Can't take much more....

[daisy]

I really can't cope any more with this so called life, I feel so bad saying it especially when there are people who have terminal illnesse and have so much to live for.

As some of you know I have a son (in a care home) who is very ill, my partner of 13 years has been having an affair, I think it's over the woman told me about it!

We are trying to make a go of things but my partner gets so angry over the slightest things and starts shouting and saying its over and storming off with his bags packed etc!

We were at the hospital yesterday with my son and it's the same one where my dear mum passed away last year (all during this time my partner was seeing her) anyway I said I didn't like being there and he flew in a rage in front of my son and said for us to make our own way back!

I ended up texting him to ask him to come back as my son was very upset and he came back.

We are on holiday att the mo just my partner and myself and we had to move chalets last week now we moved back tonight just until monday.

I am feeling so ill although this is a better chalet I had got used to the last one and now am so worried that we have left somethinhg behind (I would of stayed in the other one as it will take me a couple of days to stop worrying if at all) but I am trying to do things to please my partner!

I am so worn out I have fibromyalgia as well and am sat here on the bed so upset and not able to go to bed as am too frightened!

I am so sorry for this long post but didn't know what else to do I just wish that he would listen to me as he thinks he has done all this for me but I told him I would pof stayed in the other one plus I am not going to want to go home on monday!

He is ok has just dropped off to sleep, he is working tomorrow and I have to face changing keys etc on my own!

I am trying so hard to beat this illness and am getting no where so what is the point of it all!

I am not expecting any replies as no one can help really but thank you to anyone who has read it!

xx

[Guest itsnotmeitsmyocd]

Hiya Daisy,

First things first, i feel that massive hugs are required :group:

Right now you're overwhelmed and i know this situation well. If you can try to ride this out, accept that you're overwhelmed right now and try to have a good sleep. Let's see what tomorrow brings, one thing i do know is that after a good sleep things are always easier to cope with.

It's not for me to say i know, but i find your partner leaving you in the hospital really really unjust. It's absolutely acceptable for you to explain how emotionally hard you were finding being there again. And absolutely normal to find it extremely hard being there again, due to your previous life events at that hospital. Yes it good that he came back and done the right thing but still you must have been beside yourself inbetween then.

Aside from that, actually you done amazingly well going to the hospital in the first place- which can't be easy with contam themes, let alone the actual emotional side. So actually i think that you're being way too hard on yourself about progress.

Make it another strong day tomorrow with the key changing. You can do it, it will not be easy, but you can do it. Show him that you can cope on your own with this one, if possible do not even mention the key changing challenge to him. My mum had fibromyalgia, have you tried very light and gentle yoga to help manage it's symptoms? I know anything physical will be the last thing you feel like /your body feels like doing, but it is proven to help relieve the pain in the long term.

Wishing you a good sleep, and try to be kind to yourself. xx

[daisy]

Hi itsnotmeitsmyocd

Thank you so much for your reply and hugs xx

Unfortunately I feel worse this morning havnt slept much and am worried sick about the other chale where we came out of last night, unfortunately I had to leave the checking to my partner and I keep worrying that he didn't check everywhere in particular behind the fridge I usually ask him to pull it out and check behind but forgot to ask him!

He has said he has done it but really because of his affair especially I don't really trust him.

I am in such a mess in my head am in a rght panic!

I am also worrying about my friends chalet as I went round there and I know he wouldn't of checked everywhere!

I just wish we had stayed in there and not moved, I can either ask someone else who works here to look but that would mean me going round there and usually that makea things worse, or I can just try and ride out the anxiety!

My friends think that because I do go away on holiday then I am doing well, but I certainly don't feel it!

I am already worrying about going home as I don't want to be there either!

I really really am in such a mess I've truly had enough and can't think straight at all im in a full blown panic!

My friends have gone home today and im worried abot their chalet also as I made myself go in there! And I know he wouldn't of checked as he has a disabled son as well so would be concentrating on him!

I've just about had enough of all this!

Xx

[Guest Tricia]

Oh Daisy,

Your partner's behaviour is despicable. I've been through similar (my husband walked out on me and my daughter when she was critically ill). I expect amongst all the many distressing thoughts going through your poor mind, you must be asking how anyone can behave in such a way at such a time. I still ask things like that, but it gets us nowhere. We deserve better.

I don't have the answers to any of it. I still feel, in many ways, you might be better without you partner, but I know you reply on him because of your OCD etc., and, very important also, I know he can be supportive of your son. But, clearly his behaviour is stressing you out and making your OCD (and fibro) worse. I doubt you'd be panicking about what you might have left behind in the other chalet, if he had treated you and your son well. You would probably have niggling distressing thoughts, but with a person who is patient and supportive, I doubt it would have escalated to panic.

Have you tried to focus on the moment? This may be frowned upon, but have you made a list of what you might have left behind and then tried to accept it wouldn't matter that much? I do know how strong that desire to check is, as I am still battling over stupid things like vegetable peelings - fearing something (God knows what) has leapt inside the bag with them. I resist the urge to check now, but it still hasn't cured that obsession.

I know you've just about had enough and I still urge you to seek counselling with your partner when you return home. Just maybe he will be able to view things differently and change his behaviour. xx

Edited October 24, 2014 by Tricia

[Guest sophie13]

Hi, I think Tricia is right... People shouldn't behave like that, really... I send you my hugs too and I hope you'll feel better. I also suffer of pain without cause... sometimes is so bad that brings my down psychologically but I still prefer physical pain that ruminations.

How can men be so stupid? :-) I lived with somebody who was very unsupportive and this made my OCD very bad. My husband doesn't really get it either, but he's a bit better that the partner before him..

[daisy]

Hello Tricia

Thank you so much for your reply, I am sorry to hear of your husbands behaviour.

I also struggle with vegetable peelings, well I did until a while now I haven't a cooker so I am ashamed to admit that I buy ready peeled stuff and use the microwave!

That is a good idea of yours writing a list of things I may of left behind but I am so disorganized that I don't know what I would of had it's mainly money and money tokens I worry about yet I just put them anywhere!

I really really need to be more organized!

I so hate my life well really I wouldn't call it living I'm barely existing I know you are too and I just hope that we all can find help from somewhere.

xx

[daisy]

Hi sophie

Thank you for your reply also, I agree I would far rather put up with my physical pain than this mental torture and stomach churning etc!

Sorry to hear about your former partner, I am glad that your husband is a bit better than him.

Yes I think we need to go to counselling but I'm not sure if my partner will now he just wants it brushed under the carpet so to speak!

Anyway I hope things are not too bad for you and thanks again.

xx