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Is this a compulsion in disguise?


Guest light

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Hi, I'm back again and as you may or may not know I've been dealing with religious obsessions (basically my underlying fear is that I don't have faith so my compulsions would be to affirm my faith and do stuff that would help me get closer to God.). I have one question to ask tho.

Um I have been battling this OCD for the past 2 years and a bit which has caused destructive effects to my spirutuality, I feel spiritually dead. Anyways, I know that this is as a result of my on going battle with OCD but I was wondering if I started to work on getting back my faith would that be a compulsion? I have a feeling that this isn't faith related and that I should just let the dead feeling be as it is and that deep down I do still have faith and that it will comeback to me naturally as I pay less attention to it.

Is this a compulsion if I decided to increase my faith?

Has anyone experienced a dead feeling inside due to OCD and what have they done about it.

yeah so what do I do anyways, with this dead feeling inside. so I work on it (don't know if it's a compulsion) or do I just ignore it? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks =)

Edited by light
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I would say yes, as you're forcing yourself to do something to get rid of the feeling which is technically a compulsion, but I'm afraid this is a "flavour" which is unfamiliar to me as I'm not at all religious, so I'm probably of little help at all!

FoosBoo88 x

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The answer is kind of complicated but the short version is, it depends.

If every time you got the obsession that you've lost your faith you got down on your knees and prayed and prayed, that would be a compulsion. Especially if you said the same prayer over and over again.

Regardless having those obsessions, if you decide to try and reinforce your faith through reading more, praying more, going to church more, that's not really a compulsion.

Now, if you got up and went to church every time you got an obsession them that would be a compulsion.

Does that make sense?

Put it another way, if you didn't have OCD, could you see yourself doing what you are proposing? You likely could see yourself going to church more. But you probably couldn't see yourself saying the same prayer every hour (or however often you get the obsessions).

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PLEASE don't be discouraged by the long post, I have to explain it in order to prove my points.

Well a summary of what's been happening ..

Before I got these thoughts, I was happily following my religion and felt very close to God and felt that life was perfect. When I first got the obsessions I started to think why I'm getting these obsessions I panicked and started constantly 24/7 try to prove these thoughts wrong and prove that I really did believe in God and not these thoughts..I carried out my compulsions for days straight and would have panicked attacks when I couldn't reach certainty. I was terrified that I would lose my faith. Then I went online and tried searching why I was having these thoughts and found that it was Satan who is trying to steal my faith from me and lead me astray, I also understood from that (I don't know how true that is ) but I understood that I had weak faith (that was also reinforced by my spiritual emptyness that resulted from my battle with OCD but I attributed it to me not having enough faith.) So I panicked again, and told myself if I wanted to save my faith I would have to ignore these thoughts and just read religious texts. So I started. This went for a looong time and I was constantly searching for faith 24/7, when I was restricted from carrying out my searches by my parents, I moved onto another method. For example, when my parents disconnected the internet coz I spent too much time on it, I would switch to my iPad, then they would take that away from me, I would switch to traditional book, they take one book, I would get another, they take all my books, I'd watch DVD's, they take DVD's, I would leave and go to public library etc. I was starting to think they wanted to keep me from God. I could never stay still because if I did, my faith would be gone because Satan would be waiting for me with my other "obsessive thoughts on satanic themes". So I kept going and going and would never find the faith I was looking for in my heart. I was still spiritually depressed. So I kept on searching more. Then I got to a point where I was convinced I killed my soul and that I would never get my faith back and that I was destined for Hell FOREVER (psychosis). That's when I got admitted to hospital, diagnosed, given meds, and talk therapy. Nothing worked and I was still doing my compulsions in hospital (reading on my phone). Anyways, I got discharged without any progress with regards to psychosis and OCD so after trying a few more times I stopped EVERYTHING and gave up my entire religion and prepared for my death where I would burn in hell. The weird thing is that when I did this, I was still thinking of God in my heart and still believed...I felt it. Even after I left compulsions and my entire faith.

Anyways, fast forward a few months. One day, through God's grace I managed to see things in perspective. I realised that my beliefs that I killed my soul and that I didn't have faith were stupid so I came back to God. That was again, the most happiest moment in my life and I felt nothing could go wrong. Obviously, not too long after, everything came crumbling down and I started having those satanic thoughts that I initially had. My internal compulsions began and I was debating and arguing 24/7. Now, this is where I currently am. Now, I started focusing on why I didn't feel the faith and connection in my heart. So I'm starting to think this is because I have weak faith and must do something about it. Now what do I do, I have a feeling this is the exact same thing that happened intially which lead to my psychosis.

Is this "weakness of faith" actually REAL or is this the result of the OCD and I'm mistaking it for weak faith and going to start carrying out compulsive behaviour (which could possibly lead to psychosis again). I'm thinking that this isn't a faith issue and that it's an OCD thing.

Should I worry about getting closer to God and removing this weak faith?

Do I already have faith deep down and OCD is convincing me I don't?

Also, was the time I realised it was Satan trying to steal my faith another obsession?

Also, was the constant spiritual depression all a byproduct of OCD that drained up my all energy?

I would REALLY appreciate if these answers could be answered because they are halting my recovery.

I'm SO sorry I made it so long, I didn't know how else to put it.

Edited by light
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Thank you FoosBoos for replying and PolarBear.

I understand the way to get back to my normal self is to do nothing even though I feel I have very weak faith, but is this a compulsion if I say 'its Ok, Don't do anything, your faith will come back one day if you do absulotely nothing". It reassures me I have to admit (because part of me believes that OCD has suppressed my beliefs). But deep down I'm worried that this is a BIG mistake.

I say that every time I get thoughts "why aren't you focused when you talk to God" or "how come you empty inside" or anything related.

I'm starting to worry that everything I do are compulsions. I just really really want to get better and don't wanna be doing anymore hidden compulsions to stop me from being close to God again. Is doing nothing my way of coping?

Which one is me and which one is OCD?

If it IS a compulsion, how do I go about trying to get better?

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Guest Stormwave

I know I touched on this briefly last time light, but I didn't really get a conclusive answer. I want to try and help you rationalise this problem if I can (no idea if I can, I'm no expert on these matters).

But what is it that scares you so much about not having faith? I know your beliefs and your fears about them along with your compulsions, but I don't know what you think the consequences are? You seem terrified of the idea of not being a good devout religious person, but what is it that scares you so much? I'm not trying to belittle your fears at all here, I just want to try and neutralise them if possible, without resorting to reassurance or ruminating of course.

Edited by Stormwave
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PolarBear: is actively doing nothing a compulsion? what DO i do then, if i cant do nothing?

StormWave: well, if i dont have faith then I am not a believer which is the worst thing in existence and have therefore rejected God's guidance...thus ultimately in the end will paying the price for it in hell. so hell i guess.

Are you going to try and rationalise that Hell doesn't exist? or that it is an exaggerated belief? Keep in mind that that is the core of my beliefs and therefore can't reject it.nor attempt to dismiss it.

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Guest Stormwave

Well, I personally don't believe in God. You say not being a believer is the worst thing in existence, but I'm much happier now than I was when I was a Christian. I was brought up fundamentalist Christian, and had many of the same problems as you.

I honestly don't believe Hell exists, and a surprisingly few amount of Christians actually do. If you research it, a lot of the Hell stuff was added by the Romans to instill fear in the populace. This idea, along with OCD, go really, really badly together. Ask yourself why a loving god would create a place of eternal torture, it doesn't make sense. You can believe in God without believing in Hell. You can easily believe that God is real but that Hell is a man made concept, and ultimately it would be a lot better for you in the long run if you did believe that. Nobody knows for certain what is real, and you free to make your own decisions on what you believe. It is not healthy to believe in something so horrible, and you are ultimately in control of that.

I can't change your beliefs, but they are causing you more harm than good. It is perfectly fine to question, research and change what you believe, that is the reason there are so many denominations. God will not punish you for using the free will he gave you, right?

I wish I could be more help, as I went through very similar fears, it's horrible to see someone else going through it. Just start with the idea that questioning your faith is absolutely fine, everybody does it.

It's kind of like a trap you're in. You can't question or doubt your beliefs, or you'll be eternally punished, but belief in that eternal punishment is something you should be questioning, but you can't, because then you'll be punished, but will you be punished? Can't think about that, will be punished. It goes on forever, a loop of doubt and fear. When you accept that it's okay to doubt, question, reason, research, etc, you can break out of the loop.

Edited by Stormwave
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