POCD Please help

[Saffie]

Hello,

I have been on several OCD forums over the years. I have had POCD for almost 7 years now, was diagnosed around 6 years ago and had many other OCD obsessions before that.

I really need some help with a situation that happened earlier this year. For many years the paedophilia OCD has come in various forms. I am no longer obsessing over whether I am attracted to children as I used CBT techniques, exposure, etc to get past that. However, a few months back I was sitting playing with my little brother who is 5. I hadn't had many intrusive thoughts/feelings in a while as I had learned to dismiss them for the most part.

I was teasing him and my sister asked for a kiss, so I gave her a peck on the lips, as we always would do in our family (we are very affectionate). I recall getting a vague groinal response but ignored it and was not anxious about it. I then turned and gave my brother a couple of kisses and immediately had this feeling that it felt a bit like kissing a man/boyfriend affectionately. My brain made a quick association, which had a sexual element, probably combined with the act of being affectionate causing the arousal. I didn't get anxious, I even felt like I enjoyed the feeling and let it be there, then automatically went and gave him another quick kiss. As if I was enjoying it partly sexually, partly affectionately, and I just 'went with it'. I know I am not attracted to my brother, or any children, the feeling was due to brain associations and I am used to having all sorts of weird feelings from having POCD for years.

What really distresses me is that I was no anxious, nor obsessing or checking. It happened very quickly, so I cannot tell my true intentions. And I don't want to do anything sexual with my brother. But for those few seconds it seemed like a matter of the kiss feeling sexual, me enjoying that feeling and then giving him another kiss.

A few minutes after this happened I started getting intensely anxious, panicking, obsessing etc. It has been the worst obsession so far as it feels so real. I am terrified I assaulted him in some way or this could be molestation. I remember saying to myself straight after 'your intention was definitely wrong for the last time you kissed him.' But it happened so fast I don't know why on earth I did that, why didn't I get anxious, or just ignore it. Not feel like I was somewhat enjoying the arousal feeling then doing it again.

I'm just so confused. I am seeing the mental heath teams, the waiting lists for CBT are long and there is nothing they can do in the meantime. Ive been through the system with them a million times, been hospitalised more than once, honestly, they are no help. I have been on about 10 different medications over the years and now just take natural supplements as they are less harmful and don't suppress the problem like SSRI's and anti-psychs do.

Can anyone please help? I'd be really grateful and I'm sorry if this was graphic in any way. If I did something wrong I don't know what to do, should I report myself? I haven't head many obsessions or spikes ike this.

Thank you

[Guest lucylia]

I can relate in every sense of every word you said. I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you except .... I told my psych,mum,fiancé, and they all told me

I'd done nothing wrong ... I had to accept tht. I still to this day don't know why I kissed and hugged my wee boy again after feeling like it was kissing a man affectionately and I feel guilt over it but I admitted it to a mental health professional who is obligated to tell the police if she believes me a danger to myself or anyone else.... I still have my son and he is nearly 10. Hope this helps a little xx

Lucy xxx

[Saffie]

Wow. Thank you for sharing. You are the first person Ive spoke to who has had almost the exact same obsession. Ive told so many people. most have said, even if it was vaguely sexual, it happened so fast you wouldnt have had time to properly do something intentionally like that. Ive also been told feelings of affection can get mixed with certain sexual feelings and associations and it's just a confusion of the two. Ugh. It's horrible. It happened quicky, but I definitely remember a feeling that was enjoyable and somewhat sexual, and doing it again as if I wanted to carry on the feeling. I just don't know why, and probably never will. I usually freak out over any OCD responses, there could have been so many factors involved.

But I do appreciate your reply, it makes me feel less alone. This is probably the worst episode Ive had in a long time, and having to accept you may or may not have done something like that is horrendous. I hope you are doing well x

[PolarBear]

It is common for people to say, hey this time felt different, it felt so real, so maybe it wasn't OCD.

What you've described is OCD. Nothing more. You are going down the wrong track by ruminating over it, overthinking and trying to work out your motives. Those are compulsions and they need to be resisted/stopped.

[Saffie]

Thanks. I have been working everyday to let the anxiety be there. I am barely able to function and havent been able to for several months because of this. I am aware that the obsessing and ruminating is a compulsion. What concerned me was that I know I was aroused to some degree, I am not doubting that at all. And I also don't doubt that I enjoyed it and gave him another kiss partly due to this arousal. What I am obsessing about is how I let myself do that, because by many standards that is sexual contact with a child, however minor. Most people (and myself previously) would be uncomfortable or dismiss those feelings when in contact with a child. The fact that I enjoyed it in a partially sexual way is very disturbing. I have been told to forgive myself and move on, but that is way easier said than done.

[battlethrough]

Hi saffie,sorry your struggling on this fear

I haveing trouble with ruminations myself at the moment,i keep ruminateing because ocd is clever and throws something in to try and catch you at another angle

Easy for me to say but at the moment im trying to give my fears no time,absolutly none,not one aspect of it,wether I felt pleasure, arrousal,liked it,is all still part of ruminating,ocd trys to make you think its seperate from ruminating but its not,anything atall to do with your fear that we ponder over is keeping it alive

Im realy struggling with it to,wish you the best

[Saffie]

Thank you battlethrough. It's horrible that so many people are suffering like this. I have had this badly for 7 years and tried so much to get better. Once youve done everything and there's no where to go, and you are told you will have to just deal with it as best you can for the rest of your life...what on earth do you do? It seems like such a grim way of living.

[battlethrough]

It realy is,i have so many lovely people in my life yt still feel alone in the prison of my mind,

I have had counceling, tried meds,phcoligists,mindfullness,yoga,exersize

I hear cbt exp is the best method but ive always been to scared to mention the subject matter,

I get spells when I feel bettet then I tumble back down and wonder how I ended up back down,its so exhausting

Still we have to keep marching on,everyone has crosses to bear,some worse than others but we must keep our faith for recovery

[Saffie]

Yes that's true. I do know counselling therapies have proven to make OCD worse, and CBT and ERP are the only real ones that work. You shouldnt be afraid to tell them the subjct matter. All my psychiatrists and mental health nurses know all about it and they don't even raise an eyebrow, they always say they have heard it so many times before and nothing shocks them. My psychologist when I was in hospital said she had 3 people in the last month come to her with POCD issues. It is so much more common than you realise.

I hope you get the help you need, and best of luck

[alisando123]

It sounds to me like your OCD is making you overthink the whole situation really. When you kissed your brother it was probably your OCD rearing it's head and giving you the worries that you were aroused. you're scared of it happening right? So any slight feeling of being aroused you're going to pick up on, that's what OCD does

However, I don't see any malicious intent/sexual feelings here. You said yourself you would never actually harm your brother! That's what is important. Keep busy and think of it as just another OCD thought, forgive yourself and let the anxiety pass and try not to give the thought any meaning you'll be fine!

[Saffie]

Hi and thanks. I have had OCD and anxiety induced groinal responses for years, I had no anxiety at this time. The feeling was definitely vaguely sexual, I am aware of that. I was mainly being affectionate and then that feeling arose. I have been told and read that it is common for human beings to get aroused over close physical contact no matter who or what it is with, your brain can make sexual associations with many things. It's not the arousal as such that I am worried about, I know it was the closeness and the random association of kissing a man that caused the arousal. It's what I DID with that arousal. It wasnt a big huge feeling of desire, but it was definitely not a groinal response or a result of anxiety. In those few seconds I enjoyed the feeling and did it again. Then I got back to what I was doing, and immediately felt 'that was a little bit wrong.' That's when the obsessive thinking began and panic etc.

I have had a million 'arousal' spikes before. I definitely know the difference as they are usually driven by anxiety. In this case, I may be overreacting, but there was some level of real arousal there due to my thoughts (not the child), I am in no doubt of the feeling itself. And for whatever reason I didn't react to it with anxiety and this weird thing just happened. It feels as if I did something vaguely sexual with a child and I hate mysef for it. It is as though maybe I 'slipped' for a second and didnt think. I dont even know.

[Guest Fefe]

I'm sure it's just your ocd, it's so horrible I know.

[Saffie]

So do I. I usually always know deep down I am being irrational in some way. But I cannot explain this as OCD in any real way. The obsessing, yes, it is clearly OCD. The automatic vague sexual response, yes that can happen to anyone. But giving him another quick kiss as a result of this feeling seems so wrong. If I went to a police station and told them that I am pretty sure they would arrest me. Thank god it was just a kiss and he would not be harmed. But my thoughts behind it seemed somewhat wrong. I keep saying it happened so quickly I didnt think properly, but that is no excuse. I feel like OCD messed up my boundaries or something and I dont see how I can ever get past this.

[PolarBear]

You forgot something else that makes this OCD. You are clearly ruminating over this, a compulsion.

The way you get past this is to resist and eventually stop ruminating. Stop overthinking it. Stop analyzing the situation and your motives.

[Saffie]

Yes sorry that's what I meant. This ruminating over it is OCD, but it's more about what action I should take. I dont feel I deserve to get away with it, like it was a crime in a way. How do I accept that and pretend I can carry on being normal or even deserve that when I had those thoughts doing that? I can accept the possibility of being gay, of being attracted to kids or animals or whatever. I just can't accept having possibly done something illegal, especially when it is very likely that it was.

[battlethrough]

What things are you doing to distract,do you meditate,exersize,yoga?

[Guest ocd-but-never-knew]

Saffie. I totally understand what you are saying. I have suffered in a similar way for quite a few years.

I find work and a project or two are good ways of distracting yourself. You need to have strategies to refocus your mind, even if you do not believe it is justified to do so.

[Saffie]

Well I have recently had to move back home because I couldn't function by myself. I don't want to go back into hospital but it's looking like they might put me back in for a while. I am sometimes forced to get up and babysit the kids which is hard, I go into zoning out mode and try and do as much as possible until I break down and go and hide and cry. The anxiety and mental compulsions are so intense it's hard to eat or sleep, or anything really. I am just trying to survive at the moment, but the guilt is breaking me down gradually.

[Guest ocd-but-never-knew]

Saffie, I have had terrible guilt anxiety on and off and I understand how hard it it. I agree it is horrendous.

What support do you have around you? Not people to talk to, necessarily, but people who support you in little ways - cups of tea, taking the strain, a cheery hello, etc.

Also, what do you do to try to refocus your mind? Do you read? Walk? Watch TV? Work?

[Saffie]

My Mum is my main support. She understands a lot and is always looking for ways to help. Recently I havent been abe to do anything. But I used to work etc, just lost the job due to OCD eventually. I also used to read and paint, I just can't bring myself to do any of it. I really want to see a therapist but it's a long wait. I am trying to think of ways to make money so I could maybe get the Skype sessions with Dr Phillipson in America. He is apparenty really good.

[PolarBear]

Yes sorry that's what I meant. This ruminating over it is OCD, but it's more about what action I should take. I dont feel I deserve to get away with it, like it was a crime in a way. How do I accept that and pretend I can carry on being normal or even deserve that when I had those thoughts doing that? I can accept the possibility of being gay, of being attracted to kids or animals or whatever. I just can't accept having possibly done something illegal, especially when it is very likely that it was.

The action you should take us whatever is needed to overcome your OCD. It is OCD telling you what you did was bad (an obsession). You feed that obsession by ruminating and through whatever other compulsions you perform.

You need to work on your compulsions. When they are in check you will find your memory of that day nowhere near as traumatic as it is right now. In fact, managed properly, you won't give the thought a second thought.

[alisando123]

I see. I still think that it's your OCD that is making you obsess over this thought, whereas most people might have thought it was weird to do that, but know they would never harm their brother, so they move on and forgive themselves very quickly.

I don't see any harm in the 'action' that you did still! You said yourself you peck each other on the lips in your family. I used to do this as a child too! I know you are concerned about why you chose to kiss him again but it was just a kiss. You haven't done anything wrong like you said could be just your bodies natural response to it!

Please try and stop ruminating over it and then the guilt over this should slowly fade away! I've been plagued by horrible thoughts (mostly wishing bad things to happen to people) for years. I know I don't want these things to happen, but because I go over and over "why would I think that? Am I a bad person? Do I actually mean this?" It makes me feel horrible, guilty and upset with myself.

[Guest jayjay89]

I've had similar obsessions. You need to take that leap of faith and accept its ocd, stop feeding it with compulsions (rumination) and it will loose its power.

You can do it

Good luck!

[Guest ocd-but-never-knew]

You say you gave up work as the OCD was so bad. I would suggest you have lost an important distraction and that you need to build it up again. Try to regain an interest in your work life. It will also help with self-esteem.

Are you in work right now?

[Saffie]

I worked on and off for 3 years. I fought to keep the job with everything I had, but I kept either being admitted to hospital or almost passing out from the anxiety in work. I could barely feed myself let alone hold down a job. So the Disability people signed me off work until at least 2015. I try and do things in the meantime when I am better. No employer will take me given my history and inability to work regularly.

I am trying to cut the compulsions. Lats night was horrendous. I am more distressed because I felt it was somewhat wrong at the time, and I don't doubt it was wrong in some way. I have had poor insight in the past, dissociation and loss of touch with reality etc. As well as intense periods of depression since a young age.

I have had so much experience with OCD, I have written articles on it for magazines, a publisher even showed interest in me writing a book about Pure-O. I've moderated other OCD forums for years. I KNOW the disorder inside out, so this is strange for me and confusing. I can't see this as OCD really at all. I have worked hard to get out of spikes in the past with exposure and acceptance, I manage the thoughts for up to a few months and start to function again, and then it all comes crashing down and I lose everything else in the process. I have been told due to the history in my family that this will be something that I will have to fight the rest of my life. I have had OCD since I can remember even being able to think. I know once it develops into a severe stage it is very hard to come back from and will usually have to be managed as best as possible. I am exhausted trying, I doubt I will be able to do that for another god knows how many years.