Jump to content

Trying to find the courage to open up


Guest alicebird

Recommended Posts

Guest alicebird

Hello

I have had OCD for a very long time. I think at least 15 years at this point. I am 25 now. I haven't had to use this forum for many many years.

I am having what I refer to as a 'flare up' (best way I can describe it). It is a bad one for me. I saw an article about a man who got sent to prison for something I get scared I have done on Saturday night and I've been downhill ever since.

I am terrified I have done this thing. I told my mum and sister about it and described what I did and they said I haven't done anything wrong. I know they shouldn't be reassuring me, and I am trying to reason it through and not ask for reassurance. I know that it will just feed the monster otherwise.

I am spending a lot of time in bed and crying and I am having terrible dreams and headaches from crying so much. I am so scared of being taken away and locked up for being a bad evil person. I have some trouble with low mood/depression as well so I think this contributes to make me the sorry mess I am right now.

I am on Quetiapine and Clomipramine. They have helped a lot but these flare ups still appear, more than usual in the past year. I have been referred for therapy as I have never had a full course of CBT before just bits here and there. The problem is I cannot see a male therapist (too hard for me, couldn't open up or cope), and they don't have any female therapists who only do CBT full course sort of thing. I might be able to get some CBT mixed with some other sort of talking therapy.

I just feel like I don't deserve any help as I am such a disgusting individual. I feel like I have done this terrible thing and I think if I had to get locked up I would rather die as I would be away from my cat and my home and my family. I couldn't cope. But everyone says this wont happen anyway. But in my head it is all so real. This thing in my head convinces me I am terrible. I don't think I can cope with this for the rest of my life. I am so tired of it all.

Sorry for the long post.

Link to comment

Your ocd sounds a lot like mine.i think its good you have come back on here as it can really help when people understand. We know we havent done these things its just ocd keeps making us think we have.it will pass again although its hard to see that now.this happens to a lot of us.try and remember its ocd and tell the ocd to get lost.reading other peoples posts on here will help you see how convincing ocd is and that that is what it is .

Link to comment

Hi Alice

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time. I have had a very similar theme in the past and it is hell. But the only way through it is to just leave it alone - don't try and work it out, don't analyse it, don't ask for reassurance, nothing. Let the anxiety be there. Not easy but it works given time. Hugs x x

Link to comment

ginger is right. Leave it alone. Probably the one compulsion you do more than any other right now is ruminating. That's going over the subject matter in your head, again and again, and not getting anywhere with it. It's very common with OCD. It's like a hidden compulsion because it seems automatic. But it's not automatic. You can gain control over it and stop yourself from doing it. You do not want to go over this stuff in your head. It does no good. All it does is keeps the subject matter top of mind where it will bother you more.

Let the thoughts that you did something bad pop up in your head and resist the urge to do compulsions. Just let the thought be there. Don't agree with it. Don't disagree with it. Your anxiety will go up but it will come down on its own. The more you do this the better off you will be.

Link to comment
Guest alicebird

Thank you for the kind replies everyone. I am having a less awful day today. Not better but less awful if that makes sense. A bit of crying but less horrifying panic. I think my low mood issues really don't help things. I think if I was generally a happy person it might make it easier to deal with the horrible thoughts (I may be wrong though) but as it is I generally feel so low and sad I just don't have the mental energy to cope well with OCD.

I'm trying to watch some really shallow inane programs (the originals heh) and some reading too. Anything that keeps me thinking about other stuff for a while.

Edited by alicebird
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...