Please read. I don't know how to live with this :(

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I want to first apologise because many of you may have read my threads previously on the same topic but I'm so desperate at the moment. I'm beside myself and I need some help.

When I was 12/13 I played out on my street one day with children of varying ages. As one of the oldest in the group I used to look after the little ones. I took this seriously and I felt important. I feel terrible because one little girl about 4 I let her step into the road (quiet close) just so I could tell her off I even smacked her. I was cross when she cried and her dad came outside and I lied about it. Later I asked her if she needed the toilet we went in and knowing now but not then that I was showing repetitive ocd behaviours then. I kept making her sit and stand then wiping her. I asked her if it hurt and she pointed to her vagina. I checked her repeatedly. To do this I obviously had to touch her down there. I told her there was nothing there and asked her if it still hurt and she said no. I dont know if it's intrusive doubts that are making me think I checked her again after this even checking the inner parts. But what I do know is I wiped her roughly because I was annoyed with her that she had got me in trouble for crying and had said it hurt when it probably hadn't. Now I'm questioning if I was rough checking her. I want to stress this was not in any way sexual or anything like that at all. I was mothering her and trying to be a grown up. I'm just devastated that this is ill treatment of a child or even abuse? I can't live with myself at the moment and can't see any sort of future. Il never know if I physically hurt her by checking because I was cross with her. So I live in fear of being reported or that Iv damaged and ruined someone's life from this. I'm completely mortified I can't tell you. If anyone can advise or give an opinion on this please please respond. Stuck x

[Caramoole]

Like I've asked several others today......What are you going to do to change your response?

There is no point carrying out compulsions, they make matters worse. And you cannot change the past in any way.

So, given that information, all you can do is work in the here and now. What actions are going to take to change things?

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

In the here and now I feel like I don't deserve to live for what I did.

[Caramoole]

Well you can't change anything other than your reactions. Given you're posting on an OCD Forum it suggests you suffer from OCD, so have to treat it as such and put the advice into practise.

So I'll ask again, "What are you going to do to change your response?"

You can carry on beating yourself up and making self-loathing statements or you can choose to try and start doing things differently. What's it to be?

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I'm sorry Caramoole but I don't know how to answer that question.

No matter how I change the way I think I still did something wrong.

[PolarBear]

We've been through this before with this exact same situation. You were given advice. You went away. Now you come back with the same problem and asking for more advice. The advice remains the same. It's not going to change. The only thing that needs to change is you. Take on the advice you're being given and really put it into practice. Otherwise you're just stuck in a reassurance loop that is going to get you nowhere.

You are stuck on what happened in the past. It is guilt OCD. Pure and simple. You are fixated on a minor, irrelevant event from your past. Do you hear me? I'm telling you that the event was minor and irrelevant. Your disorder is blowing the significance of that event all out of proportion. it is NOT as important as you think it is.

So what do you do about it? First, forgive yourself. Yes, you can do that. You do not deserve to be punished by yourself for one more minute. Second, stop the compulsions. Stop reassurance seeking. Stop going over this in your head. Refuse to get drawn into mental debates about that day. it's not worth it and all it will do is keep it top of mind where you don't want it.

Now take this advice to heart and try, really hard, to implement it. If you don't, the next time you come back and tell the same story and ask for help again, the advice won't be any different.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I don't know how you can refer to this as minor? :'-(

[Caramoole]

I don't know how you can refer to this as minor?

You have to either accept that or stay stuck where you are It's the only way forward.

There is no benefit in anyone here thrashing out and dissecting this incident from your childhood.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

So are you suggesting my view of this event is irrational?

[Caramoole]

Completely & utterly

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

Thank you for your input bambi. I was meaning with regard to how I'm seeing this event with regard to the huge level of seriousness and guilt. If that makes sense?

[PolarBear]

The huge level of seriousness you put on that event is misplaced. It is not that serious. It is minor. It should be easily dismissed. But your OCD has latched onto it and made it into a big deal even when it's not a big deal. You're buying into that by performing compulsions, making it an even bigger deal.

Stop the compulsions.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

Not that serious? I was rough with her because I was cross with her. And when it involves that area of the body?!

[Caramoole]

What sort of response do you want people to make?

Are you looking for people to say "It's okay, it's just OCD"

Are you looking for people to say "You are an evil, wicked person who needs punishment"

Are you wanting people to reassure you you were just a child when you did this?

Are you using the thread as a means of punishing/hating yourself?

It would help to try and really identify for yourself what your aim is, what you're hoping for. That way you can identify faulty thinking/behaviour

[PolarBear]

Not that serious? I was rough with her because I was cross with her. And when it involves that area of the body?!

You are doing your best to convince yourself that what you did was terribly wrong and worthy of punishment years later. You can continue to do that and stay stuck right where you are or you can accept that it was a minor incident not worth your effort and do the work necessary to overcome it. That's your choices. Choose wisely.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I had a really different few days. No compulsions- nothing. I won't say I haven't struggled because I have with the anxiety and guilt that has sat in the back of my mind. Tonight something triggered thoughts about this event above and I wasn't strong enough now I feel like I'm back to square one. 4 days of no neutralising hasn't changed it or made me see some sort of clarity. Does that mean it's actually not ocd? I'm worried because I don't know what in supposed to see happen. I know it's all about guilt I feel about the past which Iv been told is irrational. So what should happen? I won't feel guilty?! Really disheartened. Stuck x

[PolarBear]

You're just letting the doubt get to you. That's all. Congratulations on going four days without compulsions. That's an achievement. However, these things can take weeks or months to resolve. Slow goes the course. Shake yourself off and keep resisting those compulsions. All of them.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

Thank you polarBear I just don't understand the end goal? Is this classed as a cognitive distortion?

[Guest Himmel]

When you fight ocd and stop the compulsions. The amount of intrusive thoughts will increase, new rules and obsessions Can occur I have read and experience myself. It is because you used to react a certain way and the brain is confused and the anxiety is not being calmed down by compulsions.

It is normal to go back to square one all the time. It happens to me and is very anoying and makes you sad. But you just have to register that and go off the ocd train again. It takes weeks to get well when you start to fight it. When it sets you back lower the bar of succes and start to make special events during the day free of ocd like no compulsions during dinner, when cooking, when watching tv, when going to the toilet whatever.

It is not easy but managable. And I know you get sad when the vicous cycle starts again. I cant understand why I just dont stop.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I feel like I'm going to live in fear of being arrested. I don't know how to live with that. I repeatedly checked her genitals I think because I had ocd then as a child and Iv spent over 12 months worrying if I was rough with her when I wiped her then I could have been rough when I checked her genitals. This would be seen as abusibe by the authorities. This happened 15 years ago and in mortified she may think I'm an evil person.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

How can I forgive myself for that

[PolarBear]

You just do. The problem is that you won't let this go. You are obviously going over that minor event from your past in your mind. That's ruminating and that's a compulsion. You have the power to stop doing that but it takes a lot of hard work.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

Thank you polar but I feel like your not understanding me. Being rough when checking a child's genitals- how is that minor?

[PolarBear]

The thing is, you didn't really mention that the first time you brought this up on the forum. Over time, as you focus and fixate on that minor event, your brain starts to embellish the situation. Because of the nature of OCD, the situation becomes worse and worse in your mind and things get blown all out of proportion. You're now talking about a situation that, to you, is much worse than when you first brought it up on the forum. That's to be expected because you won't let this go. You keep thinking and thinking about it, what actually happened gets embellished, which causes you to become more concerned, which makes you think about it even more.

You have to break the cycle or this will never stop bothering you.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

I agree with you that I didn't bring up that specific. But I did bring it to the forum firstly in 2012 with fear that I'd done something wrong but not so specific. When I did look at the memory more closely and I realised I had checked her genitals that's when I questioned whether or not I could have touched the inner parts whilst checking which then turned into me questioning did I check the inner parts and was I rough because I was cross. If that makes sense. Can anyone agree that doing this would be abusive behaviour and could get into trouble for? My therapist told me this still wouldn't warrant the amount of guilt and self punishment I'm inflicting on myself. I can't see how I'm being irrational with this? I really can't.