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OCD is killing my relationship


Guest mattd43

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Guest mattd43

Hello,

I'm new to this website. I'm a 21 year old male and I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was about 16. I've struggled mostly with obsessions over the years from harm, to pedophilia, to homosexuality and confessing. I was on medications for a while and that seemed to help, but I've been off them for a good year or so with no noticeable problems.

Well, I have been obsessing about diseases for a month or so, which I am over now. However, I've now moved on to OCD that targets my relationship with my girlfriend. The other day, I started feeling the need to confess to her thoughts I have had about her imperfections. Now these aren't things that I think about frequently, but I feel guilty for thinking about them at all. And so the guilt is frequent. And I've lived with this guilt for a while, thinking everyone thinks things like that, it doesn't mean anything. But the other day, I felt like it I didn't tell her these things I've thought (no matter how briefly) I'm being dishonest with her. That unleashed a barrage of confessions and just udder chaos. Telling her that obviously hurt her. But she was understanding and said everybody thinks things like that, I just analyze them and obsess over them. As long as I didn't have thoughts about her intelligence or personality, she didn't even really care about thoughts on physical appearance. So, the next day I started thinking, have I ever had any negative thoughts about her intelligence? And so I go through the archive of my memories trying to find something. And when I do, no matter how small, I obsess over it and worry I think she is not intelligent. I convince myself of these things, that I believe them. And it hurts her, destroys her. But I don't know what to do...I'm convinced I believe these things now. And then she asks if I even love her, how could I and feel that way. And I know I absolutely do. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but because she asked me, I start doubting.

In addition I worry that I'm attracted to other women. I'm afraid if I see someone in revealing clothing that I will get an erection from sexual arousal. My girlfriend (being as lovely as she is) tells me this is normal and I'm just worrying about it. Then I start worrying I'm attracted to other women. I have a close female friend who I used to have a crush on and I worry I'm attracted to her. She liked me at one point and it's human nature to want people to like you. And because we're close friends sometimes, sometimes my OCD confuses me that I'm attracted to her. And then I'll get intrusive sexual thoughts and they are sexual, so I'm not repulsed. But at the same time, I know I only want and love my girlfriend. Because I'm not repulsed at other thoughts, I worry I'm actually attracted to them and actually want them. That if I could, I would enjoy those thoughts. And I'm terrified I'm going to obsess over these thoughts until I get an erection. I then have to confess all these things to her because of guilt. With the homosexual OCD or pedophile OCD I could note my repulsion at the thoughts and dismiss them as OCD, but with this, it's human nature to like sexual thoughts.

My girlfriend is at her wit's end, bless her heart. Neither of us know what to do, but she still loves me and just wants me happy. I can't keep hurting her like this. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist but that isn't for another month. I just really need some help. I've analyzed so many thoughts and had so many worries that I don't know what to believe any more: whether this is OCD or what I really feel and desire. I know confessing is a compulsion and I shouldn't, but I have so much guilt towards my girlfriend. She is the one I'm most worried about. I told her I would rather us break up than keep hurting her like this, but she says that would hurt more than anything. I'm just really in a corner here...I can't escape my own mind and the rest of my life is suffering as a result. If someone could give me some advice or comfort or related experience...something, I would really appreciate it.

God Bless,

Matt

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Hi matt welcome to the forum. It seems like you are aware of the mistakes you are making. You know you need to stop ruminating stop confessing stop checking. You need to accept all the doubts about you and your girlfriend. You have shown yourself that over thinking has lead to more problems not less. Use this as evidence that the problem is ocd and to be ignored.

Gemma

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Hey Matt. Welcome to the forum.

Yes, confessing is a compulsion. So is analyzing your own thoughts to figure out what they mean. So is going over your thoughts in your head, again and again. That's ruminating. They're all compulsions and they're something you need to start resisting. All they do is keep the thoughts top of mind where they bother you even more.

We've had quite a number of people with relationship obsessions on the forum. Pretty much all of them feel a deep urge to confess to their partner. Unfortunately, it almost always backfires. Your girlfriend just doesn't want to know these things or need to know these things. A lot of confessing can drive a wedge between the two of you and your relationship could be in jeopardy.

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Guest mattd43

Thank you both. I've been trying to confront my fears by allowing myself to think about the girl I'm worried that I'm attracted to. The thing is, when I have sexual thoughts I guess I'm attracted to them. And I suppose that is just because they are sexual thoughts? But as soon as I put a face and personality to that thought, I'm not attracted to it. My girlfriend is the only one that gives me satisfaction. That should tell me something and to an extent it does. But then why am I attracted to these sexual thoughts? Is this something I should feel bad about, or is it just nature as a guy. Because apparently it isn't this person I'm attracted to because when I put a personality to it, I am not attracted to it. I just keep feeling like I'm being unfaithful to my girlfriend. She says that I need to stop confessing to her (and I think she is right) but I don't really know what to do. I'm trying to accept/confront these thoughts and it seems to just be adding fuel to the fire.

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Guest mattd43

And I'm terrified I'm going to get an erection while I'm thinking about these things and I may have already. But they are sexual...that's natural, right? But sometimes my muscles contract, which I feel I have some control over. And when that happens, I feel like I have physically cheated. And I know this all comes from my head, but when it physically manifests itself, I feel terrible.

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Hi Matt

Unfortunately no matter how many times we answer your questions, there will always be more, that's what OCD does. You must must must work at resisting the urge to analyse these thoughts - even if the urge is overwhelming. Just sit with the anxiety, expect it to go crazy in your head,and do NOTHING with it. Eventually it will die down. You don't need answers to these questions - honestly you don't.

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Matt hi,

My OCD targets my relationship as well and is extremely similar to yours. What everyone has said is right. One just needs to resists the compulsion to confess (there's nothing to confess about), and carry on with daily life while one's bonkers OCD mind blabbing away. It's very difficult but it helps - it REALLY does.

I'm also practising the 4 steps from "Brain Lock" and they are really helping. Have you tried them? I'll send you the link in a moment.

You're gonna get through this - you really are.

Love and support,

Gerard

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Guest mattd43

Friends,

This has gotten to the point where I can't think about my relationship or be around my girlfriend without getting so much anxiety that I feel sick. It's gotten to the point where really the only emotion I can feel around her is panic. And so I just feel like I need to be distanced. It doesn't make sense. You can't fall out of love with someone in 4 days. I've just stressed to the point where this is the only way I know how to feel okay. And that is the only thing I can focus on - feeling okay. I am not able to function anymore. And I feel so selfish. And I wish that I could be around her and that everything would be okay like it was. But the only thing I can think of is this anxiety and how I NEED to feel better. I feel like I'm in survival mode. I don't know what to do. I've been trying the 4 steps from Brain Lock, Gerard (I really appreciate it) but to no avail. And my girlfriend is devastated and confused. I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone and so scared and so helpless.

What does this all mean,

Matt

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Your anxiety is up because you are compulsing so much. Compulsing never helps ocd just fools us into believing it will. Have you read 'break free from ocd'? It will help you understand why you feel this way and how to tackle it using erp.

Try to calm yourself with a distraction of some sort firstly and stop analysing.

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Guest Habibmilan21

Hey Matt,

Reading your post made me feel like im reading a short auto biography from my own life. I know exactly what you're going through. I relate to every single word that you have written. I've been going through it now for almost 2 years and its been getting the best of me. let me know how you are at the moment and if you need my insight here or in private. I will be glad to give you some advice on how to tackle some of the issues.

Cheers

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Matt you need to have faith that this is OCD and, just as GingerBreadgirl says, stop acting out on your compulsions. It's dreadfully difficult - I really do understand. But the only way in to the light is to just to allow the terror to be there and NOT compulse.

Believe me, I know what you're going through. But you need to stop listening to the OCd and start listening to the medicine for it.

Step 1: Relabel the terror - This terror is an obsession.

Step 2: Reattribute the obsession - I have this obsession because I have OCD.

Step 3: Refocus on a positive action whilst continuing to experience the obsession.

Step 4: Re-evaluate the obsession - did anything bad happen because of it? Is it based in fact? No - and it is therefore to be disregarded.

Doing this is so, so difficult, Matt, and requires persistent effort and resolve. But it is the way out of hell.

Thinking of you.

Love,

Gx.

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Guest Habibmilan21

It feels like hell. But we can all make it. Its just a test in life that we need to go through. Just find it unfair and i get so jealous when i see people not suffering. However, no one knows what everyone goes through in their own private head.

Goodluck to everyone :)

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