Hi Everyone; long time sufferer; want to help others

[Guest purplekitten95]

Hi everyone, here is my story. I have had OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember so I have a lot of experience with the disorder. I've experienced a range of different kinds of OCD from the mundane to the bizarre. I did not receive therapy at all until a few years ago while attending college. Like many others I always believed that I could handle the problems by myself. It was not until I tried to enter a close relationship that I realized I needed help or I would have to spend my life alone. I knew about OCD but I was in denial that OCD was the problem. For years I struggled with confusion and self blame and prayed to have my brain issues taken away but they never disappeared. When I first learned about OCD I was terrified because of how much it matched me. I thought of a diagnosis as a sort of death sentence. If I said no to all the doctor's questions and avoided diagnosis then I would be free. I read a book about OCD called "Kissing Doorknobs" and I knew I could relate but I was not ready to tell anyone or even admit to myself. I didn't trust anyone no matter how much I wanted to feel better.

The worst thing for me in all this was my mother's response to my behavior. She interpreted my OCD behavior as disobedience and punished me, got angry with me, and refused to show sympathy. Because of this I felt very reluctant to share anything with her and my relationship with my mom has always been a nightmare since I was a young child. She herself deals with anxiety and depression but not OCD. She deals with her issues in an unhealthy way, blaming herself and putting herself down. I copied this behavior and learned to treat myself as a disobedient child like she told me I was. I not only disobeyed her, but failed to obey my own commands to myself. Eventually I closed myself off from everyone and refused to express any feelings. I had no people I felt safe confiding in. I remember deciding that I would no longer cry anymore, not even to myself while alone. Because of my mom's anger issues I decided to never be angry either unless it was at myself. I am still terrified of becoming angry like my mother and afraid of people getting angry at me. As a child I was always very quiet, shy, well behaved, and a hardcore day-dreamer. Simply put this was not my personality, I just found reality too difficult to deal with. I would describe reality as scary and boring. I lived my life in a pretend world with people that I knew didn't exist. People that don't exist can't hurt you. My psychological strengths are imagination and creativity. Without these things I don't know how I would have survived. I had a few close friends at school but I never spent time with them outside of school except for a birthday party. I loved my friends and wished I could bring them home with me but my mom forbade it because of the dirty house. So instead I pretended to bring my friends home and would give them a tour of my house and tell them about my life. In my imaginary world where I couldn't get hurt, I had wild parties, sleepovers, long conversations and no negative consequences, all acted out secretly in a whisper. I would pretend to do my homework but as soon as my parents left the room I was whispering away to an imagined boy or girl from class. This continued into high school and I still do this sort of thing today.

My OCD symptoms were the most private thing about me. They were a confusing mystery I didn't even talk to myself or an imagined person about. For some reason I felt the need to do weird things that made no sense and if I didn't do them I felt terrible and anxious and if I did do them I felt terrible and guilty. I invented a million coping techniques. Of course my imaginary world was one: escapism. Today I escape by watching movies and looking at cats on the internet. :cat: This technique I would not recommend all the time, as it does not solve the problem but delay it. Another technique was combating OCD with positive encouragement, treating myself gently as if I was a young child and thinking of something fun. This technique was spot on and I'm surprised I thought of it early in my life, but sad to say I didn't use it enough. Here is a story that has a happy ending that demonstrates how to use this technique:

When I was about 6 years old I had an aversion to socks. I still hate wearing socks but I'm much more reasonable about it. As a six year old sock hater, I decided not to wear socks at all. My family tried to stop me but I was determined not to wear them. Unlike the OCD monster in the toilet that brought about compulsions and other OCD issues I could keep private, this was a very obvious thing to my family. Weeks went by and I continued to wear shoes with no socks. Eventually my feet contracted athletes foot fungus which was very itchy and painful. I realized I needed to make a change. So I mustered up every positive thought in me and confronted myself gently as if to a younger child. I said, "Ok, I need to wear socks but it's going to be ok. I will find socks with happy cat faces and froggies and crazy happy toe socks and it will be fun." With this positive determination I won the battle. I had my parents buy me the happiest, craziest socks in the store and I continued to wear them from that day forward. Of course I then refused to wear boring socks, something I had to overcome later, but you win some you lose some right?

I have many other OCD stories that are terrible and difficult for me to tell that don't have happy endings like that, and I hope to share them as well, but I hope this positive story will help someone for now. The biggest thing that keeps me going is the possibility that because of the suffering I've been through I can be of help to someone else. Despite the negativity and depression I've experience in my life I want to share that anything remotely positive you can think of can help with OCD. On the worst days sometimes just one positive thing can be something to hold on to. My best to all, keep fighting! You are worth it! :heart:

Edited August 20, 2014 by purplekitten95

[PolarBear]

My question, purplekitten, is what are you doing about your own battle with OCD? A diagnoses is not a death sentence. It's a liberating experience that leads to assistance in overcoming the disorder.

[Guest Pastadish]

Hello Purplekitten

Just read your post, very touching and I can relate to that a lot. Well perhaps not the sock issue, as I'm a bloke and blokes don't wear the kind of socks girls/women etc wear. Nonetheless, you appear to be struggling with this disorder and you appear to be doing it alone. And that's not easy. As I know all too well, if you are feeling negative about yourself, the first person to help you and give you that little nudge into a downward spiral is, yourself!

You are clearly someone who is happy to divulge information about themselves and talk candidly and freely and you would, I believe, benefit greatly from CBT counselling sessions.

John

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