This is going to sound racist and evil but i need some help idk what else to do?

[Guest ex0shi]

I'm in an online relationship, really going good for a year. We video chat everyday and it's all cool. I do have some obsessive doubts/worries but this particular issue came out of nowhere/makes no sense/won't leave my mind. I'm not a racist person and i find every skin color to be beautiful but i have a specific preference of who i'd date (I'm actually worrying about if that makes me racist like i could never put someone on a lower standard because of their skin) Anyway i've always thought my partner's skin to be beautiful but on a random day i see a picture that shocked me as my partner's arm looked darker in a picture and then suddenly i began to analyse skin in depth (I have no idea why) I never even thought about skin color before and i find it perfectly sexy to me the way it is and i'm even telling myself i wouldn't care if it was darker so why can't i get it out of my head? Why am i looking at pictures 200x and suddenly seeing darkness and it's making me feel all weird? I feel like a horrible racist person, it won't leave my mind and it's making me feel so hurt and i have no idea why. I cannot get my mind to stop caring for this and all i can think of in my head is my partner's skin being dark (ALTHOUGH I DON'T EVEN FIND DARK SKIN A PROBLEM) Which is why i feel so racist, if i genuinely didn't care surely i wouldn't be stuck obsessing over this? My mind is making me feel like i have to break up with this person because i cannot rid these thoughts for like a month. EVERYDAY. 24/7. I'm in love with this person and it's breaking my heart, if i adore everything about them wouldn't i automatically not obsess over something like this? Idk what is keeping me latched on, i'm trying to think but i don't understand. I'm so sorry if this offends anyone, i've not posted about it anywhere because i feel like a horrible racist and i didn't know how to word it so people could possibly help. It just keeps persisting to a point it's scaring me into thinking i'm not attracted or that i don't like their skin, i have no idea what the hell is going on. My partner is Asian and has a beautiful light tanned skin and i've known that forever so why is this happening now?

Edited April 15, 2014 by ex0shi

[dksea]

"Which is why i feel so racist, if i genuinely didn't care surely i wouldn't be stuck obsessing over this?"

This is a common trap we OCDers fall in to. If the thought wasn't real why would I be thinking about it?? Well the answer is simple, because you have OCD and that's how it works. In addition, our obsessions most often take the form of thoughts that are counter to our true nature. Why? Because thoughts that are against our nature are the ones that cause us anxiety. Work on accepting that this thought is driven by your OCD and fight it just like you would any other obsessive thought. Recognize it for what it is, avoid ruminations and compulsive responses and do your best to move past it.

[gingerbreadgirl]

yes I agree, this definitely sounds like ocd and in no way racist, if anything it proves the opposite because the idea if being racist distresses you so much - ocd is a sneaky enemy which knows all our worst fears and then latches onto them. as dksea says, you must recognise this for what it us, accept the anxiety and resist compulsions, and eventually the fear will fade away.

[Guest ex0shi]

But it's not only obsessing if i'm racist or not so much lately.

Why am i over analyzing pictures to check if my partner is darker than assumed and feeling like i'm not okay with it? Sometimes i'm fine like okay i'm not racist, i've even helped out so much times with a few friends who dealt with racism and i know i'm not as it makes me angry when people are racist. But throughout the days when i'm sitting here lately i'm not so much obsessing over if i'm racist, it's how my partner's skin is darker and it won't leave my head. And i don't get why? I was fine for ages and suddenly i have a problem with skin color on my partner? What's in my head is basically thoughts of how my partner is dark and it's distressing me but i have no idea why I love their skin but if i truly did love it and didn't have a problem why am i suppressing and feeling awful about the fact their skin isn't white. I don't get how this has become an issue and i'm not even sure why i'm feeling this way, hence why i'm saying it's going to sound so racist. I cannot get to the bottom of this.

Edited April 15, 2014 by ex0shi

[paradoxer]

But it's not only obsessing if i'm racist or not so much lately.

Why am i over analyzing pictures to check if my partner is darker than assumed and feeling like i'm not okay with it? Sometimes i'm fine like okay i'm not racist, i've even helped out so much times with a few friends who dealt with racism and i know i'm not as it makes me angry when people are racist. But throughout the days when i'm sitting here lately i'm not so much obsessing over if i'm racist, it's how my partner's skin is darker and it won't leave my head. And i don't get why? I was fine for ages and suddenly i have a problem with skin color on my partner? What's in my head is basically thoughts of how my partner is dark and it's distressing me but i have no idea why I love their skin but if i truly did love it and didn't have a problem why am i suppressing and feeling awful about the fact their skin isn't white. I don't get how this has become an issue and i'm not even sure why i'm feeling this way, hence why i'm saying it's going to sound so racist. I cannot get to the bottom of this.

Those quotes might be a strong clue as to whether it's OCD or not. Treat it as such and don't engage in 'analysis' or questioning.

Edited April 15, 2014 by paradoxer

[Guest ex0shi]

I've been diagnosed with OCD. But i feel like in this particular obsession, half of it is OCD based, half isn't. I don't want to care for this but it won't leave me alone.

Edited April 15, 2014 by ex0shi

[Guest ex0shi]

That's true :[

But i'm feeling suicidal now, because i clearly cannot accept for some reason that my partner isn't white? This came out of nowhere and now it won't leave my head and i can't talk to anybody who gets it and idk what to do to accept my partner now. I'm dying in thoughts i am on the edge of going insane, i cannot relax or do anything because it's constantly in my head. I just don't get it, i perfectly attract to them as a whole including the tone of skin so why is this bothering me soooo much? :[

Edited April 16, 2014 by ex0shi

[dksea]

Hi exo, I'm sorry to hear this is hurting you so much though I can understand why it would. I know how scary and overwhelming this thoughts can be, all of us sufferers do, that's part of the reason we are all here on this site, because we can relate to each other in ways non-OCD people usually can't. So please believe me when I say that you can get through this. Though the thoughts are scary they are temporary and they aren't really you. OCD is a very skillful and convincing liar but it's just that, a liar. These thoughts bother you so much because they run counter to what you truly believe and who you truly are.

There is a saying, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hope you will keep that in mind because it would be a terrible loss if something happened to you. It's clear from how much this upsets you that you are a good person at heart, it's only the OCD that is the source of your fears. I know it's hard, but as someone who has dealt with OCD for 20 years I promise you you can weather this storm. You don't need to be a super hero either, I'm definitely not! I'm impatient and lazy and not the best patient either but if I can do it you can too

I hope you'll start feeling better sooner rather than later but in the meantime if you are still really struggling there are groups to reach out too if you are feeling suicidal. Please check out http://www.befrienders.org/ for help. Remember that you are not alone!

[Guest ex0shi]

Thank you for being so kind but yet again this isn't like my normal OCD thoughts, i'm not worried of being a racist. I'm genuinely having a problem with my partner's skin color, like it's actually a problem because i can't let it go. It makes me wanna kill myself why can't i be okay with it and accept it? This isn't like OCD and worrying of being something it's actually having a problem and suffering obsessing over it. Like the only thing to calm my down is to tell myself my partner isn't that dark, how terrible is that? Does it just prove i have a problem with them being anything other than white? I cannot grasp why i have a problem with it. Idk where else to talk about it as i realise this site's answers are very supportive/sweet but it's still linking it to OCD and i'm not sure where else to talk about it I feel alone and no one gets it and there's nowhere i can talk about this or get help.

Edited April 16, 2014 by ex0shi

[paradoxer]

I've been diagnosed with OCD. But i feel like in this particular obsession, half of it is OCD based, half isn't. I don't want to care for this but it won't leave me alone.

I've been diagnosed with OCD. But i feel like in this particular obsession, half of it is OCD based, half isn't. I don't want to care for this but it won't leave me alone.

Clue - you were never worried or concerned about it before, Clue - how many racists get twisted up with guilt about their racism? I since see you say you're not concerned with being a racist, but you started your thread with that reference. In the question lies the answer, the fact that you're asking these questions should let you know that it's OCD. Remember, if it's not one thing it's another.

(Tried to remove double quote - couldn't.)

Edited April 16, 2014 by paradoxer

[paradoxer]

As a post script. What you describe, the fact that it didn't matter before but matters now, strikes me as a clear case of (a BDD variant of) OCD, mixed with a relationship theme (I don't like to use OCD categories). It's like looking at your partner's nose one day, and suddenly thinking that it's too big, or finding some other 'flaw' in their appearance and then obsessing about it. If you were to tell your partner, (and the fact that you want to do shows that it's OCD) it would be nothing but an ritual, designed to (TEMPORARILY) alleviate your guilt. You say no one 'gets it' - but I think your situation is pretty clear (and though very painful) standard OCD. IF you want to talk - PM me. Take care. And don't let a stupid disorder spoil your life - or your partner's.

[Guest ex0shi]

The thing is, i've obsessed about my partner's facial features before but it felt different, it felt more like OCD whereas with this problem it's like an actual issue for me because why would dark skin or the fact my partner isn't white make me so uncomfortable? (And that's why i felt the need to bring up i feel racist because it's how it makes me feel to have such issues). It didn't matter before because i never thought about it, I'd never thought about the fact my partner isn't white, it sounds weird i know. I know their race and that doesn't bother me but suddenly the fact they have tanned skin is an issue and it bugs me when i think of a tanned person in my head or "dark" Like it makes me feel horrible. Gosh this sounds racist and terrible.

Edited April 16, 2014 by ex0shi

[dksea]

I really am sorry to see how much this hurts you exO, but like paradoxes above I truly believe this is OCD. I know you have your doubts, but that's actually quite common. It's pretty standard on this site (and others) for people to say "but I'm not sure this is OCD/this feels like it might be different" etc. I'd be willing to bet $1,000,000/£1,000,000 that it's OCD. I'm that confident.

OCD doesn't just happen as "I'm afraid I'm racist" or "I'm afraid I might hurt someone". Any thought that can cause anxiety/distress can become an obsession, including thoughts about appearance, your own or others. The key indicators I notice are that this wasn't something you noticed before, that it causes you anxiety, that you don't want the thought and that you realize it makes no sense.

Now maybe were wrong and it's not OCD, but what if it is? Won't treating it like OCD help you confront it regardless? I say it's worth the risk, even though you have doubt.

[paradoxer]

The thing is, i've obsessed about my partner's facial features before but it felt different, it felt more like OCD whereas with this problem it's like an actual issue for me because why would dark skin or the fact my partner isn't white make me so uncomfortable? (And that's why i felt the need to bring up i feel racist because it's how it makes me feel to have such issues). It didn't matter before because i never thought about it, I'd never thought about the fact my partner isn't white, it sounds weird i know. I know their race and that doesn't bother me but suddenly the fact they have tanned skin is an issue and it bugs me when i think of a tanned person in my head or "dark" Like it makes me feel horrible. Gosh this sounds racist and terrible.

It doesn't sound racist at all. Your meandering and coming back round in a circle self questioning ONLY sounds like OCD.

[Guest LuckyCat]

Unfortunately OCD is a ******. I am the most politcally correct person you will ever meet but it is like tourettes when your worst fears are realised sometimes I hear myself say in my mind the words I hate.... P word, N word C word I hate OCD. I haven't properly read the thread if I am honest but if you love him focussing on photos and megapixels is not going to give you the answer you need. x

[Guest ex0shi]

I will try to treat it like OCD because you're right, it might maybe help me over time to deal with it. Is there any other mental illnesses which involve obsessional thoughts/anxiety like this?

[paradoxer]

Unfortunately OCD is a ******. I am the most politcally correct person you will ever meet but it is like tourettes when your worst fears are realised sometimes I hear myself say in my mind the words I hate.... P word, N word C word I hate OCD. I haven't properly read the thread if I am honest but if you love him focussing on photos and megapixels is not going to give you the answer you need. x

Good advice.

Edited April 17, 2014 by paradoxer

[paradoxer]

I will try to treat it like OCD because you're right, it might maybe help me over time to deal with it. Is there any other mental illnesses which involve obsessional thoughts/anxiety like this?

Yeah, there's OCD ... oh just a minute, you've got OCD!

On a serious note, as I said, it sounds like you've BDD (in my opinion a form of OCD) and OCD with a relationship theme.

[Guest ex0shi]

Yes of course i have OCD I'm just being curious again because normally my OCD thoughts are worrying of being something or not being something or what ifs about liking others or cheating...etc. But this just isn't my normal OCD thoughts. It's not me "Worrying about if i'm racist and don't like their skin" I actually have a problem with their skin tone hence why i cannot stop obsessing over it, i do not want to have a problem and i want it to go away :[ It's making me rather be dead and i cannot relax one second as it's always in my head. Does this count as OCD? The only relief i get is if i get a thought like "Oh it's not that dark" or i see a picture and the skin looks lighter again, proving i must have a problem with my partner having tanned skin and i can't stand the fact i have a problem with it. I don't want to have a problem with it because i can perfectly attract to this skin tone too and it's hurting me, i love this person and it kills me i can't just accept this and move on.

Edited April 17, 2014 by ex0shi

[Guest ex0shi]

I just looked at pictures again and i got angry because the skin isn't whiter and i punched the wall and why am i so mad that my partner isn't white why won't this go away this is killing me i cannot breathe literally every second i'm thinking about this idk what to do ;[ is this really OCD? idk how it can be i genuinely have a problem and it's causing obsessive thoughts. It's hurting me so much, why would it hurt if i didn't care about skin color? I clearly do or i wouldn't suffer, i wouldn't care about my partner's skin color, how is this OCD :[

Edited April 18, 2014 by ex0shi

[paradoxer]

You're going around in circles (how OCD!). The fact that you're continually questioning should give you the answer. If you want to feel better, don't fight the thought. Perhaps even tell yourself, 'Maybe I am a racist, and so bloody what.' The more you run for the emergency exit, the more you run INTO the fire. And, some kind advice - think about not using an OCD forum (oh, the irony) to ritualize (continually question).

[Guest ex0shi]

I don't even care about if i'm racist I care about how i can't accept my partner isn't white, it's a problem for me I don't want it to be a problem but everytime i think about the skin color of my partner it makes me feel horrible and i can't stand it. Why do i have a problem?

[paradoxer]

Nothing more to add here.

[dksea]

Its all just OCD, including the constant doubt that somehow this is different and therefore its not OCD. Its often hard to accept this when you are in the middle of the storm, but if you could take a step back and look down at your situation I'm sure you'd see what the rest of us are seeing. All the behaviors you describe, the frustrations you feel, the anxiety, etc. its all characteristic of OCD. Accepting that, even with the doubt, is only the first step but its important. Be patient with yourself and the process and take it one step at a time just as you would any other OCD driven obsession.

[efes]

I have experienced this too.