Tough day at work

[Guest Gloria123]

Hi,

today at work it was really hard for me....had a lot of groinal responses and sexual intrusive thoughts with kids and also had almost "convinced thoughts" that I would like it if the kid would rub over my lap (I heard from this action in a documentary about peadophiles I watched lately)

[Guest Sisyphus]

Hi,

today at work it was really hard for me....had a lot of groinal responses and sexual intrusive thoughts with kids and also had almost "convinced thoughts" that I would like it if the kid would rub over my lap (I heard from this action in a documentary about peadophiles I watched lately)

Commiserations - sounds very unpleasant. Exposure's good and the way to get well and all that, but it would be nice if there was an ejector seat when it all goes south like that.

Also, and maybe it's just me, but I think the hot weather makes us more sexually active.

It's very tricky the days the doubt feels like it outweighs the knowledge that we are not an X, Y, Z, and somehow "it's just a thought" just doesn't seem to cut it on those days.

Edited July 23, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Gloria123]

Do you also suffer from POCD?

It´s so hard because today the thoughts just were like Eric´s when he seemed convinced that the is gay...so I was almost sure that I´m attracted to kids

[Guest Sisyphus]

Do you also suffer from POCD?

It´s so hard because today the thoughts just were like Eric´s when he seemed convinced that the is gay...so I was almost sure that I´m attracted to kids

Oh I definitely do. Though it's not my main bag, but my mind seems to seize on just about whatever's available wherever I am, so if I'm around kids ... hey presto.

Oh no that's terrible - extreme doubt. I reckon that comes with enough time of your mind trying to test it and find evidence, capitalising on the coincidences. So if you're around kids all day on a hot day(when you're feeling generally more sexual anyway) then it's a minefield. I'm not at a place yet where I can really advise on how to deal with that Gloria.

But you have my synmpathy.

<< whoa surprise wasp attack>>

David.

[Guest Gloria123]

There were two situations that bothered me...the one boy put his tongue out of his mouth while he was writing something (it looked like darting) and maybe it was a association with kissing or oral sex or something that gave me the groinal response?

The second thing was the intrusive thoughts about the kids rubbing over my lap...maybe this is also a associating...if "anything" rubbs between your legs, it would feel nice/ gives you sexual pleasure, so maybe it was about the feeling itself but of course the fact WHO makes this rubbing doens´t gives me pleasure....so maybe the groinal response was just because of the thought of the feeling itself....but I imagined that a kid did it and I fear that it was this thought I enjoyed :(

[Guest Gloria123]

And again I fear that my false memory from a few month ago really is a fact

[Guest Sisyphus]

There were two situations that bothered me...the one boy put his tongue out of his mouth while he was writing something (it looked like darting) and maybe it was a association with kissing or oral sex or something that gave me the groinal response?

The second thing was the intrusive thoughts about the kids rubbing over my lap...maybe this is also a associating...if "anything" rubbs between your legs, it would feel nice/ gives you sexual pleasure, so maybe it was about the feeling itself but of course the fact WHO makes this rubbing doens´t gives me pleasure....so maybe the groinal response was just because of the thought of the feeling itself....but I imagined that a kid did it and I fear that it was this thought I enjoyed :(

Well Gloria, I guess this is one of those re-assurance situations I keep being told not to respond to!

I dunno. I mean, these things will keep coming up for us won't they. I suppose we just have to learn to know the difference and stop getting sucked into ruminating about it, stop the compulsions. But I think, depending where you are in your therapy, this can be a big ask unless you have the right head on your shoulders.

All I would say to you about that is that I truly think even people without OCD encounter these kind of overlapping awkward situations - e.g. kids on their lap, hands accidentally going somewhere they normally wouldnt. And you can just bet they have momentary horrifying thoughts about the what ifs as well. But the big difference seems to be they can easily rationalise through it and forget about it or dismiss it, whereas there's a danger we can get sucked into this doubt/rumination cycle. And regardless of the theme, that's what we have to address. How not to get sucked in. How to stop the habit.

Sorry if that's not a great response. I didn't wnat to re-assure but felt there was a point to make there as I suspect the initial doubt applies to all peope, not just OCD people.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Gloria123]

Thank you....well yes but my false memory is if I intentionally washed a boy with a washcloth downstairs, so I cannot rationalise it with "accidentally going there" etc....I just don´t know

[Guest Sisyphus]

Thank you....well yes but my false memory is if I intentionally washed a boy with a washcloth downstairs, so I cannot rationalise it with "accidentally going there" etc....I just don´t know

Oh no. I'm not sure how to approach false memories. I do get my mind try to twist past events and switch people round in my memories, but I do always deep down know the truth behind it, even though I am compelled to think it through regardless. But if you really don't feel you know in your heart whether something happened or not, Im not really sure what to advise on that one. Sorry Gloria. Are you seeing a therapist at all?

[Guest Gloria123]

So that means that you think that it really could have happened? :(
Yes I do

[Guest Sisyphus]

So that means that you think that it really could have happened? :(

Yes I do

Oh cmon Gloria - that's not fair is it? That's not what I said and that's not what I think.

If I'm right in my suspicion that you have OCD, then I would put money on it having not happened, but the fact of the situation is only you and whoever else was involved know if it happened. But if you have OCD and are reacting to it this way then I'd say it's a bloody good bet it did not.

But now we're going down that old re-assurance road aren't we which isn't going to do you any good long term.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I have to go out now.

Remember - it's the DOUBTing disease that you have here. It's scanning for coincidences and magical connections that are in reality meaningless. (Which is good news!)

Edited July 24, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Gloria123]

I hope, you are right.... :-/

[Guest Sisyphus]

I hope, you are right.... :-/

Me too Gloria.

[Guest Gloria123]

So you have doubts? About what?

[Guest Sisyphus]

So you have doubts? About what?

Nope never said I had any doubts. you're putting words in my mouth again there.

I don't know if you're aware of it but it feels like you, or rather your OCD, is setting traps here - desperately scanning, looking for cracks, seeking validation that you are the terrible thing you fear, the opposite you hate.

But how could I give you that validation? Simple fact is I was not there to witness this thing so I cannot comment either way. I couldn't if I wanted to could I? And I'm afraid no-one else can either.

So you have to abandon this re-assurance dead end and look to yourself and decide (a) whether you've got OCD, and if so then (b) whether this doubt is an OCD doubt about something you find abhorrent

That's gonna take a bit of a shift in thinking I'm afraid.

Are you currently having therapy Gloria?

Edited July 24, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Gloria123]

But isn´t it fact that if we would definetly know that we have ocd and that thougt x is definetly a ocd thought and that it´s not real etc. we wouldn´t suffer from ocd????

[Guest Sisyphus]

But isn´t it fact that if we would definetly know that we have ocd and that thougt x is definetly a ocd thought and that it´s not real etc. we wouldn´t suffer from ocd????

It's a valid point Gloria, and maybe your OCD is very different to mine but my OCD doesn't make me have terrible doubts about every last thing in life. No, just a constantly varying relatively small set of recurring things. So in my case I had no problem at all seeing that the behaviour I'd been exhibiting for at least the last 25 years of my life matched OCD very well and therefore there was a high chance I had it. Sure I've had the odd hiccup along the way, wondering if it's not OCD or whether Im beyond help - this seems common - but I quickly come back to the conclusion that these doubts are unfounded and I do in fact have OCD.

Now if you're tlelling me that your OCD/doubt is so bad that it effects everything and therefore you are incapable of matching your symptoms to those of OCD, or acknowledging that you have OCD, then that's a different proposition.

So is that what you are telling me Gloria?

Have you ever been diagnosed?

Again, are you receiving any therapy?

[Guest Gloria123]

I wouldn´t say that it effects everything but there is this memory from which I don´t know if it´s real or false....and I actually thought that this is the nature of ocd...

Yes, I am diagnosed with ocd/ intrusive thoughts

And yes, I´m still receiving cbt but it doesn´t help that much

[Guest Sisyphus]

I wouldn´t say that it effects everything but there is this memory from which I don´t know if it´s real or false....and I actually thought that this is the nature of ocd...

Yes, I am diagnosed with ocd/ intrusive thoughts

And yes, I´m still receiving cbt but it doesn´t help that much

Ah I'm sorry Gloria. I don't mean to be discompassionate. I'm just scared of getting sucked into a re-assurance game cos I've a feeling that might be partly fuelling this particular problem for you.

The points you raise are good ones - about "if we knew..." and "don't know if it's real or false".

This is difficult for me to comment on(NO THAT DOESN'T MEAN I THINK YOU DID THE BAD THING OK!) because I have to work on the basis I know the reality behnid my doubts. When that brainlock kicks in on a bad day, I may temporarily lose the ability to know what's the truth or not, but somehow I've seen it before and know what it is and *know* that I have temporarily lost the ability to tell what's real and what's not. And that kind of thing gives me a bit of leverage to try and look at it a different way, recognise it as OCD in the longrun, and fight it as such(though admittedly it's early days for all that).

But if you don't ever have that reference point of what's real/isn't then I'm not sure what to adivse. Whatever, I'm convinced the re-assurance thing is only going to be toxic for you and you need a more longterm strategy.

What did the therapist say to you when you explained that you genuinely don't know the truth behind these doubts? I'd be very interested in what they advised you there, as I've seen this come up before and I genuinely don't know what the answer is.

Edit: p.s. Im going outside now to attempt toread my OCD book for a bit.

Edited July 24, 2014 by Sisyphus

[Guest Gloria123]

Well I´m sorry but I don´t think that it´s good for me to go on talking to you. I don´t want to be cruel or something but it´s hard for me to hear you pointing out that you can remember and have the convincement that it´s ocd etc. whereas I can´t (which I actually thought is normal for ocd, Saz and other have similar problems)...

[Guest Sisyphus]

Well I´m sorry but I don´t think that it´s good for me to go on talking to you. I don´t want to be cruel or something but it´s hard for me to hear you pointing out that you can remember and have the convincement that it´s ocd etc. whereas I can´t (which I actually thought is normal for ocd, Saz and other have similar problems)...

OK Gloria. I tried my best. Adios.

[Guest Gloria123]

I know, thanks a lot for that!

Maybe it would be good if another one could write something, maybe somebody who has the same doubts etc.

[Guest jamie1989]

Gloria, I had this form of OCD for a couple of months before I knew what OCD was. It was terrifying. MY OCD then mutated and effected me in different ways. The nature of the thoughts aren't the issue;I've had worries I fancied family members, liked kids, was gay, was out of shape, will forget things. The one thing which is always the same is that compulsions/seeking reassurance, mental/physical checking will keep your OCD going.

From reading your posts, you do not like the thought of being attracted to children and are disgusted by the thought of acting on it. That's a safe bet that you suffer from intrusive thoughts and are not one of those terrible people. I know full well how difficult it is, but you need to sit with the uncertainty/anxiety and wait for it to dip. The more you do that the less you become reliant on compulsions and the easier it gets.

[Guest Gloria123]

I just don't know if I enjoy it or not. I fear that I am :-(

[Guest Saz]

Hi Gloria

Sorry your feeling bad, sounds like your in a bit of a panic at the moment. I am not in the best position to advise regarding false memories but what I will say is I also doubt the whole ocd thing and from what i read so do a lot of others on here. Isn't that the whole point of ocd? We doubt it so much.

I will also say that I have found when lots of people reply to my posts I end up getting confused and can actually sometimes end up feeling worse. This is the fault of no one else but my own because I over analyse the replies a bit too much and pick out the negative parts-or what I perceive to be negative. X