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Is this OCD or is this attraction normal?


Guest OCDsufferer9

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Guest OCDsufferer9

Hi, I'm 18 and have been diagnosed with OCD more than once. I suffer from POCD and I've feeling much better now. However, I want to ask a question. Is it normal to consider dating a 15 year old? I'm only asking 'cause there was this person and judging from the face, he looks normal but when I was his physique, he does look like a minor and so I don't want to date him anymore even though he's cute. Is this attraction normal? Or am I a deviant? I'm afraid now.

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Hmmm, well I think it's normal. My mom sometimes comments on the attractiveness of 18 year olds even though she's 40. She wouldn't date them, she's just pointing it out. There's nothing wrong with nothing that someone is attractive I don't think :group:

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Guest OCDsufferer9

Hmmm, well I think it's normal. My mom sometimes comments on the attractiveness of 18 year olds even though she's 40. She wouldn't date them, she's just pointing it out. There's nothing wrong with nothing that someone is attractive I don't think :group:

Well, to be honest, I am desperately searching for love all the time and I guess when I saw his profile on Facebook, this thought hit me. He's cute, like another average guy, but his physique is definitely that of a teenager and that's definitely a turn-off. But I'm still asking. Why am I so afraid? Is it because of my OCD or is it because I'm afraid to admit I'm attracted to him? If I had to choose, I would of course choose not to be attracted to him.

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Guest Cripplingfear

Hi, I'm 18 and have been diagnosed with OCD more than once. I suffer from POCD and I've feeling much better now. However, I want to ask a question. Is it normal to consider dating a 15 year old? I'm only asking 'cause there was this person and judging from the face, he looks normal but when I was his physique, he does look like a minor and so I don't want to date him anymore even though he's cute. Is this attraction normal? Or am I a deviant? I'm afraid now.

The age different is so small that the attraction seems completely normal to me. Actually it's normal for even adults to be sexually attracted to late teenagers (15-19), acting on them is a different thing.

In your case I wouldn't even see the dating as problematic, because of the small age difference. In my group of friends, relationships like this were completely normal and nobody was left traumatized. Even the USA (which is very conservative and very paranoid) has the romeo and juliet laws where the max age difference is usually 4 years.

Your attraction is 100% normal and nothing to be afraid of. Your anxiety stems from the OCD and probably also from the real attraction. I honestly laughed a little again. This will seem terrible and horrible to you and because of your superior sense of responsibility the OCD will make you feel like a sexual deviant, but from an outer perspective it seems a bit silly. I don't mean to ridicule your worries, I know how real and terrible this type of OCD feels, but sometimes it's better just to say "so what" to yourself.

Edited by Cripplingfear
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Guest OCDsufferer9

The age different is so small that the attraction seems completely normal to me. Actually it's normal for even adults to be sexually attracted to late teenagers (15-19), acting on them is a different thing.

In your case I wouldn't even see the dating as problematic, because of the small age difference. In my group of friends, relationships like this were completely normal and nobody was left traumatized. Even the USA (which is very conservative and very paranoid) has the romeo and juliet laws where the max age difference is usually 4 years.

Your attraction is 100% normal and nothing to be afraid of. Your anxiety stems from the OCD and probably also from the real attraction. I honestly laughed a little again. This will seem terrible and horrible to you and because of your superior sense of responsibility the OCD will make you feel like a sexual deviant, but from an outer perspective it seems a bit silly. I don't mean to ridicule your worries, I know how real and terrible this type of OCD feels, but sometimes it's better just to say "so what" to yourself.

It's okay, I understand. To be honest, that helped. Even my sister, last week, said how cute a boy is, probably 15 years of age. My problem is not that, however. It's thinking it's okay to date a 15 year old. I'm afraid I'm really attracted to 15 year olds and younger and I'm only not going out with them 'cause I have OCD :'(

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Guest OCDsufferer9

I would actually advice the person not to date this person to avoid any triggering situations. I'm not sure if this is wise, though since exposure therapy is one of the best tools to recovery. What's your opinion? Is this normal? Should I just move on with my life? Thanks.

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Guest OCDsufferer9

personally I think you are panicking and unsure , and want reasurance

I do admit that I am seeking reassurance all the time at the moment because I have these boundaries in my life and I cannot be attracted to a 15 year old, that's how I see it but when I saw that I am, it's like, my life has completely changed now. And I'm afraid. Normally, I wouldn't even think of dating a 15 year old but I am desperate for love and thought "what the hell", you know? And now I'm afraid :(

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Guest Cripplingfear

See what you're doing here? We've already answered your question, but still you continue.

There's a lot of unnecessary shame here, which stems from the typical black and white thinking. The problem is, morals and ethics are very contextual. In your case we are talking about an attraction towards a 15-year old. It's not wrong per se (in fact I don't think just an attraction is ever wrong), and there are very different scales for it. Your boundaries are too tight, we can't control all of are attractions and thoughts to the limit. Things change, perspectives change.

Let's take an extreme example. Killing is wrong, but it isn't the same in all situations. A guy accidentally killing someone while defending himself is not the same as a serial killer cold-bloodedly hunting down people.

With OCD, you make these silly connections. An example: pedophiles watch porn > I watch porn > therefore I must be a pedophile. In your case: pedophiles are attracted to children > anyone under 18 is legally a child > i'm a pedophile. There are countless holes in a logic like this, but we can't see them in our very subjective state.

The next thing you will probably ask is the dating thing. Being the age as you are, there's nothing wrong with you thinking of dating him/her. Don't go googling: you just get really stupid answers and find all the things you don't want to find, because you're hyper-sensitive to everything that might have something to do with your specific OCD-theme. There are a lot of people who think homosexuals should be burned or whatever. Just because someone thinks so, doesn't mean that it's actually true or right.

There's a quote that I really like and try to keep as my guideline in recovery: "Attempts at reassurance inspire the brain to automatically scan for any possible exceptions"

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Guest OCDsufferer9

See what you're doing here? We've already answered your question, but still you continue.

There's a lot of unnecessary shame here, which stems from the typical black and white thinking. The problem is, morals and ethics are very contextual. In your case we are talking about an attraction towards a 15-year old. It's not wrong per se (in fact I don't think just an attraction is ever wrong), and there are very different scales for it. Your boundaries are too tight, we can't control all of are attractions and thoughts to the limit. Things change, perspectives change.

Let's take an extreme example. Killing is wrong, but it isn't the same in all situations. A guy accidentally killing someone while defending himself is not the same as a serial killer cold-bloodedly hunting down people.

With OCD, you make these silly connections. An example: pedophiles watch porn > I watch porn > therefore I must be a pedophile. In your case: pedophiles are attracted to children > anyone under 18 is legally a child > i'm a pedophile. There are countless holes in a logic like this, but we can't see them in our very subjective state.

The next thing you will probably ask is the dating thing. Being the age as you are, there's nothing wrong with you thinking of dating him/her. Don't go googling: you just get really stupid answers and find all the things you don't want to find, because you're hyper-sensitive to everything that might have something to do with your specific OCD-theme. There are a lot of people who think homosexuals should be burned or whatever. Just because someone thinks so, doesn't mean that it's actually true or right.

There's a quote that I really like and try to keep as my guideline in recovery: "Attempts at reassurance inspire the brain to automatically scan for any possible exceptions"

Yes, I do admit that I have very tight boundaries and I have this set of rules which I make sure to live by them, like living only in a black and white world. I'm also aware of the fact that I'm constantly seeking reassurance, like a constant need to assure myself I'm not this bad person with some bad intentions. However, I fear that because I might have found myself being attracted to this 15 year old, I could go on and like even 13 year olds or so. At the moment, I have a distorted vision of things and can't really tell what is true or false which, of course, makes it even scarier for me. When I ask myself whether or not I like 15 year olds, I can't tell if my answer, being "no", is true or myself trying to convince I'm not, as in being in denial :(

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Guest Cripplingfear

However, I fear that because I might have found myself being attracted to this 15 year old, I could go on and like even 13 year olds or so. At the moment, I have a distorted vision of things and can't really tell what is true or false which, of course, makes it even scarier for me.

But it doesn't work that way just like looking at Playboy doesn't make you want to rape 18-20 year olds. I admit being attracted to some 15-year old girls and when I really think about it, I don't think it makes me a sicko or a deviant. In fact it's been proven over and over again to be VERY COMMON.

You can't let go of your OCD unless you learn to be more open. Boundaries are good, but you're shaming yourself too much for something normal. Do you have a very strict or a religious upbringing?

In todays paranoid world it's hard to have an actual discussion about this topic without sounding like a paedophilia-apologist. That makes it all the more confusing for us with OCD.

Your thoughts also sound very common to me. The fear of being in denial or blocking something terrible out is actually very common.

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Guest panix2007

Hey there, you said earlier that "I have these boundaries in my life and I cannot be attracted to a 15 year old."

Why not? What would be wrong about being attracted to someone who is 15?

You fear that you might then end up being attracted to people younger. Would you similarly worry that if you dated someone who was 17 that you would start being attracted to 16 and 15 year olds? It's all fear. That you might end up being attracted to someone younger is a risk you have to take if you want to be able to enjoy life, which might include dating a cute 15 year old.

If it's only a few years difference, then dating is generally seen as ok. And since you're only 18, dating someone who is 15 is most likely fine.

But if you find yourself attracted to someone younger, the key is to separate attraction from action. I'm 29. There's a teenager who takes the same bus as me in the morning; I go to work, he goes to school somewhere. He's adorable. Probably 16 or 17. I feel guilty for finding him attractive, but I know it's normal. And since I wouldn't ever act on it, it's not worth worrying about.

But ultimately there's nothing we can say that can convince you. OCD doesn't work that way. So you should recognize that you'll continue to have these fears, while trying to keep living the best you can in spite of them. If you want to date this guy, I think you should go for it.


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Guest OCDsufferer9

At the moment I'm having these thoughts and feeling the need to check, question myself, compare and picture scenes in my head just to make sure I'm not a pedophile and each and every time I feel like I actually want to do such a thing or that I'm actually attracted to minors. I'm filled with doubts and can't seem to provide myself with a conclusive answer and so then I check and check again, a never-ending pattern which becomes very time-consuming, debilitating and out of control. In fact, I'm feeling very afraid right now because I don't know who I am anymore and can't distinguish what is real and what is not. Everything just feels so real and too convincing. All that I can pick up from my combination of emotions are confusion and fear. And this scares me because I want myself to be able to say out loud that I don't want to do such a thing and that I'm not attracted to such people but I can't. I can't bring myself to say that because of my doubts and because of how real it feels

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Guest panix2007

"At the moment I'm having these thoughts and feeling the need to check, question myself, compare and picture scenes in my head just to make sure I'm not a pedophile and each and every time I feel like I actually want to do such a thing or that I'm actually attracted to minors. I'm filled with doubts and can't seem to provide myself with a conclusive answer and so then I check and check again, a never-ending pattern which becomes very time-consuming, debilitating and out of control."

OCD-specialist Fred Penzel has an expression: "The more you check, the less you know." It's very true! The process of checking and analyzing and comparing etc. just validates the OCD-generated thoughts, convincing you all the more that they're legitimate.

Treat the thoughts as if they were other irrational thoughts that were more easy to recognize as irrational. If the thought suddenly popped into your head that the world is going to explode on Tuesday, would you begin a frantic global search for reassurance that it wouldn't? Of course not. So even though your current thoughts about your sexuality are much more anxiety-inducing and seem much more emotionally significant, treat them as you would other irrational thoughts.

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