Seeing news on TV about child molesters or killings, I think, what am I capable of? Would I like hurting someone? Stalking someone? I easily become infatuated with people. Etc. There are many things. Mainly, it all revolves around whether I'm good or bad inside, like actually evil. I think in my head about "would I do this" and go through it in my head, I see it happening. Then I try to justify why I "wouldn't" do it. As far as whether it's OCD, I've thought about any more mainstream obsessions/rituals type things, and I exhibit some of the behavior, but not to a strong extent. Is there any "mild" OCD? I mean, there are certain things I do because it certainly feels better to do them than to not, but I know I could handle not doing them. I would get over it fast if left alone. These include: applying certain pressures when writing, on certain letters, closing gaps or making it "even" or "right", I do make many lists, sometimes over again, and in my mind I always go through my class blocks to see what homework I have and probably feel the need to go through ALL them, not not finishing, sometimes I like to do something on one side of my body if I did it on the other, like a movement, etc. Also, sort of a weird one, if my mom or dad turns the car off when the radio had been on without me getting the chance to turn it off, I still prefer to hit the button even though it's senseless as the car is off. Etc. When I was younger I remember needing to write out certain words normally, backwards, etc, maybe with the words jumbled also, all on the roof of my mouth with my tongue. What a little weirdo, right? Also, sometimes I hear a kid or teacher say a certain word or mention a movie or person, and I "have to" look it up, I just write it down for later even if I never look again, or compulsively make myself look it up so I have the tab saved for later. Sometimes if it hasn't been long enough I'll struggle to delete the tab, too, if getting rid of my tabs for the day. Also, when reading online on Google and I sort of settle on a certain link, I don't browse other sources, I sort of say "okay, you have to look at that one". It's like all sorts of small compulsions I have, but could probably not do easily if I wanted. Doesn't sound OCD. Maybe if it is OCD, the OCD factor is more the thinking process - immorality questions, etc.

Another major issue I face is social interaction. I wonder if anyone has any insight as to whether it correlates to OCD or the issues listen above. I don't have many friends. I do have one friend whom I am "close" to, but I always feel detached. Not to sound cocky at all, but I am pretty smart (at least compared to the kids at my high school..), which makes me almost feel "above" lots of my peers; I have the mindset that social interaction with many of them is pointless, even though that's both rude and, I know, untrue. The few kids I do talk to, I'm not myself with. I just get through the conversations and try to seem like a normal kid. I don't like it. I look around at the functioning, laughing, sociable, untroubled kids and wish I could get out of my head and be like them. But I feel like this dark, evil thing now. It's on a daily. I am used to it. Anyways, so it's more than being shy or not open to socializing - it goes further. And these are the parts that worry me: I am very anxious around others. Always. I am literally constantly thinking about people looking at me. How I appear, etc. I think about other people watching me and seeing who/what I look at, so I practically never look at girls' bodies. It's like it's embedded in my brain ; if a girl passes you, don't wander your eyes, keep focused where you were looking! Honestly, this probably appears even more unnatural than if I was able to relax and look wherever I look. Any time I laugh, or respond to what a teacher says facially, I just always am in the mentality of others looking at me. But it's like a game. Because it isn't just a thing I do because I'm anxious and need to get through the day - I actually try to make them perceive me a certain way, it seems. When sitting in my English class, I'm more preoccupied with my teacher (who's a guy) seeing me a certain way (for him, I feel like I am (or at least I've built it up in my head based on the way I am around him) this smart kid, but who is unhappy or in angst or who doesn't want to be there, blah) than the work we're doing in the class. It's like I like it. Like I'm always an actor. Thinking "oh, he sees me making this face, daydreaming, or not caring" or "he sees me looking at the clock".. I even fixate on the fact that I once had to ask him to leave class for a meeting WITH an adjustment counselor, and so "ooh maybe he thinks I'm this troubled person" whatever. Like I want the attention. I'm still a good student so when talking about school work with teachers, I'm in tune, focused on the work, but on my own, I'm always in my little bubble, an actress, thinking of what people think. I've imagined interviews in my head, as if I were someday a celebrity. Or now I talk out loud alone, saying things that I would say, in the moment, if I was with my school counselor, or other people, basically anyone who, socially, I seem to want to see me a certain way. Oddly, that "way" that I fantasize about, it's even the real me. I picture relatives, etc. feeling bad for me, or being intrigued with any problems I'm having, or seeing me "shine" - joke around, be talented, perform on stage, being "wowed". It's very specific; I'll go through the interactions regularly in my head, and repeatedly. I don't know why. And it makes me feel sad, and down, and hopeless - because no one would really care and keep thinking about things I do in that way, and also, even if I am able to maybe make certain scenarios like those happen (tell my counselor a certain joke to add to her perception of me, etc.) I know it's stupid and something's not right. Plus now, since the past few months, I think more about it in the moment, so I'd just be thinking about the fact that what I said or did was almost planned, really. I just feel guilty.

I remember last summer my cat had fleas and I literally had to sleep in my grandmother's house due to the anxiety and crying fits it gave me; I felt like the bugs were in control of me in my own house. I bought disposable hazmat suits...

I just question everything. Whether I'm crazy, or just super aware and thinking on "many levels due to being smart", as my counselor considered. Whether I truly love my girlfriend. Or whether I could do bad things. Or whether I could become obsessed with someone. Or whether talking to myself means I'm crazy. Or whether I am thinking this way because I have a disorder or something, or if it's just because I've been overthinking one little thought that go to me when it all started. All these cycles of questions. I just feel crazy. Also, I didn't feel sad when an aunt of mine died a few years ago (I was in the 7th grade). We weren't "close"; it feels weird even talking like that, because I feel nonhuman and like I'm not truly myself with anyone. I remember describing myself as "an observer" who isn't "affected by much", a few years back. Now I'm just thinking, a "psycho". Sounds more fitting. I remember the only reason I missed her is because I wanted her there to see me and be impressed by something or something. I don't know. It's horrible, I know. I know it's sad that she died. I know it's sad that her kids are motherless. But it feels completely far away from me. Totally, actually. I don't know. I'm sick of the guilt, etc. The distress, every second. Just trying to finish each day. And what if I resent my girlfriend for all the thoughts, even though I know the truth is that none of this has to do with my relationship, it's just me. Or the fear that my future will now be hopeless, when I used to be so confident about it before. The constant thought process of justifying why I'm "normal" each time I notice myself doing something sympathetic or nice or normal, like laughing, or like recognizing the oddness of it all (which I assume indicates the impossibility of actual psychosis), is tiring. My mind never shuts off, basically. I like that I'm a deep thinker. But not with all of this.

Summer is coming, and I hate the unstructured time.. and there's an uncertainty of whether my girlfriend will have wifi to talk soon. And she has depression, and so she's distant a lot of the time, anyways.. doesn't blend well with a hyper thinker like me.. (even when feeling negative, I still want to talk with her and try to think I'm sane while doing so). And I need to find a job, or something.. even then, the thoughts will all remain. Plus I'm getting really sad about not being in school, because now I have this new overwhelming "obsession" with, I shamefully admit, the counselor I'm seeing in school. It's really unsettling. I feel like a creep. Wanting to just "have" someone.

Any thoughts, on anything, are appreciated. Thank you.

[Guest chitownkid]

not a DR but I would say yes..its OCD.

[legalseagull]

I agree, it sounds like you have OCD. You might need more help than just seeing a counselor in school. You could benefit from CBT to learn how to manage your thoughts and compulsions. You're not a creep or a weirdo you just have mental health issues that can be helped.

[MissSparrow07]

Hello I can relate to some of the things you have posted:

As you said most kids experimented with mutual sexual exploration and even though I didn't go to the full extent (e.g. showing or seeing other kids bodies) at the age of 20 I still feel really guilty and bad because of it.

I also had a period where I questioned whether I truly loved my boyfriend or not and being at university means over the summer we are no longer together most of the time and like you SUMMER IS HELL! I always know that somewhere in my head my thoughts are going to kick off (and sure enough they did yesterday!)

"When I was younger I remember needing to write out certain words normally, backwards, etc, maybe with the words jumbled also, all on the roof of my mouth with my tongue. What a little weirdo, right?"

Nope! I used to do this too! and sometimes I used to spell words out with my nose in the air...even weirder maybe? haha

I hope you're feeling okay and I hope you don't feel so alone now !