Is this "going along with his compulsions"?

[Guest Lilac12]

Hi, my 10 year old son has ocd since several months, perhaps a year.

I've started treatment but it's early stages and I haven't yet had a chance to talk to the therapist about all these things in detail.

So I'm trying to understand which behaviours would definitely be "cooperating with his compulsions" and therefore ones I oughts to avoid - as opposed to others it may be ok to help him.

He has been totally avoiding touching anything "dead", hence developed this irrational, "crazy" repulsion toward any kind of leather shoes or products, and may go to have a shower if he ended up touching leather even indirectly!.,

Last night we came home and his brother took off his leather shoes. So he asked him, "would you please wash your hands now?"

I had the newfound courage at this point to say, "No, I do not allow him (his brother) to wash his hands. His shoes are not dirty, and if we keep going along with such requests we will not be helping you, becasue you'll eventually have to deal with many more people in your life, whom you have no chance to control."

My question is, was I right - would washing our hands after touching leather constitute "cooperating with his compulsion"? Or can it also be viewed as a private way to a peaceful home, in our case?

[Em24]

You did the right thing. You can't go along with his compulsions. It wouldn't allow for peace in your home, the OCD would just demand more and more from you all.

I've read a great book called Freeing Your Child From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Tamar E Chansky. I am an ex sufferer myself and my son who is nearly 6 is showing traits. I found this book sooo helpful and its actually aimed at non sufferers, its an excellent guide to helping you help your child

Xx

[Guest Lilac12]

Thank you Emma! I'm in fact also an ex sufferer, it's just that right now my son's condition is definitely at the forefront so I registered as 'family of...'.

I will see if I can get the book you've recommended, thank you so much for that. I've read quite a bit about the subject and know first hand certain things, but in fact I do feel I need a book to help with the everyday of living with a child and how to deal with him on an everyday and long term basis...

I wonder how you feel having a child show traits - I find that the fact I tend to be ocd/bdd myself makes it on the one hand easier for me to understand, on the other hand though, I feel too easily drawn in to "identify" with his obsessions and anxiety - for instance, I actually have to fight freezing with fear now every time we go out in public, or when someone enters our house, watching for leather shoes and scared of the chain reaction this may cause to my son and the peace in my home.

This is why the other day was a turning point for me, that I was able to calmly say, no we will not go along with that... but I do have to fight feeling drawn in by his anxiety.

It's calmed down a lot since I set him better limits. But he's not going to school yet - if he ever does again (I'm trying not to lose hope but it's hard...) I've no idea how he (and I) will cope with the tremendous sense of stress he feels around a classroom full of red-buck wearing kids. It's been... a nightmare, for a while, as he stopped eating and drinking in school and would come home and wash like crazy (not just hands, shower) and refuse to touch his schoolbag.

But I do feel much more hopeful now that we have a great therapist, he's really been helping me in the past month since we started treatment...

[Em24]

Aw bless him, its awful to see them suffer isn't it? You are in a great position to help and that will help him so much.

I feel ok. At 1st it set off an OCD flare up in me, I was 8 months pregnant, had been off my citalopram throughout and suddenly I thought 'OMG my son is showing OCD traits, his life is over, its all my fault.' etc etc.

But I've accepted now that he may end up with the disorder when he is older but all we can do now is give them the CBT tools and hope it becomes almost 2nd nature to them. I don't know about you but I went 15 or so years suffering alone and not knowing what was wrong with me. At least our children don't have to go through that.

I have a thread on the main forum documenting me and my sons 'Mummy CBT' journey if you want to take a look, and feel free to share any tips or things you have found useful for you. I think we are always learning!

What I like about that book is at the end of each chapter there is a list of sayings and phrases to help explain OCD to your child. Thats what I found hardest for me, trying to explain such a complex illness to my 6 year old, without confusing him, scaring him or making him feel different! xx

[Guest Lilac12]

yes, it's hard to see him suffer... but I'm most stricken by how similar your first reaction was to mine - upon realising it was this disorder, then despite the obvious consolation of it's "not being lethal cancer" (which is how I whip myself for not feeling grateful....), I wept so bitterly in front of the school psychologist at the bleak view of his life being over and that it's his final death blow at 10, that he said pull yourself together and hinted that meds may be in order... but hell, I was coping at home so bravely for so long, so what if I broke down for half an hour? how could I not, when the images that disorder conjures up for me are the worst possible? I did a paper about the disorder once when in an art therapy course, I lectured about it and read all I could about it.... and I had experienced it too, certain forms of it, and it was very hard to get over. Is there any wonder I cringe at the thought of my son's life possibly being over, buried alive in a horrible disorder that may wreck his life before it has even begun?

I do find it hard to "stay positive", although I'm learning to do this for his sake. But at the slightest setback, I tend to fall immediately into a black pit of hopelessness. When it feels as if all I've done counts to nothing - he still gets stuck on his way to the kitchen, the bathroom... he keeps tapping and tapping... it's worse when he's tired, worse when he's stressed.... but he's way better now after 3 months at home than in the classroom, when dealing with sniggering and real or perceived being-laughed-at by his classmates made things so much worse for him, that he would go alone to corners of the school yard and stay there, unable to join in with friends' games anymore. It's this that made my heart bleed the most for him, even now.

I'll definitely have a look at your mummy cbt journey...

suffering alone for 15 years sounds really hard. For me too, I never told anyone about what I'd gone through, but I did manage back then (I was living in uk then) to go out and look for books to help me, and when I saw Dr. Claire Weeks' books "help for your nerves" I bought them right away and they helped me help myself!

I never really told others about what I had gone through back then, it was a kind of a nervous breakdown over a conflict and an impossible situation I had been in, and that breakdown got complicated by obsessive thoughts and what I "did" about them... in her book she explained all that and kept saying her mantra "face, accept, float, let time pass" as a way to inwardly learn not to do compulsions but face the horrid feelings or thoughts and let them pass, thus "desensitizing" the body and mind to them. And that approach, over time, helped me... but it took me years to really heal, I never healed completely, the tendency is there, and a form of persistent bdd is there still, since my teens...

People wouldn't know it of me, but it's still a constant fact in my life. So I ask myself at this time, does the problem "revisiting" me in the form of my child's condition, also gives me an opportunity to actually heal better and with help, this time? not just fend for myself alone, too ashamed to admit it to a living soul? our therapist really cares and has much experience, I found myself telling him a bit for the first time.

Thank you for writing back to me,

~~~

[Em24]

That is lovely to see it from that point of view. That you can now open up to your child's therapist and you can get better together.

Most of my CBT was self taught like you but I did find seeing a therapist really benefited me, so definitely think about it

I know what you mean when you say it feels like a daily battle, even when our symptoms are under control. Its hard to tell if my son is displaying a new obsession or trait or whether my OCD is playing a role in dramatising the more trivial things but then we know how the OCD brain works, so I can't really get others opinions because they don't really 'get' the thought processes of OCD and I also don't want to risk getting myself into a reassurance seeking cycle.

Sometimes I find it hard to stay positive too, maybe it is a common trait in people who have or did have OCD to see the negative outcomes more than the positive?

I had Harm OCD mainly, I really hope my son doesn't get that x

[Guest Lilac12]

Hi Emma

Last night I returned with my son discouraged from an appointment with our new therapist. He has really helped ME get a new sense of authority in our "crazy-gone" home in which my son began to rule with an iron rod, and this has really calmed things down, especially my ocd-sufferer son himself, who previously could get almost verbally abusive with me. I've made a huge attempt to get him back to treatment after he basically was "banned" from there after talking back to me in a disrespectful manner. So it worked - he came, he behaved... BUT the therapists' approach (and he's a professional cbt) seems too intellectual for my son - he's 10 years old, no problems with intelligence or anything like that, but he seems unable (or unwilling?) to identify that he has 'disturbing thoughts' at all, and claims he feels "nothing".

The therapist, otherwise a very nice intelligent guy, keeps wanting to approach the subject from a somewhat intellectual or direct angle - as though for him, if my son does not come up with clear communication of "what he suffers from" (eg. I feel so-and-so and it bothers me, I have such and such intrusive thoughts), then he can't "get down to business" as he said last night.

I came home truly feeling (which a friend who is supporting me in this, who's had huge challenges with her daughter in the past, also felt I may be right) perhaps I need to be the one getting the advice on how to cbt-treat my son at home, whilst he himself gets a therapist who can use softer, more indirect ways of connecting with him. I don't know how I can manage such a double system, it's just that we've been recommended this other guy who uses unusual methods and it's just that my son's condition is multi-faceted - he's also growing up without a father, a huge part of his school refusal since 3 months is strongly related to a huge crisis of trust with his class teacher whom he "hates" and who was not understanding about his problems and insisted on confronting him over everything without really knowing what was going on, a situation in which his classmates bullied or laughed at him, and he has also developed all sorts of complexes about himself that are not helped by feeling like a "failure at the psychologists' office".

I feel that he may really benefit from an indirect approach with someone who may actually form a real connection with him over time, whilst I learn how to handle his ocd at home. But I'm scared that negotiating the two will be too hard for me.

The good thing is I've now gotten Tamar's book on Kindle and started reading it - thanks so much for the recommendation.

I hope you're doing well. PS I can relate to having thoughts of harm, I had a bit of them myself. Seems we have lifelong challenges...

XXX

[Guest Lilac12]

PS what I mean by unusual methods is that he may take the child outdoors, connect with him over a physical activity for instance - and since my son excels at athletics and unusual sports such as unicycling, and this is where he feels most at home and confident, it can be great for him. Also, that person has experience with children with anxiety who are having crises at school, which is a huge part of our situation - in fact, a large part of the worsening of the ocd and anxiety came about due to being bullied and misunderstood at school by his teacher and classmates, and his teacher's inability to be there for him, rather doing the opposite.

[Em24]

Hi Lilac,

As long as that therapist is BABCP recognised then I would say give it a try if you think it will suit your son.

I can't really comment on whether your son is unwilling or simply unable to click with your current therapist. It can happen. My son seems to grasp the OCD definition fairly well and talks about his thoughts and what he feels he needs to do to relieve his anxiety. But then we are doing this at home so I guess its different.

Thats great you got the book, I hope u find it as helpful as I have!

I'm sorry to hear he has had a bad experience at school, it sounds like that teacher was extremely unprofessional, have you considered making a complaint?

You've both been through a lot of stress recently and stress is a ****** for triggering off OCD again or worsening it as I'm sure u know already! U may find things start to settle down a bit once everything isnt so fresh?

Xx

[Guest Lilac12]

Thanks Emma, I'm really pleased I got the book and am reading through it... I'll have to see what this week brings in terms of further therapy - in any case I mean to continue going myself to the therapist to get the guidance I need as to how to best handle my son and his ocd, as he's been really helpful so far and things at home calmed down a lot. He said all along he could help him indirectly through me anyway, so perhaps it won't be a bad idea to do that for a while until I myself feel better able to handle things at home and see how he can slowly be brought back to normal functioning in terms of school, if that ever becomes possible again (I despair right now, it's so hard for me to deal with this hopelessness about school and him at home - I'm a single mother working from home, so the situation puts intolerable strain on me).

You're right about general stress prompting more ocd ... the calmer we are at home, the better he seems to be, really.

I hope you're doing ok yourself and I'll write again when there's more to tell...