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What was this? Help, please!


Guest OCDsufferer9

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Guest OCDsufferer9

I currently work as a child support worker but have been suffering from POCD for over a year. I had a child sitting on my lap & was already thinking about my intrusive thoughts. I sometimes challenge and mock my OCD and do things which usually I wouldn't be able to do and today I did that again. I touched the child's leg to challenge my OCD. However, then, I accidentally touched his belly and felt the urge to touch this child inappropriately, like I wanted to take pleasure from it but it scared the **** out of me. I know I didn't want to touch the child inappropriately but at the same time, I feel as if I wanted to so now I'm wondering: "Could it be that I was mocking my OCD and I mistook it as pedophilia?" I'm afraid.

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Hi,

You know what this is, deep down, you know it's not you and this is another angle that the OCD brain is trying to work from.

Push through this- it'll feel less terrifying once you've been able to calm down a bit.

Binx

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Guest OCDsufferer9

Hi,

You know what this is, deep down, you know it's not you and this is another angle that the OCD brain is trying to work from.

Push through this- it'll feel less terrifying once you've been able to calm down a bit.

Binx

I touched him intentionally to mock my OCD and then had the urge to touch him again. The question now is: "Why did I have that urge? Was it to take pleasure or to mock my OCD?" This urge happened right after I was mocking my OCD. I touched his leg and in my mind I said: "See, I can touch it." It still felt real but after this, I felt the urge to touch his belly which gave me the same feeling of mocking the OCD but at the same time, it felt like I wanted pleasure from it. I'm not sure if you're following this.

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Guest OCDsufferer9

When you challenge your ocd lots of other thoughts and feelings pop in and often makes you feel worse. I know exactly how you feel.

So it's normal to feel this way? Do you think I was triggered because I challenged my OCD?

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Trying not give reassurance as it won't help. You know, deep down, what this is all about. You need to stop analysing it. I know it's really hard- I'm struggling with it so much today too.

Hope you feel better soon.

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Oh this is cool. Finding someone to relate to.

Also reassurance seeking. You've been here before, asked the same questions and got the same answers. Just remember whenever you fall prey to OCD and give in to compulsions, you take a few steps back from recovery.

You always have a choice, try and make the steps towards recovery and not backwards.

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Guest OCDsufferer9

Also reassurance seeking. You've been here before, asked the same questions and got the same answers. Just remember whenever you fall prey to OCD and give in to compulsions, you take a few steps back from recovery.

You always have a choice, try and make the steps towards recovery and not backwards.

Yeah, I know but this time, it felt different. I guess I want to know why this urge happened, what made it occur. Was it me mocking the OCD which triggered the urge, because I challenged it?

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Guest OCDsufferer9

I will try to believe you, Shelby. Normally I would ignore my spikes because I know they're just OCD and mean nothing. However, 2 days ago everything felt different and unusual so that's why I'm worried about this time not being OCD. I'm questioning why I had that funny feeling in my stomach whenever I looked at that child which, by the way, I thought was particularly cuter than others so I'm even more scared and the other one is why I touched the child's leg intentionally. Was it really to mock my OCD and do what my instinct told me not to do and what about the urge? What triggered it? I'm in complete hell.

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I'll tell you why you touched his leg. You were checking.

You did something to check what your reaction would be. I've been there and done that. It's a compulsion.

No, just touching a child is not a compulsion. In this case you did it on purpose. Checking behaviour, plain and simple.

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