Jump to content

New here and so scared


Recommended Posts

Hi, this is the first time I've posted but I've looked at this forum for a couple of days now and all your kind words to each other have encouraged me to come out of the shadows. I've suffered with ocd ever since I can remember but didn't realise until a few years ago that all the horrible thoughts were part of it. I just thought it was mild and I was able to control it, I had rituals which got worse when I was worried about something. My current problem is one I've had many times in the past but not to this severity. I've basically been having an intrusive thought that an online conversation with a friend turned into something more sinister and awful, something that you can get arrested and put in prison for and that I blocked it out at the time and have only just remembered it. I had the same thought about a month ago but I was a bit stronger then and I was able to bat it away without a huge amount of trouble, although it did stress me out for a couple of days. I know it didn't happen but my mind has twisted things so much that its almost got me believing that it did. I know that by the very nature of ocd, I would never be able to simply bury something so bad in my memory because it makes you feel responsible for everything but every time I find a way around it, the ocd just throws down another obstacle. I'm almost scared that if I don't comply with its demands, it'll make it true.

I've had a horrible year, so many things have happened and I've been under a huge amount of stress. I've just been signed off and the GP has put me on Sertraline, I've also just been offered a cbt appointment on Monday and I nearly cried with relief when I found out. Part of the reason I think my mind has been twisting things is that the conversations were with someone who I knew liked me, while I was going through a lot of problems in my relationship, so they were quite flirtatious but I always went with the rule that I wouldn't say anything I wouldn't want my partner to read and I always re read the conversations before I deleted them just in case I'd said something a bit too flirty. My partner and I have now sorted things out and he knows what happened, he also knows I'm going through hell at the moment.

How do I stop feeling like I'm some kind of monster?

Link to comment

hi butterfly lady,

So sorry you are having such a rough time! I don't have the false memory ocd that you describe but I know quite a few others have mentioned it on here so I'm sure you know you are not alone.

As for your question:
'How do I stop feeling like I'm some kind of monster?

You sound like you are on a very good track to getting better. You're in touch with your gp, going on sertraline and about to start cbt. I'm on sertraline, myself, and found that along with cbt and erp it helped loads.

It'll take some time and some hard work but I have confidence that you will get better if you follow up with these steps. Hopefully the forum will give you that little bit of extra support too!

Glad you've come out of the shadows to join in.

Link to comment

Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to know I'm not alone. I know that this one has been partly caused by my guilt of feeling like I was cheating even though my partner has reassured me that I wasn't. It was just a bit of fun and I hate ocd for turning it into something so awful. I feel like ocd and anxiety have literally sucked the fun out of my life by making me worry about everything I hear and do and making me feel responsible for things. I also know if it wasn't this, it'd be something else. A couple of months ago I accused my partner of doing something awful and ocd had me convinced he'd done it even though he kept denying it. Last month it was something else. I just think I was at the end of my tether, depression makes you feel dread and guilt anyway and its like the ocd is feeding it. I'm so fed up of what's going on in my head at the moment.

Link to comment

Welcome to the forum butterfly.

Like with all forms of OCD yours is made up of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are the intrusive thoughts. In your case it's that you did something wrong in that conversation. Your compulsions are likely ruminating, no doubt seeking reassurance from others and possibly confessing.

What you learn through CBT is that compulsions can make you temporarily feel good but they actually feed your obsessions znd make you want to do more compulsions. It can become an endless cycle.

Try your best to identify the compulsions you are doing and try to resist doing them. They do no good and actually make the situation worse.

Good luck with your CBT.

Link to comment

Thanks Polar Bear. I think my compulsion is to think about it again and again and reassure myself it didn't happen. Everytime I find a reassurance, the doubts find another way in. I know that the ocd feeds off of this and that ocd would never have let me forget something so disturbing in the first place yet ocd is telling me its real. Its a vicious circle. It doesn't help that I'm depressed as well, I didn't see it coming, I knew my anxiety and ocd was getting worse, to the point where I'd referred myself for cbt a couple of months ago and was on the waiting list. Fortunately, that's now come up.

I can be ok for a bit then the thought will come back. Does anyone have any strategies for batting them away?

Link to comment

Thanks Gemma. Funny you should say that, I'm currently reading it. Up to chapter 2 and it does explain a lot. I think part of the problem is that I'm a perfectionist, I don't do making mistakes and here is a prime example of where I went off the rails a bit. Flirting outrageously with someone else made me, in my eyes at least, not perfect and now those memories have been clouded by the ocd to mean something far worse. Even though ocd would never have let me forget it. I'm trying my best to stop ruminating about it at the moment.

Link to comment

Thanks Gemma. Funny you should say that, I'm currently reading it. Up to chapter 2 and it does explain a lot. I think part of the problem is that I'm a perfectionist, I don't do making mistakes and here is a prime example of where I went off the rails a bit. Flirting outrageously with someone else made me, in my eyes at least, not perfect and now those memories have been clouded by the ocd to mean something far worse. Even though ocd would never have let me forget it. I'm trying my best to stop ruminating about it at the moment.

I am glad you have it and hopefully you will find it helpful. I think blame, guilt, responsibility and perfectionism all combine a differing amount and make us appraise a thought incorrectly. The book helps us look at those appraisals and questions if you could look at things differently. Good luck with your cbt appointment on Monday :original:

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...