Just need to talk

[Purplepiper7]

I find it stressful and exhausting because I don't ever truly stop thinking. If my classwork isn't enough to engage me, then I'm out of luck. It's not like I can just get up and go play my clarinet or play video games, I have to stay in class for most of the day. People have been telling me that school's almost out since January, as if I'm some sort of idiot that can't read a calendar. I feel sick just thinking about class today, living in a society that's preoccupied with tests and quizzes. They also like to word questions in ways that make as little sense as possible, just so that they can trick us into picking the wrong answer. My mind, being the jumbled mess of thoughts and ideas that it is, doesn't always pick up on these things. I shouldn't have to sit there and spend ages trying to decipher what the question is asking, I should be able to answer it and move on. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for help that I was first offered two years ago! I'm not getting any younger here. I'm not going to school today. I've already made up my mind. It's not worth it. I'll spend my day doing things that interest me, and I'll distract myself from my OCD by learning calculus, reading, playing my clarinet, etc. But first, I will rest, because I'm so tired that my head hurts.

[Guest eden1616]

School is hard. I hate tests as i can never concentrate. I used to think a lot like that about school but i guess now it is kind of like school is there to teach you how to work in a work environment. A lot of the stuff with school and the way it is set out is similar and all really points to the goal of work as an adult. And as frustrating as it is work as an adult is set out in a way that most people will be comfortable in and is trying to fit a million people into the same mould and it doesn't always work but it is an attempt to get everyone to get a long. I guess what i am trying to get at is that even if it seems pointless now it should all make more sense later you just have to wait it out.

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you eden. It's completely possible that I'll decide to stop loving God in the future, and I don't want to be around to find out. I'm tired, and school takes up so much energy that I don't have much, if any, left when I get home. Getting up every morning is difficult because everything else is difficult, and I know that it will be. I'm fully aware that I'm going to be anxious and depressed, so why should I even bother? So that I can get into a good college and have a good life? I don't even want a life. I never asked for one, and quite frankly, I wish that I'd never existed. I'm going to take a nap.

[daisy]

Hi Purplepiper,i'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time,just hope you soon start to feel better about things,iv'e missed you on here xx

[Guest eden1616]

I can't say whether or not you will keep your religion as you age and doing so would just be giving you reassurance. No you didn't ask to be born but by the same token I am sure you would believe that god did intend for you to be born and that he has a plan for you when you will realize that plan I don't know maybe in a year maybe in 10 years but you have to be around to find out. I am sorry I could have asked this but I have forgotten are you seeing someone about all of this?

[Purplepiper7]

Hi Purplepiper,i'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time,just hope you soon start to feel better about things,iv'e missed you on here xx

Thanks daisy, how kind of you. I hope that you're feeling okay?

[Purplepiper7]

I can't say whether or not you will keep your religion as you age and doing so would just be giving you reassurance. No you didn't ask to be born but by the same token I am sure you would believe that god did intend for you to be born and that he has a plan for you when you will realize that plan I don't know maybe in a year maybe in 10 years but you have to be around to find out. I am sorry I could have asked this but I have forgotten are you seeing someone about all of this?

I know that you're right, but I don't want to take that chance. I'm aware that it seems ridiculous to want to eliminate myself over something that may never happen, but one could say that I'm "desperate." No, I don't know what God's plan is, and I do have to be around to find out, but I do not want to experience anything that would make me want to turn away from him. Just thinking about it is making me feel awful, but of course, I can't stop thinking about it. My intrusive thoughts are similar to accusations, but they're coming from inside my own mind (obviously, considering they're thoughts), so I don't know that I can call them that.

I'm not seeing anyone currently, although my mom and I are inching our way towards making it happen. Baby steps now.

[Guest eden1616]

That is good hopefully you will find someone to help.