Guest notmeow Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Hi all. This has been a really difficult week for me and I just need to commiserate. I feel hopeless and my suffering is at an all time high, but I've kept it inside because I'm moving across the country this week and I know I would terrify my family if I expressed how I really feel. I can't even express myself fully to my psych doctor or therapy group, because none of them are extremely knowledgeable in OCD specifically and they just say "oh, OCD can be especially hard to treat" when I discuss my lack of any progress, like yeah no kidding. I feel desperate and so alone. I'm moving across the country alone and I am so sure I will isolate myself and ruin the opportunity because my current method of operation is to self-destruct at every turn. I am so terrified and I don't know what to do. Every time I see anything about sexual assault I become more convinced that I am a sexual assaulter and that I deserve only the worst things in life. (When I was in play in high school we were supposed to fake kiss with closed mouths but I accidentally opened my mouth and touched my tongue to his lip). I read about people who tried to kiss strangers and we're charged with sexual assault and I know that that is the same thing. I feel that I am basically a rapist and nothing can convince me otherwise and I know that writing this may seem like a compulsion and I am so so sorry to break the rules but I have literally nowhere else in my life to get this out and I just need to know someone had been let in on my pain. what can I do? I am not looking for reassurance, I know that is a compulsion. I just need to not feel alone. I am so sorry... I may have these compulsions but I may also be an assaulter at the same time and I am so sorry. I don't know how to continue when I am so alone in this... Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am resisting the compulsion to add more about the event and explain why I am definitely a sexual abuser. I will not do this because true or not it's a compulsion and I won't do it. Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I feel so alone. It's like having a dream that you've done something evil but when you wake up it'S true. I just need to get it out I am so sorry I just have nowhere else to share Link to comment
Guest Scout Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 You have not commited sexual assault. I know it seems impossible to think otherwise, but you haven't. You are not alone in this, sometimes I feel like I could hurt someone and, although I don't, I feel guilty for thinking it althought they are intrusive thoughts. I worry a lot, but you haven't done anything wrong. Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I don't know how to stop when everything is a trigger. I see something about someone being charged with sexual assault for snapping someone else'd bra and I fear that what I did is worse, like obviously it wasn't on purpose in my case but the effect was still more invasive and even if I could ever believe it wasn't the worst thing ever it is still kind of bad and j can't live with that uncertainty, of being a kind of bad person. Everything I ever do feels like it will be tainted by what kind of person that I am. And I worry that the good things I do - volunteering, surprises for friends, kind things for family - are just me trying to absolve my guilt. And I am so alienated from everyone around me because I am in my head all of the time and I can't get out. I am distant with everyone . I am so lost. I am sorry and I thank you for your help Link to comment
PolarBear Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I suggest you read the thread I started called (No) Crime and Punishment, which talks about the very OCD theme you have. You are not alone. Quite a few others have the same sort of thoughts going through their heads. You have it stuck in your head that you are a bad person but you're not going to convince anyone here that you are. Reassurance won't work. You've posted about this before, been told it was a minor incident not worth worrying about, yet you're back here again in the same state. Reassurance doesn't work. You have to forgive yourself and resist your compulsions. Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Thanks Polar Bear I know you're right, and I have read your thread. It was as if you had taken a peak right inside my brain - everything you wrote describes how I feel. I just start feeling like either I have to let it out or I'll do something worse - like seek out triggers that will prove I am evil. It gets so bad and I'm in a new city and I just don't want to have a breakdown but I don't really know where to turn Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 In case I didn't make it clear enough, I am very thankful for your comments. Link to comment
Running Lover Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 hope your okay I'm going through similar. Utter torture. You haven't done anything wrong although I'm probably not supposed to tell you that. I can't even write mine on here Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I want to tell you that I'm sure yours isn't bad, but that would be hypocritical. Isn't it just the worst? You can see ration when it comes to others but not yourself. I feel like prisoner to my own mind (that is, when I'm not feeling like I just deserve it). I am having so many positive changes around me - very dramatic changes - but I can't enjoy them because I can't stop thinking about this, even for 5 minutes. This is hell. Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I want to tell you that I'm sure yours isn't bad, but that would be hypocritical. Isn't it just the worst? You can see ration when it comes to others but not yourself. I feel like prisoner to my own mind (that is, when I'm not feeling like I just deserve it). I am having so many positive changes around me - very dramatic changes - but I can't enjoy them because I can't stop thinking about this, even for 5 minutes. This is hell. Link to comment
Running Lover Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Yes I totally know what you mean. Do you feel like if something good/nice happens to you, you don't deserve it? Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Completely! And then I start sort of sabotaging myself, to put myself in my place. It makes trying to function so difficult. Link to comment
Guest notmeow Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) Today has been hard. So many triggers, so little time to distract myself or do things that might help. I don't know what to do when they pop up - every time it's like the nightmare is beginning anew. We went through sexual assault/harassment policies at work, and that was hell, and then I feel guilty for thinking it's hell because I deserve this. But I'm still functioning, so that has to be worth something. Edited March 3, 2015 by notmeow Link to comment
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