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Addicted to OCD & Fear? (Missing OCD)


Guest takeacti0n

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Guest takeacti0n

Sorry for the lengthy title but my OCD has been in and out over the past year. I'll have stretches where I completely forget about it but then it comes back rearing it's ugly head. I've had every theme (h-ocd, homosexual ocd, pedo-ocd, relationship ocd, schizoprenia ocd) I can think of and as I'm typing this I realise that my brain is stuck in a fear loop. I believe my brain is addicted to OCD. I can go months without reassurance seeking and checking the forums but then my brain will throw me a really bizarre thought and/or emotion that I will get stuck in. I don't know how to cope and perhaps not confident enough in all of my CBT/ACT training to take on the beast so tremendous amounts of fear set in for most likely a week or so, then I'll break the cycle...realize how irrational I am being and just accept it to the best of my ability and it will dissolve.

I think this cycle is causing my brain to flood with dopamine everytime I "conquered" the theme. I haven't had the courage to slay the metaphorical beast, only cut off his tentacles that keep growing back. So my brain thinks its helping me out by sending out these obsessional thoughts every minute.

My current theme for the past year has been about schizophrenia. Some thoughts have been "What if everyone is out to get me?", which caused a huge rush of panic about a month ago and made me feel very isolated and alone.

Recently, it's been eye contact with people. Like when I make eye contact with people I imagine their eyes to "have flames in it" which signifies they are evil or are the devil (in my OCD brain). Obviously I know it's not true but it makes it difficult to hold a conversation with them.

I know this is just another theme and will pass in time, thats the hardest ******* thing about OCD. Logically it's so ******* easy to understand and apply the principles. But emotionally man, its so ******* draining, time consuming and anxiety provoking. And it the throes of intense anxiety and obsessive thoughts it's really hard to think logically.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm going to battle the beast head on and won't stop. Does anyone have any good ERP ideas for my current theme?

And people that have overcome OCD, do you find you have a stockholm syndrome with it? Do you miss it (in a weird twisted way i feel like I would because it has been with me so long that I identify strongly with it).

Edited by takeacti0n
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Lot of material in that post.

First, I don't think you're addicted to OCD. I'm sure you'd be just fine without it.

Second, about Stockholm Syndrome, you aren't the first to mention that OCD, as bad as it is, is a known and some people become accustomed to it in a weird sort of way.

Third, as for ERP for your current theme, face the beast head on. Sit down somewhere and think the thought (or say it out loud), "I am schizophrenic. I am completely nuts. I hear voices. I see things that aren't there." Then (and this is really important) you have to practice NOT performing compulsions. No ruminating, no trying to cancel out what you said. Just let that thought float around in your head and breathe through it.

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