POCD and computer worries

[Guest ocdsufferer1001]

Hello everyone,

I've always had a form of Harm OCD and one of the things i obsessed about was taking photos of me doing things and then sending it to other people. At the same time I've had POCD so it's been hard.

I've been worrying about the photo thing for the past 2 years and these past 2 weeks it has hit me hard. I've been paranoid I've sent things to people and it kept getting worse but saturday night really knocked me down. I know your OCD goes through bits like "just try it / you may as well get it over with" etc to trick you. When I was on my laptop I lifted my hand up to my keyboard as if to try it and then I thought I had done it, I suffer with false memories so it's hard. I really believed I had sent something to someone and then deleted it and emptied the recycle bin.

However it's coming to the point where a photo can't have been sent I don't think because where I thought the photo was located - I would've noticed it way before now.

Plus I'm sure the person I sent it to (over facebook) would've messaged me back.

It was really odd because I didn't feel too worried about it even though I believed it. I've been using recovery tools to try and recover anything that was emptied but no luck at the minute. I think my OCD is trying to mess with my head, making it so I've not felt as worried when I had a worry.

The only problem is I've only just come to this conclusion now and earlier this morning I had a POCD worry as soon as I woke up. (I believed I had got up out of bed and gone to a neighbours garden as they have a child)

I've always been super worried and sick with POCD worries but I had it in my head that if I was capable of sending something weird/horrendous to someone / "broke OCD" by sending something (please note I believed it at that point) then I must've been capable of doing the POCD worry.

I'm really worried sick, I feel so so upset, it's got to the point where I thought "it's okay, if it ever turns out that you did do the POCD worry, you can always kill yourself"

I've just talked to my mum and she said I came to the "i would've seen it before now because of its location" last night which has confused me. I still believed it this morning anyway.

Does this mean I would've done the POCD worry?

Please help

[battlethrough]

Your caught in a mental loop

What help are you getting,professionally or self help?

[battlethrough]

Also to add,10 years ago I used to have thoughts of ending it as a way out,although they werent intrusive as such they were definatly destructive,make that clear in yourself as not an awnser

You can get better,everyone on here is at different stages of recovery,some people are pretty much ocd clear,i myself am 80 percent better than I was just a year ago,it can be done,were not lucky to have ocd but we are lucky we have it in this era as theres a lot of knowledge and organizations out there for us but we must use them to help ourselves

You are in no way alone in this x

Edited September 1, 2014 by battlethrough

[Guest ocdsufferer1001]

I see a therapist once a week.

Back in June I genuinely believed I had acted on my POCD when I was in a shop and it really really upset me I wanted to kill myself and everything so that shows it's a really horrendous thing to me plus I was never that way inclined before POCD, I never even had the thoughts before all this. (it turned out I had never acted on my POCD worries)

The way I got through it before I realised it was all very silly was by thinking "it nearly destroyed me so that shows I would never do anything like that"

So it really confused me when I didn't feel too worried when I fully believed I had sent something to someone on saturday night. I remember feeling like I had to tell my mum and I did, so maybe it was worrying me and my OCD is trying to make it seem like I wasn't worrying. I remember checking my history and seeing if I could recover items that had been emptied from the recycle bin so maybe I was concerned. I suppose if I wasn't worried I'd have just left it.

So if that worried me, by the same logic as before, I wouldn't have acted on my POCD worry because it all very much worries me.

The only thing I'm struggling with is I believed I had done the sending thing and still believed it up 'til this point so to me I felt like I was capable of my POCD worry from this morning.

However as time goes by it seems almost apparent I never sent a thing because obviously people don't just snap or think "yknow what I'm gonna do it" and then do it (I know some people have experienced "yknow what I'm gonna do it" because OCD tries to trick you, but they don't act on it)

So if that was the case, even though I believed I had done it, I most likely didn't, therefore no "acting on it" happened so I most likely wouldn't have acted on my POCD worry this morning as you don't act on OCD worries?

Thank you battlethrough, I've managed to get a bit better before, I just seem to have blips. I'm glad you're 80% better. You're right we're lucky we live in this era. x

[battlethrough]

The thing we must learn over time to do Is realize we dont have to give these mental questions anytime,zero,nill,nothing

We scrabble around inthe caverns of our minds trying to work things out tht we will never get an awnser to,what tools do you use for acceptance,anxiety,andvtrying to resist ruminatein? X

Edited September 1, 2014 by battlethrough

[Guest ocdsufferer1001]

I use distraction techniques, the helicopter technique (where you look at the issue from above, maybe even look at what you'd say to someone else saying this stuff) etc. To be honest any other time I would be fine because I'd think "it really worries me so I wouldn't do anything at all like that"

It was a case of fully believing I'd acted another worry which then made me think I'd then act on POCD.

All I know is, it's really tearing me apart right now. x

[PolarBear]

Something you need to work on are your compulsions. You have several including checking the recycle bin and history, all the self talk you do after an obsession and telling your mom about it.

Compulsions can temporarily make us feel better but they are a double edged sword. While they make us feel better for a bit they also reinforce the obsession, drawing attention to it and making the obsession more powerful.

You need to slow down and resist those compulsions. Your obsession is the thought that maybe you sent out something bad. Let that thought be. Don't push back against it. Resist compulsions.