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Am I being too selfish?


Guest jr2102

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Guest jr2102

My partner has had OCD for a number of years but about 6 months ago he had a particularly bad episode and finally decided to seek treatment. Since then he has been undergoing therapy and has improved enough to return to work and attempt to lead a 'normal' life. He suffers most when things are ending and so this past weekend being the last in March and the change of clocks was particularly difficult for him. It was also Mothers Day and as we have 3 young children I asked him to help them out with the breakfast in bed now that our oldest could use a toaster and boil a kettle under supervision.

Unfortunately due to an incident the evening before involving someone spilling salt towards him (this is a particular issue at the moment) when helping with the breakfast he 'spilt' some crumbs of bread (which contains salt) and had to spend most of the morning going through his ritual to help him get on with his day. Long story short it meant I did everything yesterday instead of having a day off and whilst I get that OCD can interrupt the best laid plans I haven't had anytime to myself since this began as he doesn't like me to leave him alone in the evenings and is unable to help put the children to bed by himself. I don't get time during the week as my youngest is only a toddler so when I asked for one thing for me I was upset that it didn't happen. I got angry as I had spent the day doing everything whilst he did his rituals and then he accused me of being selfish when I complained about it.

Is is wrong to ask for one day for myself occasionally? We rarely go out as a couple and would both like more time for this but with limited babysitters available and several weddings to attend this year all my favours are called in for us to go to them. I am beginning to dread weekends when he is home as I have to walk on eggshells and am unable to relax in case I say something to upset him. Can anyone suggest a way to keep calm when plans get cancelled due to OCD and way to suggest I get some time away from it all without making him feel like I don't love him or want o be around him anymore.

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To answer your question - NO, you're not being selfish. It's tricky, frustrating and just plain miserable sometimes, living with someone with mental health problems. I sympathise, I have OCD myself and my boyfriend has severe depression.

How much has your partner talked to you about his OCD? Do you feel that you're generally patient and understanding? Can you separate him from his OCD in your mind and explain that you're angry at the OCD not him? Tell him how you feel about walking on eggshells around him. Make it clear you're not getting at him you just want to help both of you. He probably feels frustrated so I can understand why he'd get defensive if you get annoyed with him.

You've got the right to ask for things that you want. His feelings shouldn't always come first just because he's got OCD. I think you need to tell him everything that you've posted above - that you love him but you need to think of yourself as well. I try to have a back up plan if I'm going out with my boyfriend. He can get depressed at any time. Sometimes I end up going out alone or with a friend instead. I try to be annoyed at the depression not at my boyfriend.

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  • 3 weeks later...

As an OCD sufferer I'd say you don't sound selfish at all. As painful as OCD is, I'm sure you've seen that with your partner, it can be very wearing on loved ones. Easy to say, but gently but firmly try to tell him you can't help facilitate his rituals. Sometimes, a firm decisive response will help nip his OCD in the bud. The other alternative is to tell him to delay his rituals (delaying can be a part of therapy, while he helps you first.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest eve.bisrat

any time a person says i find myself walking on eggshells around this person, that is a clear indicator that said person is being abusive...

you are not suppose to dread your husband and walk on eggshells around him no matter what. yes, he has OCD, that doesn't' mean he has a free pass to be abusive...

you are already dreading his reaction, or being home with him, or considering do you even have a right to be upset with your own husband....

yes, you have a right to be upset, people get upset with their loved ones, it is pretty normal to experience human emotions, including anger...

(anger, not rage, but anger will progress into rage if left unaddressed)

it's good to engage in constructive and honest communication, but for that your hubby will have to tone down his own selfishness and hear your needs out, and try and meet them to the best of his ability, despite his OCD...

you are not his therapist or his maid, or his nurse, or a bin to put his inner rubbish in, you are his partner and wife, he needs to respect you and treat you like one...

this has little to do with OCD, plenty of non OCD husbands or wives are bad partners, your husband needs to realize that he is being a bad, disrespectful, abusive partner and stop using his OCD as an excuse not to be the best husband he can...

confront him, calmly but firmly. stand you're ground, but don't shoot him of course, that is only the last resort... :lol:

Edited by eve.bisrat
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this has little to do with OCD, plenty of non OCD husbands or wives are bad partners, your husband needs to realize that he is being a bad, disrespectful, abusive partner and stop using his OCD as an excuse not to be the best husband he can...

Seriously?

I am afraid you are clearly needing to understand OCD better before you engage in posting, so maybe you should stop posting and try reading the posts of what people go through for a few days beore you post again!

Yes, in this case the OCD is problematic, but one can hazard a guess (without fully knowing him) that JR's husband is not bad, disrespectful or abusive, but is merely having his life, and JR's life dictated to by his OCD. That does not make him any of the things you describe, it makes them both two people whose lives are impacted by the OCD. Something that good support (for them both) can change for the better.

Ashley

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Guest eve.bisrat

Seriously?

I am afraid you are clearly needing to understand OCD better before you engage in posting, so maybe you should stop posting and try reading the posts of what people go through for a few days beore you post again!

Yes, in this case the OCD is problematic, but one can hazard a guess (without fully knowing him) that JR's husband is not bad, disrespectful or abusive, but is merely having his life, and JR's life dictated to by his OCD. That does not make him any of the things you describe, it makes them both two people whose lives are impacted by the OCD. Something that good support (for them both) can change for the better.

Ashley

administrators and moderators are turning this forum into a place for saying that i know very little about OCD, offering no arguments for that claim. very dogmatic and completely beside any point.

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administrators and moderators are turning this forum into a place for saying that i know very little about OCD, offering no arguments for that claim. very dogmatic and completely beside any point.

I thought I had offered a response to explain my comment. But I tell you what, why don't you message me in private and we can discuss.

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Oh Ashley is completely on point. And it's not just moderators who have a problem with your posting style.

As a sufferer of OCD for 40 years I can say comfortably that you do not understand the disorder and it's profound effect on people's lives.

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Is is wrong to ask for one day for myself occasionally?

As someone with long-term OCD, I don't think you are at all selfish for wanting some 'you' time. It may not be practical because of the kids, but I remember two of my friends (she with OCD, the partner without) and he would take himself off every 2/3 weekends on his own. He described to me as his 'OCD battery recharge' which allowed him to remain strong for his wife the rest of the time. For them it was possible financially for him to do that, and it did work, she recovered from her OCD and they did it by working together, (good communication is key).

For some partners, that does actually mean being part of the therapy 'team', the sufferer and partner working together as a team. CBT is actually about teaching us to become our own therapists anyway, and those around us can help.

But the key is all working together, so maybe a conversation with other-half is needed and finding that middle ground where you can help and support each other :)

Ashley :)

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Guest eve.bisrat

I thought I had offered a response to explain my comment. But I tell you what, why don't you message me in private and we can discuss.

we have nothing to discuss i have, in every way, reached my limit with this forum.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest sophie13

Not at all, you are not selfish. He should not say that to you even if I know how much he suffers. I have OCD myself and I'm having a relapse. My husband was selfish sometimes or just didn't get it and I think he should have helped me more, but this is it. It's up to me to get better and all I can do to my husband is to make him understand better how not to enter my compulsions. Mine are mental and I'm teaching him how to say to me "it is just your ocd, baby. It will go away."

My point is: is your husband taking treatment? Does he do CBT? Because you are not supposed to enter his compulsions and his compulsions should not be let run free until you become crazy. If in fact ask him to help, it will help him too. He suffers, but you are not selfish.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Sally44

Have you had a benefits check to see if you/your partner are entitled to anything, DLA, working tax/child tax credits etc. And then use that money to get a baby sitter so you can get out. Can you get carers allowance?

My son has OCD and also autism. OCD and Anxiety Disorder has been around for the last 5 years. But autism from birth. And for years, no matter how hard we planned a 'family day out', it always fell apart as he could not cope, got upset, would vomit, and one of us, or both of us and our daughter would have to return home.

In primary school, year 5, he was so anxious he was out of school for a year and refused to leave the house. That made me a prisoner 24/7 in my own home. I felt like a hostage.

We didn't have a night out together for years. And when we finally did, it was so alien that we kind of sat their like rabbits stuck in a car headlight!

I'm sure your partner wants you to have some time to yourself, and he also wants to do things with the kids etc. And when we are upset and angry and stressed and anxious then we say things we don't mean. Just today I could have quite happily throttled my husband.

But see if the benefits route can get you some extra cash to pay someone so you can get some free time.

Edited by Sally44
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