Hate my brain

[megz150]

I planned to sit in my room tomorrow evening and write a load of rambling mess on this forum because I feel dangerous, confused and like my world will come crumbling down through what I say, do, falsely believe and imply. Then I realised I had to break away at some point. Wanting to write a huge rambling message to get reassurance is just plain OCD. So I'm going to write it now (not schedule it in for tomorrow like a to do list) and keep it so so simple to a couple of sentences:

I feel confused, I feel I'm lying that I'm confused, I feel I want to say bad about my dad, I want to believe bad about him, I worry I do sometimes believe he's said wrong or done wrong. At the same time I know full well he hasn't. I feel I have no idea how to judge what's normal, Innoncent, ok, 'human', wrong, bad. I worry that I think everything is bad when it isn't. And vice versa sometimes I worry I think everything's ok when it isn't
(I might think I think like this but probs total opposite). Although I also think I know things aren't wrong or bad and I'm not saying and implying bad but I'm jsut scared to believe I'm saying and doing nothing wrong. I feel I justify things when they are not even true. I feel so confused about things that- even just in what I'm writing now- I strongly feel I'm putting dad in a bad light and basically saying and implying he has done or said wrong. Am I? Cos it's like on one hand I feel I am too scared to believe he's never said or done wrong- not because he's likely to have (he isn't at all) but because I never want a reason to say or imply and believe bad about him. And on one hand I know he's the loveliest man in the world and has never said or done wrong (even now I'm getting thoughts like "he must have done somethitn. Come on? He's only human. Surely he's said or done something inappropriate")

I'm so scared of myself and how dangerous I am because I am so messed up, god knows what I'm believing saying and implying. I hate myself.

Explaining my OCD- to others or just in my head, I use phrases like 'I feel I pick up on things', 'I always think my thoughts are rarely just thoughts and that they've stemmed from something', 'I feeligs there's something in everything', 'I feel I can convince myself of anything', 'the more u analyse the more doubt u introduce', 'I read too much into things', 'i turn Innoncent things into sinisterand I'm just so scared that I don't understand what these phrases mean and I'm using them, I might be using them for relationship OCD with bfs as oppose to fears about dad, I feel I know what they mean but am using them to try and implixate bad about dad etc.

I'm going to stop now because I feel very stressed and writing is not helping as all I'm worried about now is 'what the hell have I written? Said? Implied? Oh god I truly feel I am just implicating, beig sneaky, dangerous, horrible, saying and implying bad about dad.
Especially when I feel I kind of want to do this. And part of me feels I believe he's done or said bad. But I don't!! I think often I get thoughts out of thin air, I read into things way too much (meaning?!?! Does this imply he's done/said bad but maybe not THAT bad? He hasn't, and I turn Innoncent things into sinister- just like last point. I worry that he says Innoncent things, totally not sinister or Pervy or anything but I think 'hmm that's not on. That's weird. Even tho innocent it seems Pervy, it's wrong' just because my mind Is screwed. But now I'm scared that I'm trying to make u think he has said inappropriate things when he hasnt at all. He is so not Pervy and so Innoncent. I just worry whether he might or might have said things that are maybe the slightest bit inappropriate but just in such a lighthearted jokey way and is just 'being human' (not human as in sexual instincts- I'm not saying it's ok and just human to be Pervy or anything but as in just to make the odd slight silly commet that might make them think 'that was teensiest bit inappropriate' but it was absolutely nothing. Now I'm petrified because I think part of me is trying to make it so clear that he's done and said nothing wrong, part of me wants ambiguity or doesn't mean to be ambiguous but is full of confusion and wants reassurance and part of me wants to say and imply he has so that ppl will see I'm dangerous and confused (am I confused or not?!) and believe I do have a reaodn to worry about what I'll say and imply because I do have a reason to say and imply.

I worry I use wrong phrases all the time. I worry what I mean by 'saying' and 'implying'. I wrote about '...because I do have a reason to imply' but imply means to implicate soemthing not true doesn't it?! Something can't be true and u 'jmplicate' that it's true can it? Imply means to imply false. I wanna get these words so right as otherwise they could aid me in saying wrong and Stuff I don't mean to say (not as in I'm hiding something, jsut as in false stuff that I don't want to say obv) even now I'm thinking 'am I trying to imply I'm hiding something? If I used the word 'imply' with reference to saying something true, no one would trust when I then use 'to imply' again as they'd think I meant something true when I don't maybe?! :/

Words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


I wrote this to dad the other day: 'Even now I feel all iv done is make it seem I believe you've said and done wrong when I don't at all (see now I get this niggling thought. Maybe u do slightly tho megan? Remember sometimes he can make crude jokey comments? Are they ever aimed at u? Or just tv and mum and other ppl? What what what? Am I even making this up?) thing is I know whole heatedly you have never done or said anything which isn't Innoncent towards me. I just hate the thought that I could ever believe and say and about u!'. These jokey comments are the only thing my
OCD can cling on to but I can't even remember what comments exactly, how crude, wether any aimed at me (obv would be so jokey) or whether aimed at me but as tho from another persons perspective, I dunno. I really can't remember. All I know is he's absolutely not Pervy or a crude person. He's just silly and sarcastic and comes out wih the odd crude thing occasionally. It kills me what I'm implying here though. Is it bad? Making crude type comments! I mean they can be slightly inappropriate to say with the family but he is so jsut being silly so it doesn't make him bad at all does it? He's such a good man but I feel writing this is making him seem bad! And the fact I'm pushing for u to see he's good night make u think I think he's bad. He absolutely isn't. He probably makes a silly comment once in a blue moon. But it's almost like I want so badly to just say he has and make up something, so I can accept I'm dangerous, and get reassurance from you that despite 'saying that' he's not bad. But he isn't in any way shape or form. And I have absolutely no reason to say to someone 'he makes weird inappropriate comments' because it's completely innocent and I can't even remember what is an example. It's not bad at all it is? What does weird mean? Maybe I'll think 'I can say weird cos ppl won't know what I mean by hat really'. What if I said Pervy? Some ppl use Pervy in a really lighthearted jokey way. It's not a jokey word tho is it? What if dad has ever make a 'pervyish comment' but it's just so jokey or sarcastic or speaking from someone else's pov?!thats not bad is it? Is it Pervy? Omg I feel all iv done here is say and imply bad about my dad. ****!!!!!
I'm sweating so much now! Is Pervy a bad word?! Can it be light hearted?! I don't even ****** know what Pervy means exactly!! It's like I'm desperate to portray dad as Pervy when I'm not!!! I just never want a reason to say or imply he is and I just simply never want to say or imply that he is because he isn't. If he's ever said something the tiniest but inappropriate it'll be so innocent and so just nothing. U believe me, right? It's true! But I'm convinced I'm trying to make u think it's not true!!! I'm going to shut up now and go to sleep. I hate myself. I am such a danger. Do I deserve to hate myself? What do u make of all this? Oh god, I know I can't write anymore but I am petrified about what iv written and even saying that makes it seem like iv got a reason to say bad about dad but am trying not to say it. I kind of feel I am hiding not saying bad, only based on these jokey comments but they are jsut totally jokey and I'm making it sound like they are so crude and often- not the case at all. This is the only thing I feel I'm 'hiding' and don't want to say and put dad in bad light but iv explained I can't even think of an extol and explained that it's absolute innocent **** not worth bringing up at all it's just I have OCD so I bring everything and anything up! I think I feel I can remember examples as I have thoughts running around my head and maybe I feel that's what I have to 'hide' but I don't have examples and if I do, it only FEELS like they're bad- they are innocent and nothingness. Hut going on and on and on makes it seem like something!!!! What if I do make out I have things to hide so it seems like sinister stuffs been said and done when all it is is stuff like this- absolute innocent nonsense, ts jsut my OCD making everything feel bad?! Wow I'm a danger to myself and others!

I feel like I speak according to my OCD thoughts- as in feel I speak as thought they're real/true when they are wholly not or have very little truth to them, or are real but totally totally innocent And not what I'm making it out to be in my head. Earlier I said to mum 'where's dad?' And she said 'gone to witney before playing squash' and I said 'he's not playing squash' and don't know why I said it?! Maybe cos he doesn't normally play on a weds. But When mum says stuff about dad I often get OCD false thought 'did he come in my room and tell me that himself? Either being flirty or just innocently telling me? Am I gonna implicate he has come in my room and told me? Maybe he has? Just totally innocently popped his head in and said, for example 'want anythint from coop?' But me saying 'he told me he going to coop earlier' might make someone think 'oh, when? But weird if he went in your room to tell you when he going'. Even if I didn't say he came in room and told me they might think 'when did he tell u? You've been upstairs all evening'. I'm just so worried what I believe, say and imply. I'm petrified right now what I'm saying to you because I can tell I'm rambling and feel so messed up but feel I'm pretending to be messed up. Mum would never ever believe dads done wrong cos he's never done or said bad at all. Even if implying he came in room to tell me or ask me something didn't make anyone think anything wrong, I'd still be distraught for wanting to implicate it and be upset thinking 'do I believe he did? Am I that dangerous?' I feel I say things to test how dangerous I am. Mum has said a few things like 'dads gone to such and such' or 'dad said we should all go out for dinner tonight' and I feel I always say or imply that I already knew and then I struggle to work out whether I did, how I knew, what this said and implied, what I was falsely believing etc etc. obv he's not said or done anything wrong or bad but then I think what does 'weird' mean? If he text me to say shall we all go for dinner or came in room to say he just going to go to coop,
Is that 'weird'? In a lighthearted way? Can weird be lighthearted? And I petrify myself that I don't know what weird means and I'm dangerous and will imply stuff and now I'm worried cos I'm thinking 'shut up megan, u know what weird means' u just want to be able to implicate bad false things and get away with it! I just worry about everything I say completely!! I feel so messed up and so dangerous and like my life is gonna come crashing down on me because of myself.
I got annoyed Witt a woman at work the other day cos she was saying another employee was a bitch. But I told my friend that I had little arguement with her and stormed out cos of it and I almost went to say it was over her backing up animal cruelty. Only because these thoughts had been in my head like jsut imagining myself storming out because she agreeing with animal cruelty because once she said it's cos of 'cultural' differences. But it's like now I'm thinking 'did I get angry and say I'm going to have breakfast at my desk like I told someone people? Did she mention animals then too? (I told some ppl it was over this) and now I feel confused and doubtful like it might have been the case but it wasn't- I'm getting it all muddled, or pretending to get t all muddled.
I was speaking about a work colleague who's been a bit nasty about another and mum said 'we'll she can be a bit cutting can't she' and I said 'well, I think she's like it with her children (panic mode- what am I implying? Did mum say something like she's 'abused' this other colleague like meaning verbally and I've said 'well, I think she's like it with her children'?? I went onto say 'when they get exam results she just asks who got top in class'. I hope I didn't say or imply that this was abusive. Is it even? What does abusive refer to? Now im worried I'm trying to implicate that I don't know what it means so you'll think 'maybe her dad had been abusive to her, she just doesn't realise'. He hadn't in any way. What if mum meant she's been physically abuisve to colleague- that she has and then I said 'well I think she like it with her children'. That would implicate awful things!! :-( unless I tell myself 'I just means she fattens them up with food' or something to let myself off the hook (not that she does, they slim).

I write things like this on my phone all the time and can't cope with the OCD thoughts if I don't. I need to stop writing all thoughts and things down on ohone!!
Ah mum
Just said 'it's horrible atm, all our money tied up in houses' and I said 'you've got no money. U must have. Dad must have some' and she said 'no' and I raised eyebrows, like as if to say 'I know he has. Now worrying 'what was I say and implying? Had he told me something about money situation? Don't think so. Nothing bad, nothing sneaky or anything. I'm thinking did he come jn my room to mention they hard up with a few houses not sold yet?' He probably hasn't at all. Ah I hate my mind.i was gonna write 'what did I mean by this?' But panicked. What does 'mean' actually mean?! What I believe to be true or what you want that person to think is true? Does 'meaning' something define whether that thing is true or false?' I just never wanna use wrong words or phrases for things and end up saying and implying stuff I don't want to


'Door open when u went went'. Mum said. 'When I went bed?' I asked, Trying to think who went bed last last night. I went same time as parents. 'No dad, when he went work sorry'. 'Oh' I said but just worrying what I was thinking, gonna say, was I gonna say he came up to bed same time as me? Because he did? Or because I wanted to implicate something?. I was thinking 'door wasn't open' but I dunno whether it was or not. I went to work before dad. Was she saying I left it open? Did I imply or suggest maybe dad went outside after we all went to bed?! He didn't. Have I actually convinced myself he is, like thinking 'oh I did hear the odd sound outside- maybe it wasn't a bird or general sounds, maybe it was dad' it wasn't!!!! Ahhh as far as I know it wasn't anyway. Ah I hate myself for having this brain







I'll see what they've said- sar and char (forgot to mention I told then about date)
I hope work don't end up beig nasty to me. Why would they? No they wouldn't or no they have no reason to.
I also write a lot of OCD stuff on phone and I'm worried mum sees and I don't care :/
Dad just said he's going to bed so I quickly wrote 'dad said he going bed and I just said oh' just so I can't convince myself I said bad. But if she saw that it could see really bad?! Altho she knows I write OCD stuff on ohone, I think :-(
Me and mum just turned lights off as dad went to bed 10 mins before and went to walk upstairs and quickly turned around and went to say 'oh I thought dad behind me then' but panicked cos he wasn't and I didn't want to say or imply anything. But did I believe he was? Or actually thought he might be? Why? Because of all the OCD **** in my head? Did I see a shadow and think it a person? as the only other person in house was dad obv or did I convince myself it was dad or a persons shadow when it quote clearly wasn't. What what?! It's like children when scared of dark, why do they always think they see shadows of monsters?! Why does my brain such so much. I was gonna say monsters or ppl but didn't want to imply I meant paedophiles or make u think 'oh she obv had ppl go in her room when she little- sinister?' I never had anyone in my room and nothing sinister ever ever. But I just trying to think what kids think they see, so like monsters, burglars, bad people' but obv it not true at all. I'm sure I used to doubt whether I could see or hear monsters or burglars or unwanted ppl in my room like strangers (not parents), altho I guess it could scare me if parents just wandered in my room but I wouldn't think anything sinister?! Or would I? No course not megan! Might make me jump if I was asleep. What if it was dad that came in? Depends what she I guess- toddler, primary school. But they've never come in my room so what the hell am I on about! Maybe I genuinely want u to think they have or he has? Anyway iv had OCD since I was a child I'm sure- def when I was about 13, so maybe my thoughts are of a sinister danger because of OCD and not because that's the reality but maybe being so young I couldn't fathom that it was OCD as I didn't know I had it. So what if I got a worry that dad coming in room at night and for sinister reason? But I have believed it? Maybe he did come in my room for absolutely Innoncent reason- either I was young like toddler so he's come to see me and check on me or like I used to cry in bed cos scared of being burrows alive so maybe he'd check I ok or check cos he knew I had aometting wrong (OCD) I dunno I'm just making up stuff here. I did used to be scared of laying on side but think that's cos of a film I watched when young where a man was killing children is sleep. But is it cos dad innoncently look over me in sleep? 'See I think no he didn't! Then think? Maybe I remember him once doing this? Maybe I was poorly or crying about being buried alive?' But I think I'm either making stuff up or making the most Innoncent of things seem like more. But see how dangerous I am?! I seem to convince myself of everything !!! I don't know what to do with my brain. I want have a good life and not be petrified of my words and actions (see that makes it seem like I have reason to say and act bad- I don't!!!!! And by actions I mean acting like dads done wrong or said wrong but he hasn't!! I best not think he has!!!!! I need to just shut up now!! Oh god what the hell am I writing? I pray I'm not saying and implying bad about dad but I feel I am and hat it's inevitable- not cos true but cos I'm mental!
What if I say to mum 'my OCD bad'?? What would that say, imply? What do I mean? Believe? What does 'mean' mean?!?!?!
Iv woken up feeling so so dangerous!
What if I say 'can dad take me to work' cos I wanna write this to u guys?!?! That would sound so bad. Unless I want mum to think I'm dangerous and that I want to entice dad or iv convinced myself I like him more than just a normal dad daughter thing?!!!ahhh maybe I want her to think that because I wana test myself- to see how dangerous I can be and implicative I can be?! Dad works near me but he only ever takes me in if mum needs to pick me up from work to take to dentist (got brace) so it would be weird if I asked him to take me in. No need for it.
I just feel everything I'm saying is dangerous and I can't bare another day of panicking and feeling dangerous :-(
Iv got a headache. What if I go to work and take them and say 'not feeling too good' and then proceed to say somethitn negative about dad- either straight away, few mins later, few hours later. My negative I mean either make something up or just something like 'he's annoying me' to test myself to see how bad I am. He's not annoying me but I could easily convince myself he his. Of course, sometimes like all parents,
He annoys me. And vice versa I'm sure. He annoys me when he isn't compassionate when I'm low about OCD or my ex bf. see it's like I'm convincing myself he is annoying me today so I feel likely to say it! I feel so angry against the world today anyway because of ocd. Maybe I will say I'm down cos of dad because I'm down about OCD and my OCD mostly revolves around dad?!?!?! ? hope not!!!
Please help
I'm so moody and wanna cry. What if mum asks what's wrong and I say nothing or it doesn't matter and am testing to see what she thinks?!?! Saying it doesn't matter makes it seem like something's true as oppose to it just being OCD worries and thoights!!!! Ah
Mum said u ok and I said 'tired, don't feel well' and she said u look really well and I said 'do I?' And pulled a face like yeah right. When she mentioning dad in any way I look at her and it's like I wanna cry and I sort of look at her and she must be Thinkig 'what's megan trying to say?' :-( I'm so scared.
And I was writing this part while she helping me with hair so I'm eorried she saw!
I just want to be able to decipher things for myself and be normal rather jan keep writing stuff. I want to be well and not dangerous!!
Feel like I'm so horrible to dad as well. I worry when I'm really in this OCD mode- I'm implicating things all the time as tho I believe my OCD thoughts!! If I'm upset about OCD- doesn't this implicate that I believe all my thoughts? I def believe I'm saying and implying but don't believe dad has said or done anything wrong. I pray I don't believe he has cos he just hasn't.
I really believe I'm saying and implying stuff this morning and if I am I want to be able to sort it out on my own and know what to do about it, not needing reassurance !!
I'm so scared as well that I say stuff like 'he's annoying me' or 'I'm annoyed with him' and not making clear whether I mean dad or ex. And I'm not annoyed with dad but Maybr I am cos I'm upset with OCD and OCD revolves around him. May sometimes I believe my thoughts about him and so I don't like him?! Or I'm just testing myself to see what it seems like I'mSaying? Or maybe I am annoyed withh him for some silly normal reason? Or because he not compassionate about me being down about OCD? (Not because he's guilty of anything but he can't bare to see me upset about things that aren't real and are just in my head. As he said OCD is an anxiety problem- doubts and thoughts. Not real) and I know he's right. I pray I don't doubt him. As he says 'OCD wants me to think things are bad when nothing is bad'- something along the lines if that anyway.)Things r either completely false or totally not as bad as I think. But he for sure has never done or said anything wrong, I know this. Or cos he's being sarcastic and jokey and I'm not in the mood.
Hate myself

[megz150]

What am I gonna say if friends at work say 'u ok? U don't look great' cos I feel full of anxiety. What if I want to imply something bad has happened to justify why I look so awful so I go to cry and say 'doesn't matter' or 'nevermind' or something which would make people think the worst?! Unless I hope ppl think it's about ex. Don't think iv told anyone at work I have OCD. Just 'anxiety'. Will I say 'it's nothing' to test muself. ?

My work friend just came over while I writing this and said 'oh we missed getting coffee together and I turned round and pulled a crying face and groaned then laughed. Did she see what I wrote? Did I say something according to what I'm writing? Did I go to cry? Would she think it's to do with whatever I'm writing? What would she think? She would know rant cos I missed coffee. I wanna cry

[megz150]

Praying she didn't see any of what I'm wroting. Hope mum doesn't either! Even tho she understand I have OCD

[megz150]

Need to meet colleague somewhere in high st and was gonna ring mum at dads office to ask how to get there but didn't cos scared if make out I was ringing for dad but decided to speak to mum instead- either ringing to ask him for directions or something else. I don't wanna go 'oh, um go' to imply I'm shocked mum pick up ohkne as I wanted dad or something. And what if I made joke that I ring him a lot- maybe knowing I joking, wanting her to think I'm not or convinced myself I do. I worry that she'd say 'no u don't' and I'd be like 'ye I do ye I do' keep repeating with a smirk. Testing to see what she'd believe, what I believed and what I'm trying to say and implixate. If I say 'testing to see what I mean' does 'mean' mean what u want to say- regardless of whether it true or false. If u 'mean' something it doesn't mean it's true does it? Or does it mean u think it's true (the person who's saying it?) oh god I don't understand!!!!

[megz150]

Does it mean what u want others to believe is true? 'Mean' doesn't specify whether true or false does it? Even asking these questions I'm wondering what the hell I'm saying and implicating!! I'm writing this frantically in a traffic jam! I feel

So messed up and dangerous.

[megz150]

It's like I want to say and imply bad so I can prove I'm a bad dangerous person. I'm not tho. And prove implies that I am but I'm not. I pray I'm not saying and implying things about dad. He's never done or said anything bad, wrong, weird! And I do not want to say or imply that he has. Though I feel I'm saying wrong constantly and not wording things correctly at all

[megz150]

In toilets at work this random girl walked to toilet while I sorting out face and I picked eyeliner from corners of eyes as if I wanted it to seem like I'm crying. I want to cry. And I was so tempted to say 'sorry' or 'can I speak to u, oh nevermind' or something. I'm at the point where I am not sure whether I did or not?! I'm so so scared. Please tell me what to do

[Guest ocdgirl]

Hi Megz, I'm sorry you're having a bad time. I can't read all your posts right now as I'm at work, but is there anything you can do to take your mind off things? Maybe give yourself a break and say to yourself you'll come back to it later on

[megz150]

Could u have a look at them after work? Dw about reading it all at all. Just some. Sorry to be a burden. Really struggling and sure I'm gonna say and imply wrong cos I feel so mixed up and it's like I want to hurt myself by saying and implicating

[Ascend]

Have you tried to implement any of the advice you have received in the past Megan?

[megz150]

The main thing I want to control is to be able to deal with it myself, without feeling like I can never face the world again, if I did say or imply wrong. Because when I ask for reassurance on here or from parents I always write it because I am so absolutely petrified of wording things wrong, getting confused etc and saying and implying wrong. It's not like a can look back at a convo I've had out loud- not easily at all anyway. Everytime I write something I feel I'm wording things wrong etc etc. I start to think 'what do I want to say and imply? Do I even know? If I am simply making it clear dads never done or said anything wrong then me saying 'I feel I'm saying and implying wrong' will suggest 'wrong' to me is to NOT be saying dads done or said wrong. But this isn't the case. He genuinely has never done or said wrong. I just do FEEL like I'm writing that he has and I don't want to do that.

[megz150]

I feel so messed up. I don't trust myself, I can't fathom anything out, I feel so anxious and dangerous

[Ascend]

Well if you're not going to listen to advice how can we help you?

[PolarBear]

I agree with Ascend. You're not listening to any advice given but continue to write these long posts, which appear to be a compulsion that needs to stop.

[megz150]

Iv just been away for 2 nights with mum and am absolutely exhausted from how bad my OCD has been. I didn't want to ruin anything for mum so iv text my dad a few times for reassurance and also been writing so much OCD stuff on 'notes' section of mobile to reassure myself (not good, I know). Iv barely been listening to mums conversation and been so rigid with fear that I'm saying and implying bad and iv been on verge of crying a lot. She may have seen me writing to dad and I feel I kept testing myself to see if I was implicating that something of an unnatural relationship is going on with me and dad. Then I think 'maybe I did because obv to implicate anything sexual would be a lie, but it is unnatural in that we're not close because I don't like to as it brings on OCD fears, and I'm constantly telling him I'm worried I'm saying and implying stuff. So I'm scared that I justify being able to imply it's unnatural or tell myself 'mum will think I mean this as oppose to anything sexual'. I feel I'm testing myself with stuff like this constantly. I'd text him then sigh and stuff and at one point I text him and think mum saw, then I thought about my ex bf and said 'god he's a creep', almost to test myself I think- to test who I was referring to, what I believed and what I was implicating. I think I said things like mum would say 'what do u think?' About clothes I was trying on, and id say 'I don't know what I think!' But referring to OCD, which is so dangerous if that's what I think, feel and say. But I am very messed up. But I would never want you or my parents to say 'it's ok that you've said stuff cos it's OCD trying to make u think stuff and it confuses u'- this is not ok and I pray it won't be your response. I did say to mum when got home 'promise everything's ok with OCD? Promise nothing's bad?' And I feel so dangerous. What on earth am I saying, meaning, implying? I want to be able to judge all this for myself. Know when to let go and pass off as OCD, know whether I'm dangerous or not (I think I am because OCD makes u doubt and that is not good) and I think when I am so consumed I am confused and I speak accordingly to the thoughts in my head as if they're true. I always get caught up also because there always an answer. So if I'm confused about what iv said, I think 'al u need is a few mins to think about it quickly so do it'. It's responsible.

I feel because I'm so messed up, I see bad in everything (and to show how dangerous I am- I'm not even sure what I mean by that? Am I saying it like there is bad to be seen? I pick up on bad stuff? Or I see bad when there's no bad or there's potential for bad. What does that even mean? There's potential for bad in everything isn't there? Or in every situation if u tried hard enough to see how bad could happen, u could. Not that the situations bad?' I know I don't see bad in everything. I either make up stuff in head or turn innocent things into bad- but it's so easy by rambling and obsessing and being consumed to word it all wrong or believe the wrong phrase/wording is correct when it isn't. And I think I purposely word things wrong to test myself and 'prove' I'm dangerous. I don't know. I just feel so dumb, dangerous, consumed and like I just find life so difficult. A pretty girl walked in restaurant earlier and dad out napkin on his lap ready for dinner but straight away I thought 'perv joking about covering his willy cos of pretty girl' and I pulled a face at him as if to suggest that's why he did it' but he didn't do that. Is this me seeing bad in everything? As tho there's bad to be seen? What do I mean 'as tho there's bad to be seen? There isn't bad to be seen. Or was that my Thinkig- 'that there was bad to be seen' ? Blimey, I feel so dangerous- like the only way to cope is to become a mute. How can I hide things correctly- when to let go and pass off as OCD, when to be upset with myself. So that I'm not ruining my life in the process and can actually manage to do 'normal life' things? Do u think I'm dangerous?

[battlethrough]

I get the same with everything,it twists anything normal into something grim,be it what people say, animals,my parents,beautiful wildlife,its a theif ocd,it steals so much enjoment from us

[megz150]

I also feel I get confused abot what others r saying because my OCD gets in the way and twists what they've said in my head/makes it up/finds bad in it or more like potential bad, looks for bad. Can someone please tell me what it actually means to say 'potentially bad'- it actually suggests that something might be bad doesn't it?! As oppose to just simply having the potential to be bad. Like if dad said to me 'are u tired?', does potentially mean he might be saying it as A way of seeing if I'm up for sleeping with him or means it could have that meaning but doesn't at all but everything has the potential to ymean something else/bad or good, but it's just a potential and in no way the truth? But then potential does mean it's a possibility, right? But it's not cos he would never ever saying something like this- serious or joking and would never see me like this. But then everything has the possibility to be wrong, right? But that's not saying it is wrong in any way beacause it's not- all he'd have said is 'r u tired?' And meant nothing weird or bad or anything. How can I be so confused about what potential means? I feel all I've done here is say and imply wrong about my lovely dad!! Have I? Can someone please clear this up about 'potential' before I use the phrase wrong any more!

Please tell me I'm not as screwed up as I think. And not as dangerous and implicative? Please x

[battlethrough]

No I dont think your dangerous,i think you have ocd analizeing an working overtime,what are you doing to try to resist compulsions,mental, physical

[Saffie]

megz you have to realise that if you want this mental torment to stop, you will have to face your fears. This obsessive ruminating compulsions is going to keep going on and on until you make a decision to stop them. Tell yourself that mayb your fears have the potential to be true, and you will live with that. Whatever 'reality' is real, you will not find it out through obsessing. You will only see things clearly through exposure and acceptance. Accept your doubts, accept you are uncertain and live in spite of the anxiety and fear. It will start to reduce. Relying on writing out your compulsions is making you ill.

[PolarBear]

Megz, you're doing it again. You come on here and post a long winded confession. You get advice, which you ignore, but you ask for reassurance. Then you post some more.

We can't help you if you are unwilling to listen.

[Caramoole]

Megz, what are you trying to do to make changes?

[megz150]

I am willing to listen. I promise. I'll go through all these comments after work and I'll listen. I promise.

It's like if someone is scared to get HIV and they see a red dot which is from a marker pen, is it that in their eyes there is a 'potential' danger? Or there is a potential danger beacause it COULD be blood but it's just it isn't. If answering this isn't relevant- then don't but please please give me advise. I will read it all tonight and take it in x

[megz150]

If dad says 'are u tired?' And I say this is 'potentially' bad but isn't, this implies that he had weird feelings towards me so could well be saying it like'if you're tired, let's go up to bed together'. When he would never ever think, feel or say anything like this. What I mean is I wrongly see bad in stuff when there isn't bad to be seen/found. I just twist all Innoncent things. But I know iv explained these thoughts to mum and dad and said it all wrong, basically saying 'it all does have potential to be bad'. This is me using wrong phrasing isn't it? This implies there's bad to be seen and that dad could have meant it in a sexual way. I don't know what to do with myself for the fact iv said this. What should I do? And I feel stupidly dangerous that I am saying and implying all this wrong stuff. What do I do? The way I sit it is I should hibernate and never speak for rest of my life but there must be another option? X

[megz150]

I've also said stuff like this when trying to explain OCD to a friend of mine. So she must be thinking 'well if there's potential that your dad meant it in sexual way, he obv is a bit weird'. When I just meant it like everything has the potential to be bad but most stuff just isn't. But I see that potential as being the case. But this is wrong isn't if? Not everything at all has the potential to be bad? I just meAn I twist Innoncent things to be bad hats all

[Saffie]

I don't think you are really listening. And people do want to help you get better, honestly. Everything you said is irrelelvant. Because you have OCD, no one is going to answer those questions. Maybe your fears are real, maybe they arent. No one knows or will ever know for certain. You have to live with that doubt and learn to not care. Or this will go on and on. It wont end. Maybe you are saying and implying wrong stuff.....just remember........who cares?? It really doesnt matter. Your brain is telling you it matter when it doesn't. So each time you start to ruminate...just repeat to yourself....who cares? Not me.