battlethrough

Thanks snowbear I'll just have to keep trying,I just can't see any light

I've had to leave work Consumed with guilt I'm not googling, confessing or seeking reassurance from workmates but I'm destroyed inside, I also feel weak as others o n here have learnt to deal with it and I just can't beat it. For the love of God I just can't feel its OK, ocd or not, my partners niece may have grown up into an attractive young women but that is all I should have noticed, I can't believe I freely entertained and liked thoughts about her,she is not just a stranger and I would be classed as an uncle probably, she's my sons cousin for Christ's sake, even though not blood it still feels sinister and incesty, I can't see how I cannot ruminate about something that feels so horrendous. Meant to be there to protect all family not visualise things like that

Thank you snowbear I woke up this morning and had given up yet I like you are stubborn so after reading your post I am finding myself walking to work I want so much to be better and unfortunately my head is telling me the only way I can do this is to share this fantasy with my partner,I know this would just make everything worse in every aspect but I am so so down that I find it hard what to say when she asks what's wrong, I know if I told her she would be upset and the only reason for telling her would be selfish. I just don't know how to handle this urge to confess,can anyone give me any tips how to deal with this damaging compulsion

Finding work impossible,literally sick with anxiety, can't believe I put myself in these positions, wish I didn't have such a driven sexual imagination,it always comes back to crush me

How do you not engage when it's taken up every inch of your brain with nowhere to turn

Having terrible trouble not confessing this,as, always my brain is throwing up any thought to put along side this fleeting fantasy I had to build a case against me,I honestly thought I'd put it beind me but the way the guilt is reoccurring is really taking over, I try to not focus on it but I can't see anything else than I shouldn't have entertained such thoughts,I'm trying to reason with it,me and my partner had not been intemate for a long time but I can't see how that's an excuse to make the center of the fantasy her,I had no problem at the time, I let my head go there more than once but I could separate fantasy from reality but now the guilt is becoming unbearable, and I know all of that is ruminating but I don't know how I can ever be OK about this. I just can't grasp how the hell to stop ruminating

Thank you both All I can do is just try.. Me and my better half were talking last night and she brought up her niece but she said our niece, it's not just the fact that I fantasised it's the feeling that what I've done is so bad, I would protect all my family and to know I entertained such thoughts really FEELS wrong. I know I can't change it but it honestly feels like I'm using ocd as an excuse when what I did is actually pretty gross. Trying to leave it in the past and shift my mind away from focus,I will keep trying to do this

Seriously, what is the point of this life, living with this **** year after year after year

Struggling so much, can't sleep

Thanks pb All I can do is try,spent my entire 42 years on earth trying,what's a bit more time??????

Hi pb Hope all is well with you. I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to master not engaging with thoughts,tried meditation, had a fantastic therapist for a short period but when my frontel lobes get consumed it's near impossible to not engage with them, they take over,I understand what I should do,It just destroys me

Sorry back again. Dont know why, everyone here has exhausted there help for me and I just can't win. As I've said a million times, I had a sexual fantasy about my adult non blood niece, just in the head. Didnt think to much of it then 6 months ago the shame and guilt hit, it went away but this last week the guilt has come ten fold. Shame, guilt, perverse,betraying, needing to confess etc etc. I'm finding every bit of strength to not Google, reassurance seek,confess but YET again I just can't nip it in the bud before the guilt takes over everything. What am I doing wrong,I try to accept, I try to belive its not the worst of the worst, I try to resist compulsions but I have no defence when the guilt floods my whole being. I honestly don't expect any more help from here as I've had more than my fair share on here, I just get to the point I feel I'm so horrible that I have nowhere left to turn. Also I have an awful memory of a few years ago maby moving my foot towards her once at a Xmas party when drunk,worried I might have been trying footsy. Full apologies for being here again, just being consumed that's all

Hi cora I can feel and know your pain exactly as most people on here do. I have been coming on here on and off for years, I get a spike, I confess it on here hoping somebody will give me the magic understanding answer ,unfortunately it's called reassurance, and as we know that adds a log to the ocd fire. I'm sure like me when you first discovered this site it was like you found home, amazed that there are people who understand and don't judge, it's a breath of fresh air but it's a double edged sword,this site is here to gain advice then we as the suffering must pull away from the site and although it feels impossible we must try to apply the advice given. The pain will feel terrible and you will be desperate to seek reassurance on here but it just keeps us stuck. I myself have been suffering with the last three weeks and all I've wanted to do is rehash on here that which I have shared a thousand times, I've resisted and although the anxiety grew it is getting less. Keep strong and chip away at resisting compulsions, please don't waste your life like I have mine by keep making the same mistakes that keep letting the ocd win. The good folk on here care but no one will give you a magic cure that we are seeking,it's hard work but we must make it our goal to beat this monster the correct way and use what we learn to quieten its bullying x

You deserve everything in this life, what you don't deserve is a lifetime of this horrible illness, your theme used to be mine, its changed now but its all ocd.

Thanks mate. Lol now my ocd head has said oh maby when drunk you moved your foot towards her therefore made advances,this illness honestly if was in the form of a man god knows what I'd do to the manipulative cunning horrible thing, it trys every angle. So so tired, I'd lose a limb if I had a chance for peice of mind