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Nothing I can do with self-destructive husband


Guest 3sqfeet

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Guest 3sqfeet

I feel pretty angry and frustrated. I have really tried to be calm and kind, but every time we make a plan, my husband screws it up. He says he doesn't hate me, but behaves remarkably as if he does. We were supposed to talk tomorrow about financial practicalities, and now he says he has to work late on Sunday. And maybe we don't need to talk at all because the thing he was going to talk about won't be clear for another week...obviously not occurred to him that I might have things I need to talk about. Just me, me, me.

WTF can I do? It is like he has a checklist of '100 things to do to make things worse and feed my OCD', and he's working his way through them. I know people will say nothing you can do, look after yourself etc, but I feel like the only boundary line I have left is to give up. This is nothing like my husband.

Sorry, bit of a rant.

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Guest 3sqfeet

ok, rant over. Bit of an update. Husband called me, en route to seeing his psychiatrist and then a session with his CBT guy.

Having ranted here, I was a lot calmer. I pointed out that when he behaved like this, I felt it wasn't a priority to him and that he wasn't treating it as an equal conversation where we both had needs. He was a bit brusque initially, but relaxed slightly as I stayed very calm and gentle. It seems that his issues about me/our relationship are not about harm thoughts - he was quite sharp about that - , so more relationship doubt ones and he sees them as OCD-related probably. So, that's something! That he wants space away from me to concentrate on just thinking about himself because otherwise his head gets too full of confusion. Maybe it is as simple as he doesn't love me anymore, but has severe OCD too? That he doesn't hate me..but couldn't answer my question about anything he was doing which looked like behaving with concern or respect for me. And he also said that he loves me, and thinks of me every day, very confusing. I've asked him to think about not what he feels but what he does which could be more respectful.

I said that I needed his help because, standing from over here outside OCD-land, his behaviour in avoiding me is very extreme, very all or nothing after 18 years of love and genuine trust. That it makes me wonder if it is a compulsion and if accidentally, by trying to be kind, I am helping him feed the OCD. And that involving family as he moves forward with ERP could really increase the chance of success. That both of us want him to recover, irrespective of the future for us together, so I'm worried that we might be making a mistake in how we're handling things right now. I asked him to talk to his CBT chap about this, and then have a bit of think about what a less all or nothing plan might look like.

He said he will talk to him about it today. He also said - though I didn't ask - that he would ask his CBT chap if I should be involved in his therapy. Blimey, that's a potential breakthrough after 4 months...

My husband obviously found having the conversation stressful, but he did it anyway. Me too actually, it is hard to listen to someone who loved you so much but now seems to want most of all to not see you. And I'm really very nice, folks, honestly I am! But maybe, just maybe, it will create a tiny opportunity for him - and us - to move forward.

What do you think? Anyone found involving family in CBT helpful or not?

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Guest ciaramarie

I don't know I tell my family about it but sometimes it can hurt them more.x and as much as you might wanna know it might hurt you I've told my boyfriend everything. But I'm worried it effects him more than he lets on but I did tell my mum and dad everything and I feel I your open and honest nothing can really surprise ur family x

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Guest 3sqfeet

Thanks, ciaramarie. I think that knowing is easier than guessing, even if it is hurtful. But of course the person who suffers with OCD should also have the right to some private space, and details they might not want or need to share.

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  • 2 months later...
Guest trev2819

HI 3sqfeet,

Just been reading your posts and one question that comes to mind is whether or not your husband is on medication?

Reason is because whilst it re-balances the chemicals in your brain to help tackle the OCD easier, the fact it blocks ALL strong emotions - including love - can mean that a person finds it difficult to feel any strong emotions one way or the other. Not sure what the solution is, but hope it's helpful in understanding what may be going on.

regards,

Trevor

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I'm on meds and my emotions aren't blocked!

It does sound like your husband is avoiding you as part of his OCD. Just from what you have said really obviously I can't say 100%.

Did u manage to speak to his therapist? I know itself data protection etc but if you maybe just ask if including you in ERP may help him get better then at least you have suggested the idea x

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Guest 3sqfeet

Hi Trevor - he is on 60mg Paxil currently, been on it at gradually increasing dose since Dec. It's one of the tricky things from the outside of OCD is that, to me, it's obvious that he loved me deeply, then had a bit of a stress overload - we had a ghastly year of death & loss - and was diagnosed with severe OCD & depression. So numb feelings could be caused by any combination of stress/OCD/depression/SSRis! And because he reacted to it all by isolating himself from me & everyone else, I have no idea how he thinks his OCD affects his behaviour... so pretty impossible to guess from the outside. I get the sense he isn't sure who he is anymore, let alone how he feels about me.

On a positive note - a rare thing in the last few months! - he popped his head out of the fog & made contact with me at the beginning of this month. We talk 2-3 times a week on the phone, gently focusing on the here & now, and are seeing each other in a couple of weeks. He has actually apologised and said he now realises the silent limbo was unfair and unkind, although that wasn't his intention. I have decided and said that I can't factor OCD in if I don't know how it affects his behaviour, so I'm going to stop guessing! If he wants me to make allowances for it, he'll have to say something to help me understand. And we will try to figure out where 'here & now' is, and how we can slowly move forward. I'd like to work together to do that in small steps, but if he can't/won't, I will have to leave him in his own silence and start moving forward on my own. I love him very much, but not much else I can do after 6 months!

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