Difficulties

[Cub]

Hello everyone

I'm off to London tomorrow for a convention and probably won't be taking my laptop, so I'll write this now.

I've been struggling a lot this last week - ruminating, what-iffing and going over things. It's been very difficult at work; I walk around a lot during my duties and it just kept going around and around my head. Trouble is I feel I've been clamping down on my thoughts; I've been thinking 'Oh, I can't think this' and 'I can't think that' which is hard when I'm just trying to look for a pleasant daydream to while away the time. I'm very 'hard' on all my thoughts; I think I'm trying to prove a point to myself. Instead, it feels as though my head's been wrapped so tight. I've felt very miserable - put on a smile for customers but haven't been very on the ball. I got so stressed out that I couldn't sleep through the night throughout the weekend and I think my period actually started a few days early because of it. I've felt very tired and sluggish over the last few days and very distracted and I've been worried about my work performance.

I spoke to a colleague with whom I'm friendly about my problems; he was understanding about it although I wonder if telling him was the right thing to do. I just haven't been 'on the ball' with the important stuff; I've been distracted and unhappy and feeling rather haunted; feeling like I'm letting myself down when I've got a great job and lovely new friends and feeling like I let my Mum down when she was alive.

I feel very silly and feel this whole thing is utterly ridiculous; I feel completely irrational and yet I don't know how to stop. I have a mental health assessment coming up next week, referred to by my GP but I'm getting to the stage where I just want to feel better again.

I'm going to be honest; my OCD stems from the fear of certain thoughts that I hate myself for having. I know they are just thoughts but I feel terrible and even though I know I need to live my life, I guess I'm trying to 'wrong a right' by monitoring my own behaviour to the point of obsession and thinking 'Should I try really really hard here?' I just feel I'm looking back; I feel like this is a very bad thing and I'm not allowed to go easy on myself and that I don't deserve to be happy. It's as if when the rumination hits, I go backstage in my mind a bit; I'm analysing everything, wanting to be sure everything is right and I keep doing and doing and doing it. I'm just terrified of the consequences for my much-put-upon mind; I fear a breakdown, I fear my work suffering, I fear being alone, I fear the future. I don't want to slip back.

So yes. I really want to enjoy my trip to London; the convention and so on, but I fear my mind's not quite on it right now because I've been so stressed. My godmother has been a confidante, but I fear this bleeding into my work-life when I know how irrational it all is; it's like it's all just 'rippled' and is haunting me years later and I feel I deserve it.

Thanks for reading this,

Cub x

[PolarBear]

What you've got to do is stop the compulsions. You said you ruminate. You said you ask yourself questions about you can't think this and you can't think that, and you analyze your thoughts. These are all compulsions. All they do is reinforce the obsessions and make matters so much worse in your mind. It's a vicious circle that won't stop until you cut out the compulsions.

[Cub]

Hi PB

Quick reply on mobile: I agree that compulsions need to stop. Stem from uncertainty but maybe I should let myself just be uncertain without trying so hard? Today was a nice distraction and I enjoyed it.

Thanks for the advice and help, as ever. I think what I have been doing is checking my own responses to things; sensation and thought checking, which I understand is under the compulsive spectrum. I guess I just want to get things right and be a good person.

C x

[PolarBear]

Yeah, stop trying to get things right. Live with the uncertainty. That's normal. We live in an uncertain world.

[Cub]

Hello,

Probably best, I thought, to carry on here as I didn't want to start yet another new post.

I had a really cracking weekend at the convention and it really got me away from everything for a bit. I've been very stressed and unhappy over the last week or so, but this was fantastic stuff. I met so many people and felt truly happy, for the first time in a long time.

On my journey home, I began to feel funny again (yes, I know :eyeroll:). But this is a feeling I'm familiar with: I've had it before - feeling anxious and empty, and unable to find anything to satisfy and fill me. I'd had such a busy weekend, but it had kept me going. Right now, I have trouble relaxing I have trouble figuring out what to relax with and so my relaxation time - my breaks at work and so forth - aren't very relaxed at all and I come away quite scatter-brained because I don't know how to get my mind to chill.

This time I made dinner and savoured my food as I ate it; I slowed down and enjoyed the food, rather than bolting it like I sometimes do and focused on the film I was watching; an act of mindfulness, you could say. I've been having a think about what's been upsetting me; I can't deny the guilt is still there, as well as this question of how could God possibly still love someone like me who seems to like worrying all the time and is unable to relax and how can I help myself to just chill in my own skin. I just feel tired and anxious and worn down. I haven't relaxed properly for a time and sometimes it feels my mind is being crushed under the weight of one focus. Just not feeling great and not feeling right.

Anyway, that's where I am. But I've had a really great time this weekend and would like to thank you for your support, PB.

C x