Fear of being left alone with Children. Thoughts?

[Binxy]

Where to start…. My worries used to be around me being in any position where I could do something horrible and have no proof that I had done it. This would include being left in a room on my own with someone (worry that I would cheat) but worse was being left alone with a child (worry that I would do something horrible to the child). The latter was horrible and I have had worries that I did something horrible to my niece when I was left with her (she was a toddler then) as well as friends’ children at various points in the past. In these situations I would have to concentrate really hard so that I could recall exactly what had happened later on and be sure I had done nothing wrong. I’m much better with this now, but I will always have the worry that I did something horrible in my past. My Dad says that I need to trust myself but I struggle so much with this. I even doubt that the way I have described it above is what actually happened and that I’ve not made up a twisted version of the past to cover for these horrible things that I have done. I will never know and this hurts because if I can’t be sure that I haven’t I will assume that I must have. Has anyone got any experience or thoughts on how to handle this?

[PolarBear]

Let it go. Concentrating really hard on what you did or didn't do hasn't worked, has it? You're still concerned over whether anything happened. So stop doing it. Clearly it's not working for you. And it's not going to work for you because it's a compulsion and compulsions don't work. They just reinforce that something is/was wrong and keep the problem top of mind. Shrug it off. Refuse to get drawn into mental debates over whether something happened or not.

[Binxy]

Thanks PB. But I feel really guilty for letting go. It feels like I'm ignoring something horrendous. Sometimes when I run over it I am sure it didn't happen. Other times the memory of doing something feels so real. I'm terrified

[Running Lover]

I'm exactly the same as you. It could have been me writing the post x

[seb79]

I get similar scenarios,even today i got one.

It is horrible and its not fair, but all we can do is move on and keep busy.

I know how you feel, this little voice shouting think of it! Think of it!

Its only yourself who can do it.