Feeling very scared and going out my mind

[Marko2020]

I have suffered from ocd for about 15 plus years and everyday is truly a struggle. Recently I got into a series called breaking bad. Now it started off as just watching the programme but then I found I was getting addicted and obsessed with it. I keep thinking f am the main character and all the stuff he did flashes in my head a lot and it's started to become a problem for me. I'm nasty to people around me now because of this and I feel when I smile or do anything I see him smile exactly the same . I feel I'm loosing my mind and don't know what to do about this. I have stopped watching IT due to this and it's still always on my mind. Just wondering if anyone has had anything similar or if it is indeed me loosing my mind .

[Marko2020]

Day 2 and still not any better. I try and use the "it's only a though" and foret it or even laugh it off but it's very powerful.i think about it every second and the more I try to forget it the more it does it. I don't know what to do because I'm scared I turn into this character and it feels I'm loosing my mind. I sit here and shake and my heart goes like mad and my mind is always active thinking it. I thought someone would of replied by now but no one seems to? I don't have a cpn or psychologist any more and haven't for a year now. I'm still on 150mg venlafaxine though. I know reassurance isn't good but surely I won't turn into this person will I as he is a horrible person. My own fault I guess for watching breaking bad every second of the day specially when I knew my ocd would kick in. Starting to get tired of this now.

[Hal]

It's not your fault for watching Breaking Bad Marko, the fault for what you're going through lies squarely with the power of OCD and how it can make us believe some pretty irrational things sometimes.

Ideally you shouldn't really be avoiding the programme, but if you can, at least work at not actively trying to forget about the thoughts or push them away, I know that seems logical when you want to be rid of them, but it's counterproductive by actually placing them more not less at the forefront of your attention.

When the thought strikes over the way you're smiling and the fear you're morphing into the character, try to keep going with what you're doing by ignoring it or better yet, answer it with a 'maybe I am smiling like him, maybe I will become him, I can live with that,' and refocus on something else.......taking that position should gradually take the wind out the disorder's sails and undermine it.

I'm itching to reassure you over this, but it won't help you in the long term, but do you think it would be worth getting back in touch with your old CPN or psychologist again for more support and a possible review of your medication?

The key though in the short term is to try to keep busy, let the thoughts come, but keep focusing on the matter in hand despite them niggling away, easier said than done, but it will help.

Hal :original:

[Marko2020]

Hi Hal.

Yeah that makes sense to just say "maybe" etc and that's what I'm trying. It doesn't help that one of my close friends says I sound like I have a mixed personality disorder and it's not ocd. As you know it starts a whole

New kettle of fish that comment. I shouldn't try to fight the thoughts I know it's wrong but trying to put it into perspective is the hard part as I've always had an imagination . Spent most my life alone with no friends and had to resort it made up ones which is bad I know. Age of 14 I developed ocd by watching hell raiser horror film and ever since then my life changed for the worse. Now 21 years on its still here. I always wonder if ocd is what I have but 3 psychologist wouldn't be wrong

[Hal]

It doesn't help that one of my close friends says I sound like I have a mixed personality disorder and it's not ocd.

I guess they felt they were helping, but however well-meaning.......at the end of the day the people to trust when it comes to something as complex as mental health are the professionals - the psychologists and psychiatrists.

Do you think maybe your doubt around the diagnosis of OCD hinders you sometimes with how you approach it, treatment wise.......have you had CBT in the past?

[Marko2020]

That's what I'm wondering if I haven't truly accepted its ocd. Yeah I had cbt a lot but the 2nd time round my domestic girlfriend stopped me going to see them and use to beat me up and hurt me mentally by stopping me seeing my mum and friends. My mind isn't like anyone else's though as I give in so easy and have all my life. I hear people say " it's ocd just laugh it off and practice it etc". I've tried all that for 20 years and never managed it once. I guess university is also getting to me because it's very hard at the moment and jingling this stuff as well just makes it worse

[Hal]

I hear people say " it's ocd just laugh it off and practice it etc".

I'm guessing those people don't have the disorder, if only it was that easy to laugh it off, but I agree with the practice bit.....the more I apply the CBT the less I seem to get 'floored' by the OCD, it does still happen, but I don't want to think where I'd be now w/o it.

I'm not sure if you're still with the same g/f, if she treated you like that I hope you're not.....it's hard enough as it is coping with the anxiety and thoughts without having to put up with an abusive relationship too......are you in a better place now, home wise? One where you could maybe focus more on your own health and what's right and good for you with another course of CBT?

Don't feel that because you've tried for so many years and haven't managed to make headway, that it won't click at some point, it really can.....and there's also the option down the line of more intensive inpatient treatment that could help.

It might also be worth getting in touch with your uni's Mental Health Team, most universities have them now and would provide you with a bit more support.

[Marko2020]

No after the court case I had nothing more to do with her. I'm back home for a few months until I get a place from university. I have made a new appointment with my local doctor and will explain to him what's going on. I do think myself that this is just a thought and stuff but then my mind says " no your just doing this because you read people saying to do it" then it tends to be me and my inner voice fighting . When I had a cpn they said they didn't know what else to do with me as I was a lost case and that kinda made me feel even worse. Ruminating and analysing is hard not to do and with my mind it seems to be intrusive picture memories of films and it attaches to that so I can physically see it in my mind it's strange.

[Hal]

When I had a cpn they said they didn't know what else to do with me as I was a lost case and that kinda made me feel even worse.

What a terrible thing to say to you, no one, let alone a CPN should ever say that, it just isn't true Mark........we've had people here who've struggled for years, sometimes decades and found some relief, they're not necessarily cured, but certainly improved......it really makes me that someone had the gall to say that to you, please don't 'buy' into it, they're wrong.

Ruminating is very hard not to do, I've struggled more working on reducing that compulsion than I have the washing.......a sink's not always within easy reach, but ruminating can take place anywhere at anytime, something that really helped me with that, are the 'Four Steps.'

I'm not sure if you've come across them before, but they're available on our homepage here and might be worth a look, but having a chat with your local doctor sounds like a good plan, maybe without the stress you were under with your old g/f and the court case, you might be able to get more out of the CBT.

[Marko2020]

Thank you very much for your kind advice I really appreciate it. We all have our ups and downs and I think this is just a blip after all I went through. I was working at the time and it seemed to take the thoughts away for a bit but when I returned to uni I'm

So far ahead I'm told not to come in haha. So i go in once a week now and I have 6 days to find stuff to do . I wonder sometimes if thinking I'm someone else I'm relating to there character too much. As the character is like me so shy etc and no friends and then he does the making meth and everyone likes him and he becomes a bad ass. It's like a fantasy even though I detest drugs and would never go near them. The ocd knows this and feeds off my disgust of all this which makes it more powerful

[Marko2020]

So I was resetting a laptop yesterday to sell and my very old ocd thought came back. I have this thing that I can't do things or see things in 3 and I don't know why . I saw the progress bar going up to 3% an do kept going " open, ****,open,shut until it changed to 4%. Now when I got my ocd I got it while watching hell raiser and in the scene he opens a wall to hell and that's what I was opening and closing. I know it's stupid and I said it was just q thought and labelled it as one but the urge to re do the laptop and see the 3% is always there but I'm damned if I'll give in this time as I'm fighting it off and trying to distract myself. It doesn't help I can't sleep. Not sure if anyone else gets these or not: also has anyone experienced what they thought was possessed ocd what're they think they are possessed by a demon or it came out the film into them? I get that now and again