Please help me partner had an affair

[daisy]

Hi everyone

I am trying to post this using my phone so please excuse any mistakes.

I was on holiday when I found out my partner of 12 years has been having an affair, the other woman sent me a very graphic letter and some photos again very graphic.

My partner has said sorry and wants to carry on our relationship I do as well but I am finding it so very hard . Although he says he wants to carry on I really do not think he does as there is money involved.

Well to cut a long story short I am absolutely terrified of returning home as I am not sure if she has been in my house, one minute she said no then yes and she described it, but it was things my partner could of told her, when I asked her to describe the bedrooms she ignored me!

I don't know how I am going to get through this I have been away since May so really need to get home otherwise I may have problems with my housing association.

There is another part to this I feel the need to stay here until the summer break is over but that probably is due to my ocd and finishing things off.

I really really wish I had not stayed so long I should of gone back when we took my disabled son back to his care home, but I know I can't go back only forward but I really can't tell you how scared I am.

I hope someone can give me some advice please.

Thanks for reading this x

[daisy]

I should of said that I have contamination amongst other types of ocd which is the main reason I am so scared to go home, also my partner has been with her then come back to our house without changing his socks, I also now do not know if he has had anyone else in and I know I am not going to be able to cope and I am due to leave here mon but am so tempted to stay again!

My ocd and stress has gone through the roof!

[Guest sophie13]

Daisy, I am so sorry to hear what you're goingh through. It's horrible... what the **** goes wrong in men's heads? I can't tell. I can see why this makes your fears go high, although I don't have this type of OCD. I don't know how to help you, but my ex fiance cheated on me too. Imagining that he brought home that woman was killing me... so it's not just your OCD that makes you feel bad. What comes thorough my mind is that If my husmand did such a thing I would feel sick about going home as well and see him. Better days will come!

[daisy]

Thank you sophie for your reply I am sorry that your ex did the same to you.

My partner is cross at me because I won't let him go in our house without me for the 1st time as well so I am wondering what it is he is hiding!

Probably nothing but he isn't being very understanding of my feelings, so really I don't know how all this is going to end.

He just wants to brush it all under the carpet really.

[Guest LauraMac]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, that's terrible. Your partner has to understand that he has hurt you deeply and that he's broken trust completely. You have the right to be annoyed and do not let him brush it under the carpet!

[Caramoole]

He just wants to brush it all under the carpet really.

These things can often be worked through if it's what both partners want.....but brushing it under the carpet isn't an option. I'm sure he would find it more comfortable to carry on as though nothing has happened but it has and needs dealing with before you can move on.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time

Caramoole

[daisy]

Thank you laura and caramoole for your replies x

We were going to counselling bu.t that is very costly and to be honest I'm not sure that it will help as he keeps saying different things!

I really wish that I hadn't become so dependant on him regarding my ocd and I also have my disabled son to think about as he thinks the world of him

His attitude though is making me more unable to trust him.

At least he hasn't said it was because of my ocd he is saying he was jealous of my son yet he is in a care home!

I don't know I just feel like I am going crazy with it all and unable to do the basic things!

I am literally terrified of going home because of the contamination of her maybe being in there!

Plus as I said before I feel I need to be here until the end but that is my ocd talking I guess.

Thanks again x

[Guest lizinlondon]

Have you anyone who can support you with regard to your OCD? I have contamination OCD too and I would feel like you if it happened to me. I would try and get as much support for the OCD. Make sure you look after your mental health because stress makes it worse especially if trust is an issue. My heart goes out to you.

[Caramoole]

I know it's very difficult for you but try and remember that there is no contamination, there is an obsession about contamination which will have been made worse by the stress of this situation.

Hope you manage to get back home but keep working on those obsessive fears and try your best to label them for what they are.

[daisy]

Hi liz many thanks for your reply I am trying to get help for my ocd but because I've had it so long nearly 40 yrs and have had some input from the health sevice and I am still the same they said they couldn't help me so I have been seeing a counsellor from the recommendation of a phychiatrist about my guilt issues but the cost of that is mounting up and she doesn't know about ocd but she is the only support I have and she isn't around for a few weeks so I am pretty much on my own.

Are you having treatment for your ocd?

If so I hope it's helping.

[daisy]

Hi caromoole, I don't really understand what you mean there is no contamination but

I appreciate you answering and I will keep trying to overcome my fears but even before this situation I have been facing my fears but my anxiety doesn't come down.

Thank you again everyone who has replied it is good to know people care x

[Caramoole]

Hi caromoole, I don't really understand what you mean there is no contamination

What bit don't you understand Daisy?

There is no risk from contamination in this situation. There is a fear of contamination caused by the OCD, but that is an anxiety/OCD fear, not a risk in reality.

Caramoole

[daisy]

Hi caramoole

My fear of contamination is that if she has been in our house she has bought something in ie faeces or dirt (my main ocd is about faeces etc) I can't have anyone in my house unless I put covers on the floor for workmen etc.

Also just the fact that she may of been in and what they did sickens me.

I also keep getting images of them popping up it wasn't helped by the fact she sent me photos one of them being in her bed so she says!

I am in such a terrible state and so frightened I think if it wasn't for my son I wouldn't be able to carry on!

Thank you for your reply caramoole x

[daisy]

I must add also that I know for sure that he has been in our house after being with her and not changing his socks as we usually do!

I want to make a go of us but for him to do this for 18 months must of been serious yet he is saying it wasn't but he bought her a card and silver bracelet this valentines day!

I am so so scared of going home and not coping as I feel so ill as well.

[Guest lizinlondon]

Hi Daisy

Yes I have started CBT with exposure therapy. But I have not done an exposure yet because I am very severe and the therapist is working with me to build me up to exposure work.

If you are paying for counselling why not pay for a CBT therapist who understands OCD. Counselling in the past did not help my OCD.

Do you feel that you could face CBT at the moment? I would imagine that you are under a huge amount of stress at the moment but CBT would be more effective than counselling. I wish I had got CBT first instead of counselling.

[Guest AJ45]

Daisy,

You are worrying about the wrong things - you are naturally going to think about contamination and invasion of your space . But you need to focus on your relationship, you can't ignore it you need to both address and sort this, or it will eat away at you always .

Always here to chat .....

[dksea]

Daisy - I am so terribly sorry to hear about what your partner did to you. I can't imagine how hard things are for you right now. I encourage you to talk to people you know and trust in your life, in particular your therapist or doctor so they can help you through this. In my opinion he most important thing right now is your well being.

[daisy]

Thank you all for your replies I am in such turmoil I am supposed to be going home tomorrow but have so much to clear up and pack here as I have been away so long!

I am so close to a complete breakdown I have never felt so bad before.

I never want to go home from here normally as the contamination part of my ocd is no where near like it is at home but it is so much worse this time.

I am having nightmares of my partner and her and am not sleeping, it doesn't help that my partner doesn't really seem to be sorry and won't talk about it, also he keeps saying he is leaving and packs his bags!

We are supposed to be going to couple counselling but not sure if he will now!

Has anyone else had any experience of this please.

Thank you all again x

Edited August 17, 2014 by daisy

[Guest Tricia]

So very sorry to hear how awful things are for you, Daisy. I know you were going through hell before you discovered your partner was having an affair.

Many people can forgive and put such things behind them, but I really think you do need to try counselling as your partner doesn't seem to appreciate how devastating this has all been and how it's affected your OCD.

I think having any contact with the woman he had the affair with is a mistake, as you cannot believe what she says and it will add to your pain. However, the fact she ignored you when you mentioned the bedrooms certainly makes it sound as though she has not been in them. She sounds like the kind who would gloat and want to add to your misery. Do try to distance yourself from her now, No matter how desperately you feel she could put your mind to rest about certain issues.

My cousin forgave her husband when he had an affair with her sister. She also has OCD, but not the terror of contamination you have, so she didn't have to panic about that. Could you have your carpets cleaned?

If you do return home tomorrow I really hope you cope. I know you also have checking compulsions to deal with, so even leaving where you are will be very hard. I shall be thinking of you. xx

P.S. Sophie13 wrote, "what the **** goes wrong in men's heads?" I don't know whether men cheat more than women (possibly so) but I know two women who were unfaithful to wonderful, loyal husbands - it can go both ways.

[daisy]

Thank you Tricia for your reply especially when you are having a hard time as well, but with different matters.

I will hopefully try counselling my partner has said he will go.I think a lie detector as well might put my mind to rest but they are very costly and not 100 per cent accurate.

It looks like we will be going home tomorrow but have so much stuff to pack up then check everwhere it's going to be a nightmare!

I think you are right in not having anything to do with the other women as she has changed her story so many times.

It's good to know that some marriages survive an affair, but my partner just seems to think just because he said sorry that I should now forget it, he really doesn't seem to care how much it has upset me in so many ways.

Anyway thank you again I hope things start to get better for you as well.

Take care xx

[daisy]

I am so sorry to post again but I feel I am about to crack up and I can't for my son's sake!

I am trying so hard to be normal with my partner as I do want this to work out but can't stop worrying whether she has been in my house, and thinking of them all the time.I am still away but to be honest I'm not sure being on my own is good right now!

My anxiety and ocd is so much worse to the extent I can't do the things I used to so am spending a lot of time in the chalet.

We went home on Monday to take some things back (have so much here) and I saw a pillow where my partner sits which could just of fallen down as I've so much stuff to clear out, but I also found a womans belt on some boxes in the hallway which my partner says he found on the bus months ago and told me, but I am pretty sure he didn't and because of my contamination ocd I wouldn't of wanted it there anyway!

I am so anxious all the time I am having trouble breathing and can't stop crying!

I have just forced myself out along the sea front but feel more down now as I keep thinking I've lost something (I have checking ocd as well) but I feel sad that I can't go in the sea as I am on my own here!

I am sorry for this depressing post and am not expecting any replies as really there is nothing anyone can say,but would be grateful for any tips on how to cope.

Thank you for reading this x

Edited August 21, 2014 by daisy

[Guest PaulM]

Hi daisy,

First, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't pretend to know how you feel but I know that betrayal of trust.

I empathize with your contamination concerns. That would bother me too. In some ways focusing on the contamination concerns is a distraction from the hurt and pain of the affair while the stress of the whole situation feeds the OCD. Add to that the fact that even if contamination was the only concern this is nothing like graduated exposure but being thrown in the deep end.

Are you seeing any therapists or doctors at this point?

Paul

[daisy]

Hi Paul

Thanks for your reply.No I am not seeing any doctors or counsellor at the moment the one i see isnt back until september 5th but I have an assessment coming up soon to see the complex needs people.

I did see a new psychiatrist and told him what had happened but all he really was bothered about was getting me off the diazepam I'm on!

I probably would be better off at home or at least round my area (it would be a lot cheaper) I am running up a huge bill staying away.Plus I have my sister and a couple of friends who I could see but I am so scared to go home plus it is in such a mess (I'm a hoarder as well).

I hope things with you are going reasonably smoothly.

Take care

Gill

[Guest PaulM]

Hi Gill,

Things are going reasonably well at this end, thanks.

It's good that you have an appointment coming up in a couple of weeks. But I can see staying away would be expensive.

Would your sister or a friend be able to accompany you home?

Paul

[daisy]

Hi Paul

Glad things are going reasonably well for you at the moment.

My sister and my friend have offered to help me to get home but my ocd is so severe I can't have anyone in my house.

Anyway many thanks for your replies.

Take care

Gill

A

Edited August 21, 2014 by daisy