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Having a Dip At The Moment


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My OCD is episodic,taking the form of unpleasant thoughts of a violent theme repetitively "looping", and whilst I know when I may be especially vulnerable, I've no way of knowing when it may kick off and when it may end; but a particularly unpleasant part of it is when it kicks in its difficult to shift, and it tries to maintain itself by seeking to revisit previous thought loops, which it dredges up from memory.

In practice what this means is that if I successfully apply "The Four Steps" to a thought, applying distraction, it will seek to intrude with one of these previous loops.

And when its running, it causes unpleasant high arousal, which makes it difficult to relax and to sleep.On Thursday night I got virtually no sleep because of this, but I did manage to catch up on sleep at least last night.

Now when I'm not actually in an episode, and an intrusion comes to call, I am usually able to calmly push it aside. it's like as if I have mental shields up . Also in that phase I can operate very mindfully - just living and thinking in the moment - which is effectively best practice anyway. E.g. in my lunchtime either in Chelmsford or London when working I would go for a mindful walk - only aware of what i saw, smelt and heard during the walk - brilliant .

So that is where we'd like to get back to, without slipping down the OCD snakes.

I've looked through my recovery blueprint, which basically suggests inserting something into the vicious circle of thinking to break it - that's fine of course, but the OCD dredging up something else must also be dealt with at that time, as well as the "Brainlock" creating a repetitive thought loop..

So this is where we are at right now - my wife is acting as support; we basically are seeking to:

Label, re-attribute then refocus intrusions - (that's going ok up to refocus)

Break the chain of distress

Shut down on OCD's introduction of old "loops" to seek to restart the cycle of distress.

As you probably gather, I have no problem identifying the intrusions as OCD - what is a challenge is the issue that they stick in the frontal lobe of the brain as a"loop" and its difficult to work around that to overcome that "Brainlock".

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Distraction and normality is usually the best way forward despite the intrusive thoughts.

It is awful and soul-sapping when your brain gets stuck but it also shows that somewhere we're paying attention to the content of that particular thought, be it an old one or a new variety.

I find getting involved in something physical the best, whether that's digging the garden, clearing the shed or an untidy cupboard, tackling a basket of ironing, painting the bathroom etc.

More often than not the lock eases, it often returns when we stop and sit down to relax....but if we continue with normality to the best of our ability it does start to ease up and move on.

I'm not sure it's as simple as having a blue print where if we do X, Y followed by Z it will go. Yes we should have tools to use and draw upon but long-term, the aim is to try and push forward automatically, seamlessly, to live life as normally as we can.

OCD is often a relaxing and remitting condition, I've never achieved a "Cure" but I have achieved "Management" albeit with some/many painful episodes along the way.

Stress is a major factor....and although retirement may seem idylic it is none-the-less high up the list of stressors, especially at the beginning when you're making the adjustment to this new lifestyle and future.

Put your tools in place but try not to become too military or structured in the approach, that can sometimes have the opposite effect and focus too much attention on OCD and the need to be rid of it. There can often be many unrecognised thought procedures going on that are actually compulsions, where we think that they're strategies we're applying sensibly. Just beware.

Hope things ease up soon.

Caramoole :)

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Thanks both.

I have done slme physical activity - two shopping errands - one by walking - and I tidied up the kitchen.I tried watching football but struggled so I am lying on the bed reading Brainlock and have picked up on several useful points from there as well.

Yes I was expecting a problem with the change of circumstances Caramoole and we were working a plan for that - I think however the family stresses on top of that weakened my resilience.

I can assure that I am NOT beating myself up or worrying - as Jeffrey Schwartz said I have anticipated a problem - but the intense physical sensations I am experiencing are very distressing so I am going to work on that element of not attaching any meaning or interraction to the thoughts and Caramoole's normality.

I do believe that there is a clue in that as to why the non-episodic Roy can function pretty well and deflect intrusions -its like I experience the thoughts as a non-OCD person would and just forget them.

I also note that Jeffrey uses Adam Smith's "impartial observer" concept to encourage us to look for the normality and seek to follow that.

Thanks liz for your input - meditation helped me to sleep last night and I am looking to carry out a mindful walk shortly.It should also burn off some stress chemicals.

Edited by taurean
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Hi Canuck.

It is so useful to be able to come and "talk" to people who understand; and as my wife said to me, you give so much help yourself, so ask them if they can help and provide some support! .

I like to be open about my own OCD - it's part of awareness plus what works for me others may find of some assistance.

I went for that mindfulness walk, and surprised myself by mainly achieving mindfulness in my conscious mind, whilst at the same time, in my subconscious mind, absorbing what liz Caramoole and Jeffrey Schwartz had been telling me and looking to tweak a sensible plan of campaign.

In that walk I was in fact in tune with Jeffrey's (and Adam Smith's) "impartial observer" - just seeing, hearing, smelling - and that is such a wonderful experience, it gave me a boost - and i have burnt off some of the unpleasant high arousal too.I really hate that feeling.

I realised (in my sub-conscious) that three types of dysfunctional thought patterns are adding to my problem - personalisation, exaggeration and minimising the positive, and so addressing those by rational response and reframing would be a great help - so i am doing that - but not in a compulsive way - just a one-off deal to make myself aware of that problem and reframe.

I realised that the OCD was preparing a "shopping list" to roll out of previous "thought loops" and I need to damp that down and minimise it, otherwise it would use them to maintain the cycle of distress. So I am telling myself that those fail taurean's rule about the past - we should learn from it and then forget it - so I am confronting the OCD with that, telling it i know what it's game is,

As it happens, the thoughts haven't managed to loop that much -at least not yet - so I will be looking to apply distraction to try and minimise that possibility ; you will understand it is that much more difficult to leave a thought be/not engage with it if it is constantly looping in your mind - like a song that won't go away.

I have a long list of viable meaningful distractions, and I will be applying some of them. One of them is actually using the forum so i am doing that anyway just now. although I am sure people will realise I'm not keen to interract on their posts at the moment.

Edited by taurean
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Hi roy,not good to year your haveing a blip,good to know your strong and will apply the tools to move past it

I hate how it catches you out when you feel ontop,its like nearly starting at stage one as it drudges up things you thought youd left behind witch werent worth pondering about in the first place

Im sure youll be feeling stronger in no time,a blip used to drag me down for six months but with regular meditation, distraction and support from this site I can useually slip back above water in a week,keep up useing the tools

All the best,battle

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A week would be good battle, I'd buy that straight away.

I want to be more help, not hindrance, to my very loyal and supporting wife- who was hoping the cavalry would arrive with my retirement to help on the family and building work matters, so the timing of the relapse - although we realised it was a possibility - is not good.

What I do find helps in addition to what i mentioned is one thing from my therapist:

OCD treats me very badly because it does take oneof the things that is so important to me - caring - and turns it on its head by introducing violent themes, which I personally the real me - abhor. But of course the flavour of the OCD isn't the issue, it does this whatever the type of OCD; Whatever it plays on, it knows it will especailly distress us - like with the false memories it picks something that the individual would find especially awful if it were true.

So whilst I am skilled enough to recognise the OCD, it does help to remind myself what my real caring personality is - it helps also to address the personalisation problem and "third party" it (which is the correct rational response to that dysfunctional thought).

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Walks can be so cathartic. I love when I'm camping just listening to nature. Listening to all the sounds that, sadly, are often drowned out by the noise of the city.

In my work I would prefer to walk rather than take buses or taxis - this would allow me to walk over 20 miles a week, and those walks would often be mindful . So I am working on plenty of walks, and a structure agreed with my wife for the week (that's taking a bit of a knock at the moment, as certain things I need to be feeling strong to take on). But i can defer some things, and substitute useful meaningful distractions short term.

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Hi Roy,

Just showing a bit of support. I hope you feel a bit better soon. We're all here for you.

Binx

I appreciate that Binxy, thank you so much. As you can see I am building and working a plan, and this time the forum members are contributing which is great.

Here are a few examples of things that my notes tell me "shocked" me out of the "Brainlock" that sticks the thoughts for me.I think therefore there is merit in more work on this angle.

Last time, belive it or not, it was Caramoole's "Kipper" - she told me essentially to keep calm and apply the knowledge i already had.That "shocked" me out of the lock and the thought loops ceased very quickly afterwards.

Seeing a doctor has often had this effect, but doesn't always.

Taking two tablets of St John's Wort daily for a while has broken that Brainlock" in the past, but doesn't always work.(Remember folks you need medical clearance to use this herb, it interracts with drugs especially SSRIs so can only be used if medically acceptable for use by a specific individual). .

Reading a book of positive thoughts for the day by Norman Vincent Peale broke it one time.

Another time it was reading an anthology of short prayers.

One time at Christmas it was reading a book on the history behind favourite carols.

So you see folks it definitely seems to be a "Brainlock" problem with me, as i can identify what specifically broke the lock.

So what will break it this time? - unfortunately not always the same thing, but I compiled a list from my knowledge because things that have worked once must have a good chance of doing so again.I think the doctor one has worked more than once for example.

So maybe there is worth in applying effort to that scientific side of things in my OCD? I'll revisit the list, see if i can add to it, and try one or two.

I suspect the reason they don't just work again is that OCD is at play resisting them maybe, as it WANTS the episode - and the distress - to continue?

Do you think I am onto something here folks?

Edited by taurean
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Sounds like you've got a good set of potentials there. I've had a rough day today, my girlfriend is away for a week so I'm on my own and I've really struggled. I always feel calmer in the evening though for some reason. Hope you find your escape from it soon. I'm going to try to immerse myself in a film this evening. Failing that, a book, and an early night.

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Hi Roy

Sending positivity your way! Just reading through the thread and it seems that you have a good plan in place, lots of knowledge and tools to help minimise the upset that the ocd could potentially cause.

It's horrible isn't it to know what's causing the distress yet it remains stuck, making you feel awful and it's that feeling that is so hard to cope with sometimes. That's how I feel a lot and I read something yesterday similar that gingerbread girl said.

I really hope you feel better soon, apply all your knowledge and techniques and I know you will be grande :) x

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Roy, there's nothing I can add that's not already been mentioned.My only suggestion would be Rescue Remedy or aromatherapy? Both of these help me when my brain "loops" as it helps to let go of that apprehension, fear and upset. You've been under a lot of stress lately with your family health, it's only to be expected that your OCD would flare up. Sadly, OCD is like that.

Good luck, I do understand how upsetting violent thoughts are as this is the nature of my thoughts, too. We are all here for you and hope these thoughts relent soon.

Sending you hugs at this tough time.

FoosBoo88 x

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Morning everyone,

Just a bit more background - In a normal non-episodic mode I seem to operate like a space ship with its shields up, deflecting and not inter-acting with any violent themes, and this enable me to concentrate on my therapy - which is based around the pleasant enjoyable things that maintain my normal health calm and happiness.There is a lot of music, exercise and pleasant reading in that, although (as part of exposure therapy) I do also seek to read the newspaper periodically and blank/turn the page from to discard any unpleasant material in that.

But if the shields come down, which they seem to do when a relapse occurs, these things become very difficult to deflect as my OCD wishes to focus on them, but I of course don't.

I used the guided meditation CDs plus a couple or propranolol last night and got some good sleep, but woke up to find my thoughts looping - however it's quite a nice day.I am a little bit muscle-cramped (fight or flight reaction) , but not too much so can function ok.

I am going to seek to minimise that looping through distraction and will start by some breakfast and the sport part of the paper, while Mrs Roy does her meditation in bed .(she does this every morning before getting up).

Instead of going to the leisure centre today we are going to do some gardening together, and i can take the trimmings down the recycle centre.

We may not get the neighhbours' cats attention today - we call the main visitiors "Spotty", "Moses", "Dopply" "Puma" and "Twinkletoes" (we don't know their real names) - because they often spend more time with their families at weekends - but any feline visitors will be acceptable and welcome.

So distraction, some physical activity, togetherness and maybe I'll pop down the leisure centre this afternoon, or seek to relax and watch the sport, will be the strategy today. Any intrusions will be left alone- even if they loop - as i know they are OCD not me.. .

Edited by taurean
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Guest Shannon

Hi Taurean.

Sorry to hear you have been struggling but you seem to have the right preparation and tools for recovery. Gardening sounds like a good plan-absorb yourself in the beauty of nature and animals can be very therapeutic, they have a very different way of life/way of dealing with things and spending time with them can be relaxing and rewarding. Good luck and all the best to get back on track x

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Hi taurean, one thing I have noticed from your posts is you may be overthinking, by that I mean you seem to be trying to think your way out of this dip. It's something I'm guilty of at times, I think if I do this if I do that it may make me feel better, but then it means the things you are doing are to try to alleviate the ocd rather then doing them because you enjoy it if that makes sense. So rather then thinking I'll do that today it helps with my ocd, think what would I really like to do today if ocd wasn't a factor. What I tend to find is if I am doing stuff just to try and make the ocd better is I'm constantly thinking, am I feeling better, is it helping? So obviously that keeps the ocd at the forefront of my mind. I would also try to avoid reading brainlock, I know you say it helps, but you probably know it cover to cover by now, so I do wonder if it is a form of reassurance, plus once again it is keeping the thoughts at the forefront of your mind, I might be talking nonsense, if I am ignore

Hope you feel better soon, take care

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Hi taurean, one thing I have noticed from your posts is you may be overthinking, by that I mean you seem to be trying to think your way out of this dip. It's something I'm guilty of at times, I think if I do this if I do that it may make me feel better, but then it means the things you are doing are to try to alleviate the ocd rather then doing them because you enjoy it if that makes sense. So rather then thinking I'll do that today it helps with my ocd, think what would I really like to do today if ocd wasn't a factor. What I tend to find is if I am doing stuff just to try and make the ocd better is I'm constantly thinking, am I feeling better, is it helping? So obviously that keeps the ocd at the forefront of my mind. I would also try to avoid reading brainlock, I know you say it helps, but you probably know it cover to cover by now, so I do wonder if it is a form of reassurance, plus once again it is keeping the thoughts at the forefront of your mind, I might be talking nonsense, if I am ignore

Hope you feel better soon, take care

Makes sense of course and ties in with Caramoole's distraction and normality.

But Brainlock is rather like one of my favoured works of art - each time you look at it you can see something else.

What I found helped but the book is going back on the shelves because I believe in what we've all said, makes sense.

The gardening was good but OCD'D mental chatter was carrying on whilst doing it - this is stressful because when someone talks to you you have to reply over that mental chatter!

Am I overthinking - possibly - but I have tried to shift emphasis by meaningful distraction; I have distractions that have worked well in the past to use.

I am not seeking reassurance from the forum - but yes I am interested in any ideas because this is the time that I especially struggle with my OCD viz stopping it presenting old thought loops to keep the cycle of distress going - its been doing that all morning and I'd really like to close that down, together with the repeating thoughts - all suggestions welcome please?

It does need to be something that will push me out of the "Brainlock"

Edited by taurean
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Just a little update.

Decided to go with that normality as recommended by carlio and Caramoole, and took a walk to the pub to watch a bit of Tottenham v Liverpool and enjoy a pint, while Mrs Roy has a nap..

The pub was packed - with many Tottenham supporters (we are in the catchment area for them as well as Arsenal, West Ham and Leyton Orient) but the scoreline of 0-3 wasn't very normal.

I'm just letting thoughts come and leaving them, and I'm feeling good physically.

Three of the cats are in the garden - "Spotty" "Moses" and "Twinkeltoes", all dozing on a fine day.They all want to come into our back garden - i don't blame them, so do we - its 250 square foot with 2 lawns, a winding path, two patios (one circular - one covered attached to the summerhouse) a coalhouse,potting shed, garage, outside loo and shed.

I'm grateful for the advice given folks, i'm using it and not overthinking now, and I am going down to watch the Arsenal game, and ;probably listen to classical music tonight.

i also managed to make a post on a couple of other threads.

Whilst I do want my mind to revert back to how it was middle of last week - when my wife and I went shopping in the West End and had a lovely time and I remained free of intrusions - I reaiise that I must simply await an opportunity to unlock the Brainlock - previous experience has shown me that finding that "shock" then moves my thinking around the lock and enables "The Four Steps" to deal with intrusions.

Edited by taurean
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Much better on thoughts today - they have calmed down somewhat.

However physical symptoms are very bad with loose bowels and muscle cramp, so after doing some local shopping this morning I aam looking to relax this afternoon to ease these symptoms (typical stress reaction) so I am listening to soothing music and reading; I shall look to meditate when I have reduced those symptoms sufficiently.

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Guest lizinlondon

Wow Roy sounds like you are really fighting this one. Good luck! I never had harm OCD until two weeks ago. I was in a busy shopping centre and started thinking "I want to punch someone". And it has started happening everytime I go out now. I am treating it as OCD but it is very distressing. It makes me feel like I should not go out but that would be giving in to the OCD bully. I have re-read these posts and seeing how you are dealing with your dip to help me. I will follow my own advice of mindfullness and relaxation!

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Hi liz,

Yes you must go out don't let OCD use it to change your behaviour.This is actually where using "the Four Steps" is so good. Step 1 you are recognising it as an OCD thought, step 2 your are re-attributing it to the OCD and not anything about yourself,

So now your main need is actually to use step 3 which is refocusing away from the intrusion without fighting or engaging with it. So you need to go out anyway and leave that thought and get refocused onto an involved distraction. To me this is the most important thing. so maybe try just walking and focusing on what you see hear and smell - this mindful approach focusing into the moment is good anyway, and keep refocusing from any intrusions. i'll be doing this in the forest.

Then use the relaxation exercises back home or back from work to wind down from physical sensations - which is what i did for the second part of yesterday. I find classical music and a nice book really good for relaxation and refocus because your mind is taken into the story of the book.A really nice TV programme or film would also suit - I find quizzes and home-style or light-hearted documentaries good.

To help me sleep last night I used the CD of guided meditation for muscle relaxation, and this morning I have consulted with Mrs Roy who needs some time for hair trimming (which she does herself) so I am going to take my new canon camera out into Epping Forest to take some pictures. Sadly I won't be able to upload anything onto here because the data per image is 3-4 times the limit imposed for uploads by forum management 9to save server data). .

Thankfully, using those relaxation techniques means i'm ok to drive the car this morning.

If all goes nicely this morning i am hoping to feel strong enough to call the roofers and arrange an appointment for a quote new roof.

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Hi roy,not good to year your haveing a blip,good to know your strong and will apply the tools to move past it

I hate how it catches you out when you feel ontop,its like nearly starting at stage one as it drudges up things you thought youd left behind witch werent worth pondering about in the first place

Im sure youll be feeling stronger in no time,a blip used to drag me down for six months but with regular meditation, distraction and support from this site I can useually slip back above water in a week,keep up useing the tools

All the best,battle

Hi battlethrough,

Can you (or others) advice anything in particular as well as distraction and meditation and normality that you found helped you curtail the episode?

My wife and I are keen to cut the duration down - often these episodes for me last some weeks, and are therefore very disruptive to our lives and my health, and so its more curtailment that we are especially interested .in.

So any ideas on curtailment of the episode anyone?

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Guest lizinlondon

Hi Roy I did stay in yesterday but am going out today and will use the mindfullness walking technique. I know I would never act out on these thoughts, I am really anti-violence. It is just OCD.

Hope you have fun with your new camera. I want to go out with mine and trek across London getting some shots. But I think I will wait until my OCD and meds stabilize. At least I have this to look forward to. Have a great day!

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