Feeling utterly hopeless.

[Cub]

Hi everyone

Late night post, I know. Having trouble sleeping.

I just feel so utterly helpless and hopeless right now. I know I've posted variations of this before, but tonight's a very bad night.

I don't quite know why I feel like this; only that my brain isn't in a great place, even an unhealthy mindset and I've been very upset. Even when I went to the gym today, that only did so much; I was so worried that if threw myself completely into 'letting go' my brain would do stupid things and have stupid thoughts I'd be unable to forgive myself for and on purpose too (sexually immoral thoughts about people and things I care about). That's my fear; that the thoughts aren't intrusive anymore.

I just feel as though there's nothing for me. I miss my Mum terribly; I know it's been six months but I really feel her absence and I just want her here in the flesh. I can't believe she's gone and I just want her back. I know I've got my dad and my brothers, but I hate the fact that I have to carry on without my Mum, even though I have no choice. I hate that she won't be there for advice and that I can't talk to her about anything, because she was my main OCD confidante. What's worse is I don't think I've handled her death very well, in the 'right way' because I was distracted by the OCD to a degree. But I just can't believe she's not here.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I just can't feel content and grateful. I give over to guilt so easily, because some of it does feel real and my guilt feels genuine and I feel I can't qualify myself for feeling brave at all. I just feel so bad for thoughts I've had in the past, as though it was as bad as actually saying them. I love my job but I'm not very happy in myself and if something goes wrong, it affects me; we had a problem the other day that caught us all off-guard and there were a few moments of confusion as we all helped each other out. In the fracas, I got snapped at by a colleague for something that wasn't my fault and no-one was letting me explain; they told me later I need to stay calm and I feel bad for not being calm enough in the situation. I still do. My friends saw very quickly that I was getting really wound up and I just feel bad about that. I felt bad for the rest of the day.

I felt very sad at work a few days ago; I was crying on the way in because I had slept badly and felt that I just couldn't and felt even worse because I felt so out of place and stupid. I'm on earlies today, as well, and have to get up in a few hours. I don't know how I'm going to cope today.

I was able to give myself a break from my fears after ruminating silently and very badly at work (this has been an ongoing problem and I don't know if I should take steps to seek CBT, but then I feel guilty about that because it feels like a problem of my own making). It feels ridiculous and I know I need to stop but my body just feels so tense. I have to keep going to the loo - which is a massive problem at night as it cuts into my sleep-time - whenever my body relaxes, and I hate it.

I just can't get these ever-consistent thoughts of my life not being worth living out of my head; it feels as though it's becoming worse and more real. I just don't feel I deserve good things; I don't deserve any of the things I'd like in the future. I don't feel great and I don't feel brave. I hate that I'm becoming more upset and irritable. Any good feeling doesn't last long. It's my birthday soon and I just feel that there's nothing good in the world; everything just feels grey and has none of the joy I once felt. I know my Mum would want me to feel happy, but I feel so alone, without friends or peers or someone to talk to. I used to be perfectly happy in my own company, but I just feel isolated from the rest of the world and keep trying to do things to make myself feel better, but it never lasts long. I just don't know if a brighter tomorrow will ever be a thing with me.

Thanks for reading; sorry to sound miserable.

C x

[Guest iambddow]

Hi Cub,

I meant to respond to this a week ago when I signed up for the forum (I forgot my old login info), but I never received the activation email. Anyways, I created a new account today just to reply. I can empathize with what you're going through. About two years ago I felt exactly the same way you felt. In my case I was suffering from extremely intrusive thoughts, which would incapacitate me to point at which functioning normally was an everyday struggle. It began to take it toll when I felt that I was in a completely different world from everyone else. It felt like the rest of the world was moving forward while I was standing still, making absolutely no progress in life. With each day I felt ever increasing loss of vitality to the point of questioning whether there was actually any future for me. Prior to this point, I reckon that I was suffering from the symptoms of OCD for about several years, and over those several years had been waging an active fight to overcome those symptoms with very little progress. At this point you might expect me to say that something happen in my life that changed everything, something that gave the me that extra push to get to the state that I am in right now as an ex-sufferer. Oddly enough there wasn't. What actually changed my situation was a bit of pure and absolute blind faith. I just began to think to myself, no matter how things bad things are and no matter how much worse things will get, I will get better. Once I established that thought in my mind things started to get better. Granted, after establishing that thought there were days that were absolutely horrible and I am quite confident in saying that those were the darkest days of my life. However, things did start to eventually improve enough to say that I am quite satisfied to be in the state that I am in now. It just took a bit (or on somedays quite a lot) of blind faith.

One of the things that stood out to me in your post was the fact the you don't feel like you deserve good things. I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently, as I have been dealing with with a similar thought. OCD has a tendency to make you feel at though you don't deserve anything good, and that all you deserve in life is suffering. I've come to realize that there are no good things or bad things in life, there are just things. It's our thinking that makes us perceive them as good or bad or as Shakespeare put it "for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". With this thought in mind I've come to realize that you can make something good out of some extremely bad situations. The best example for this is ironically is my struggle with OCD. When I started my blind faith thing, my intent wasn't to get better so that I can live a normal and happy life (edit:ok...maybe a bit of it was). To be quite honest, my intent was to overcome the illness just to show others that it was indeed possible. I am quite happy to say that I have done this.

Hopefully, I have posted in time to wish you a happy birthday. If not happy belated birthday. I genuinely do hope that you do start feeling better. From my experience things often do get worse before they get better. As corny as this may sound, it is always darkest before the dawn. Hopefully, you have a bit of faith to get you though you through these difficult times. If you don't, I genuinely do. My belief is that anyone suffering OCD can get better. Hopefully you can help me prove this.

[Cub]

Hello there

I am VERY late with my reply but I really appreciate you coming on here to respond to what was a pretty complex and negative post - thankyou so much, it means a lot.

I had a really lovely birthday at home with my Dad and a pretty relaxing week; I've been feeling a bit not great and a bit lonely where I am, and I opened up to him about it and how I had been getting on. He was actually surprisingly understanding - I was afraid he'd tell me to snap out of it, but he listened and told me to tell him whenever I was feeling bad, which meant a lot. I'm also seeking counselling.

I'm so sorry that you suffered so badly, but how brave of you to keep going and to fight the good fight. I was worried that I'd lost my bravery and I didn't feel strong or brave anymore - I do still have moments (including today) where I just feel my life isn't worth anything and there's no future for me, but then I have a nice conversation with someone or I remember something I'm looking forward to and I realise I'm still alive. I have a lot of trouble engaging with others sometimes and a fair bit of guilt and I'm trying to keep the rumination in check; I'm able to have moments where I think, 'Nope' and back off and it helps. I know you have to have faith in order to get better; I've been straining my conscience, trying to figure it all out and punishing myself. I feel I'm missing out on stuff in my life and I'm clamping myself down; I feel I could be happier, but I'm not. I'd like to, though and the fact that you have is inspiring to me.

Thankyou for sharing; that means so much. I'll try and remember this.

C x

[Guest Heryn!]

Hi Cub

I tried to send you a PM, but it seems your inbox is full.

cheers,

Heryn

[Justine]

Cub - So sorry to hear about your Mum, I think it's normal to feel down after that. I do wonder if ocd can give you an empty feeling as I had thus recently. What helped me is contacting friends and seeing them and just keeping active. Still don't feel right but getting there. Thinking about what you have rather than what you don't helps to, basically being positive.

[Guest Heryn!]

Cub - So sorry to hear about your Mum, I think it's normal to feel down after that. I do wonder if ocd can give you an empty feeling as I had thus recently. What helped me is contacting friends and seeing them and just keeping active. Still don't feel right but getting there. Thinking about what you have rather than what you don't helps to, basically being positive.

That in itself can be very difficult (speaking from experience).

[Cub]

Hi guys

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm doing a little better this week; I'm feeling better as I've been able to shift some of the focus by throwing myself back into my hobbies and carrying on with them and so I'm feeling a bit more normal, a little more myself. Today at work was the first time in ages I haven't ruminated while I've been doing my duties (it's been hard not to).

I'm sorry to sound so whiny - I feel that's all I do these days. I can't help feeling as though I've lost some of my independence and I've grown dependent on the people around me, when really I need to help myself (which seems obvious now, I know). I still get panicked and I find myself apologising a lot and I don't think I've been very mature about this sometimes. I just feel I've grown clingy and needy, trying too hard to make everything okay and feeling too determinedly hyped up in my messages. I'm sorry for that. I want to find my maturity - with my OCD and doubts and my guilt, the first half of my twenties has been a bit of a rough ride. But I'm still here.

I appreciate all the help you're giving me - and will clean out my inbox too! Sorry, Heryn!

C x