Accepting the worst thoughts

[Imhotep]

Hi all,

I'm having real problems accepting these despicable thoughts I'm getting. I'm frightened because I feel that professionals won't help me because of the depravity of the thoughts. Why I've allowed this to happen to myself as some sort of test, I don't know. Now I feel trapped, sick and deeply upset. I'm struggling to apply what I know of this crappy disorder on myself.

[Guest clojo]

I have no real advice Imhotep apart from that I know exactly what you are going through.

I'm finding it hard to see that this is ever going to get better,and for me,whether I deserve to get better because I had these thoughts in the first place.

Can barely lift my head up right now,let alone try and do anything about it

[Guest Tricia]

Hi all,

I'm having real problems accepting these despicable thoughts I'm getting. I'm frightened because I feel that professionals won't help me because of the depravity of the thoughts. Why I've allowed this to happen to myself as some sort of test, I don't know. Now I feel trapped, sick and deeply upset. I'm struggling to apply what I know of this crappy disorder on myself.

No one 'allows' these thoughts to happen. Please try to be a little kinder to yourself. No matter how depraved the thoughts, a good professional will understand and help you. Remember, that which distresses/disgusts us most is what OCD will torment us with.

Edited September 20, 2014 by Tricia

[taurean]

Hello both.

I am having a struggle too with distressing intrusive thoughts at the moment, but I never for once consider they are anything to do with me, which is a big help - they are just faulty connections in the frontal lobe of the brain due to a biochemical inbalance, plus in my case as a separate issue OCD is making negative associations and magnifying a negative not a positive bias.

So I don't feel bad about myself, plus I can tell you that a proper CBT professional or psychiatrist with experience in OCD, and certainly the more knowledgeable forum members and the charity OCD-UK, are experienced enough to understand that these thoughts can be of an extremely distressing nature - effectively, the world presents us with an enormous amount of horrible material that the OCD can feed off.

Don't worry about being open with an experienced professional about your OCD intrusions, they will recognise them for what they are. I don't think it is right to hold back if in treatment, they need to know what our difficulties really are.

Retraining our brains can take a long time - there is no quick fix - but I have found that for me the best game in town is "Brainlock" and "The Four Steps" - the book tells us why we have these problems, and presents us with a sensible workable management programme.We can add to that with useful tools from other sources.

The refocus step 3 is very important to me - and I find that looking to surround myself with benign , comforting and beneficial distractions - especially hobbies - tends to calm down distress and limit the potential for intrusions - I am not feeding material to OCD that it can feed on in that mode.

For example, I used to like science fiction, but it had a tendency towards distressing violence, so I elected not to pursue that method of "entertainment" and discovered enormous pleasure in reading biographies of nice people, home improvements and gardening, quiz shows, romantic material and films, and undertaking leisure activities. I think not ostensibly feeding the beast is therefore helpful for me and my therapists agreed.

Edited September 20, 2014 by taurean

[Miranda123]

As Tricia said, you have not 'allowed' these thoughts the happen, they happen to everyone. You are just reacting so strongly to the thoughts it is just fueling them and making them stronger. At the end of the day they are just thoughts, they are not actions nor do they mean anything at all about yourself as a person or your personality. They are just a load of junk whizzing round and round getting you caught in their cycle. Learning to accept the thoughts is a very big step, start by 'anticipating' the thoughts, so, accepting that they will happening probably hundreds of times a day - don't be surprised or shocked by them, they are just thoughts.

Edited September 20, 2014 by Miranda123

[Imhotep]

That's nonsense clojo, even the nicest people have horrible thoughts, I'm proof of that. For me, I had a random intrusion yesterday which has spiraled as it is so repulsive. I know I should leave it, but I feel obliged to be rid of it ASAP, and feel awful for having it in the first place. I suppose the way to look at it is as just a thought, a brain fart, an anomaly. Not all thoughts lead to actions or represent desires, especially repugnant ones.

[taurean]

I'm finding it hard to see that this is ever going to get better,and for me,whether I deserve to get better because I had these thoughts in the first place.

Hi clojo,

i am willing to bet that your real character has a very nice bias, which is why the thoughts are so distressing to you. But hey aren't thoughts attributable to you, they need to be recognised as - labelled - and re-attributed to OCD. The Four Steps OCD management method contained in the book "brainlock" is really helpful in explaining how to do this.

So don't feel "bad" for having these thoughts, re-attribute the bad to OCD where it belongs

I've been doing a bit of awareness this morning - I've been telling my locum chiropodist about my OCD thoughts - she was amazed - she has only previously seen me in very upbeat non-OCD mode - did she judge me as someone bad - absolutely not; she has seen the real me a couple of times before. What came back to me from her was enormous kindness, encouragement and support - exactly what i feel back from the forums, the charity and my therapist.

Edited September 20, 2014 by taurean

[Guest clojo]

Thank you taurean. My real nature is I like to think is very nice.like you mentioned the other day I can't even tread on a snail without being sad and actually try and save as many as I can haha.I work myself for a mental health charity.and I love my family more than words can say.

So all these thoughts have sent me into a massive spiral of depression and desperateness.its taking a massive toll on my whole life and I feel so alone were it not for this forum x

[Guest clojo]

Thank you taurean. My real nature is I like to think is very nice.like you mentioned the other day I can't even tread on a snail without being sad and actually try and save as many as I can haha.I work myself for a mental health charity.and I love my family more than words can say.

So all these thoughts have sent me into a massive spiral of depression and desperateness.its taking a massive toll on my whole life and I feel so alone were it not for this forum x

[Guest clojo]

Thankyou Imhotep.its a shame you can't listen to your own advice.always the way isn't it!i think like you I want to get rid of thoughts ASAP so I find myself checking them a lot to see if they're still there.i hope you're feeling ok x

[Imhotep]

I am feeling better, it takes a while to get used to the thoughts, I think my problem is I'm over analyzing the thoughts, focusing on the content rather than how ridiculous and extreme they are versus my actual character. That or my meds have kicked in! All the responses are much appreciated,realising that OCD is OCD, regardless of how vicious and sickening the thoughts get, and has to be dealt with the same.

[taurean]

Hi Imhotep

Remember don't ruminate with the thoughts just note them leave them and get distracted.

The goal under The Four Steps is to gradually retrain our brain away from the intrusions but this can take quite some time to achhieve, as we are seeking to change the way the frontal lobe functions.

A thought not responded to, given no credence, does no damage; the damage comes when we allow them some meaning to an intrusive thought.

Edited September 20, 2014 by taurean

[Imhotep]

Exactly taurean. I have been trying to do this, as this is how most people's brains without OCD work. It's difficult when my OCD pipes up "Can you cope when being bombarded by the thoughts every 20 seconds?" or "Let's make this more difficult to cope with". Some days I can, some I can't. I am slowly retraining my brain to do this though, and haven't been exposed to such nastiness in a while. I genuinely amaze myself at my (unfortunately sordid) imagination.

[taurean]

Exactly taurean. I have been trying to do this, as this is how most people's brains without OCD work. It's difficult when my OCD pipes up "Can you cope when being bombarded by the thoughts every 20 seconds?" or "Let's make this more difficult to cope with". Some days I can, some I can't. I am slowly retraining my brain to do this though, and haven't been exposed to such nastiness in a while. I genuinely amaze myself at my (unfortunately sordid) imagination.

Sounds like you are experiencing my "thought loops" where my brain fastens onto to something and repetitively churns it constantly.

And yes, my imagination is both a best friend and a worst enemy. It's great when I'm calmly and mindfully following a guided meditation, it's horrible when it makes connections to negative distress.

Just remember it is our brain , but the disorder places the wrong messages into it such that we believe they are "our" thoughts and images. Then since they are against our own key values, if we connect at all with them it sets up a vicious cycle raising anxiety.

Edited September 20, 2014 by taurean

[Imhotep]

Hi all,

Progress has been made, but slow. I'm still having difficulty accepting these thoughts. I know eventually they'll pass with CBT and mindfulness, whether that be in 5 mins or 5 months I don't know, but they are just so disturbing, that I feel a bit hopeless for the future tbh. It's difficult enough having them over the course of a day, where I get stuck or have a thought pop every 2 minutes, but I can't imagine keeping them around for a longer period. It'll be stupid to end it all because of horrific thoughts, I'm just afraid I'll be stuck with them for the long haul

[PolarBear]

You might be stuck with the obsessive thoughts for the long haul. What you do have control over is whether the long haul is pure torture or much easier, where the thoughts don't bother you nearly as much and you can get on with your day despite having OCD.