Guilt about the past?

[8thstar]

I feel like I've made my OCD worse than it's ever been lately because I've confessed SO much to my mother as a compulsion in the past week than I've ever confessed to anybody in my life. I don't want to confess anything anymore because I'm fed up of OCD ruling my life.

It's hell right now, each time an obsession dies down I get another flashback from the past and it feels like it's something genuinely important that I need to confess to.

I got a flashback of how my step dad was hugging me on bed once and he was rubbing my hand softly. I remember at the time I felt uncomfortable and left the room when he was sleeping. I can't remember how it happened but as much as I try to tell myself that it's OCD blowing a freaking hug out of proportion and turning it into something sexual as if I've done something immoral behind my mom's back it just makes things worse. Even when I tell myself "You clearly didn't want it, he hugged you, you didn't feel comfortable" my head tries to say "You need to confess that he did this, he did something to you when you didn't want it and she needs to know what kind of man he is." I can't even tell if that type of hug is normal between a step father and child, I think I was quite young? He's been my step dad for soooo many years and he's never done anything wrong and we've been close but I feel like my mind is flagging this type of closeness as something wrong??? I never know if I'm feeling uncomfortable because of OCD or because it's genuinely wrong.

I'm just so stressed out it's killing me that I can't ever tell what's genuine and what is OCD making it seem like a bigger deal than it is Idk what to do each time an obsession comes up. I mean it's like what if something is actually rational but I'm telling myself it's OCD. I'll never know anymore. I just need some help because at this rate I can just tell I'm gonna have to confess ugh.

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

8thstar I can't help you with your specific event but what I do know is I struggle in the same way as you. If you can stop the compulsions you'll see it for what it is in time. That's how I'm trying to live at the moment. You know confessing never satisfies your mind enough so don't do it. I hope you start to feel better soon. Stuck x

[PolarBear]

The fact you are feeling an urge to confess points to OCD. Treat it as OCD. Let the thoughts pop up in your head and don't respond to them. Stay away from ruminating (a big compulsion) and don't confess these kinds of things. Compulsions don't work and confessions tend to make relationships troublesome.

[8thstar]

If you sit with the anxiety and stop yourself from ruminating will the anxiety get less over time? Sometimes I'm not fighting with thoughts but the uncomfortable weight continues to remain in my head. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, it's so tricky to stop attaching importance to everything.

Thanks for the responses

[Guest stuckinmyhead]

Yes that anxiety will remain because your not going over it but sit with it. Over time it will lessen. I'm learning to do that myself and have just had four successful days of no compulsions but instead anxiety and guilt in the back of my mind. So expect that and it will make it easier!

[ACE]

If you sit with the anxiety and stop yourself from ruminating will the anxiety get less over time? Sometimes I'm not fighting with thoughts but the uncomfortable weight continues to remain in my head. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, it's so tricky to stop attaching importance to everything.

Thanks for the responses

Yes indeed gradually it will get less over time for sure, keep trying to resist as difficult it understandably is try to keep resisting because the more you resist & don't give in to the thoughts the better practice you will get&the more it will decrease over time :original: .