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New Parents - help needed


Guest madmoonspaniel

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Guest madmoonspaniel

Hi my partner and I have a five month old baby. Around 6 months into my pregnancy my partner (OCD sufferer for many years) began to fear fatherhood and OCD became much worse.I know he is trying but I am not getting the support from him that I need. Baby is now teething and I'm hardly sleeping at all. I have to return to work in about 3 months as he is unwilling to offer me any financial support (maybe a symptom!?) and I'm afraid I'll be unable to cope without greater support or at least better communication from him. I just mentioned that I would need more help and he almost bit my head off. He's very well off so could arrange for some paid help but I'm sure he won't.I want to help but I'm struggling to look after myself and baby as it is. Can anyone help me?

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Hi madmoonspaniel,

:welcome:

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a rough patch, especially as a new mother, but congratulations on becoming a mum anyway :original:

It's sounds as though you partner is struggling within himself with his OCD, but there is no need for him to take it out on you or to suffer alone.

Has he been to see a GP about his OCD? If not, he really should. It may feel daunting, but these services are there to provide support. Personally, I never told my GP about what thoughts were going through my head, just that I felt depression, couldn't sleep & wanted to self harm. My GP referred me to a therapist, once there I told them everything, expecting them to thing I was nuts, but they were really unfazed (lets face it, they've heard it all before & understand the patterns), needless to say, it makes all the difference.

Maybe directing him to this website may be a help?

Regards

Symps

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Guest madmoonspaniel

Thank you Symps. Yes, he has been in touch with GP and has been referred to the LIFT service for counselling. He has previously undergone CBT and feels that no more can be done for him there so is left to his own devices which means reading the internet which is both good and bad. He does use this site too. I wonder if anyone on the forum has any thoughts on next steps / other options which may be of help. He resists the option of medication which is fair enough but wonder if things will ever improve without further help of some kind. I feel as though I'm being a by heartless now but have our daughter to think about as well now.

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Guest Sally44

Are you living together?

I don't understand how OCD could be the cause of his refusal to offer financial support. He is the father. He must provide for his child. I would ask him about that one.

OCD has a number of common themes. His current OCD 'maybe' about a fear of harming the baby in some way.

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Guest madmoonspaniel

Yes, we live together. It's more that he will not contribute more than exactly 50% so I must return to work soon to be able to afford the other 50% of everything for baby and household and support myself. I have always paid my share and not trying dodge that but given the circumstances it may be a lot harder for me to manage everything at home and return to work because his OCD means there's stuff he can't do and he spends quite a lot of time on hobbies to keep his endorphins up, which I understand. I am trying to get him to fund a cleaner but not sure he will be willing if I can't pay half!

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Guest legend

im happy to chat with him if needed :)

Because cbt didnt work in the past , that doesnt mean it wont work at all, and he should give it another bash !!

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Sometimes OCD is used as an excuse for really bad behaviour and all the sufferers on here will tell you that just isn't acceptable. Families end up feeling as though they are walking on eggshells anyway and occasionally we have to take the bull by the horns and tell them how things will be and not the other way around. Look at this from an outsider's point of view, you have always paid 50% of everything even though you say he is very well off, presumably you both wanted a child, which you are now looking after more or less by yourself, he still refuses to pay more than 50% of everything and spends a lot of time on hobbies to keep his endorphins up (I wonder if that is making any difference or just an excuse to do his own thing!). So when you go back to work is he going to take up full time child care?

You are obviously an amazing support to him, now mother of his child and he needs to step up, recognise that and start paying for 100% of everything, including the help you need if he can't or won't give it!

I know this sounds tough and it is only my personal opinion, but if your partner's OCD is preventing him helping, he must do everything he can to tackle his OCD, afterall he has years and years of bringing up your baby ahead of him and in the meantime must provide you with the support you need.

Do you get any time to yourself?

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