Jump to content

When things dont add up


Guest incessant washer

Recommended Posts

Guest incessant washer

Hi everyone

As I look down at the red soreness on my hands, I have decided finally to register on an OCD site.

Despite having treated others for OCD and being trained to do so, and having had therapy myself (plus therapy during training), NOT for OCD, I remain confused by my own OCD as it doesn't seem to add up.

I have a profound washing obsession. I wash everything - food packages before putting away in fridge/cupboards; handles, clothes that I have sat in : the car, any seats not in our home, and in our home that I can't clean eg, fabric or seams on them; I wash everything new, papers - statement's, books, the my android tablet, the guitar. Things I can't immerse in hot soapy water have to be able to be cleaned with kitchen roll, or clean clothes sprayed with lots of dettol.

I won't count how many times I wash my hands, I'm afraid of the number that it may be. My poor partner must be sick to death of me, he is so patient, but any arguments we have are ALWAYS about me asking "have you washed your hands; have you cleaned that" etc, etc.

I am in poor physical health so some may say that it makes sense to be protective, however, it doesn't add up that I would taste food that I was unsure of being fresh enough before giving it to my partner if I was worried about dirt affecting my health.

It doesnt add up also that I don't have any fearful thoughts such as "if I don't do this, X will happen". I don't feel compelled to wash because of a fear, I just cannot bear anything dirty. I would eat something dirty before I would let it anywhere near our bed, for example.

I would not put anything away in our 'clean' wardrobes that I have sat in an unwashable chair in. If I can't wash it, I dont buy it. I wouldn't borrow a book, have stopped going to the library for this reason.

I am spending hours washing things which makes me exhausted. I keep bleach, antibac, kitchen roll, tissues dettol - in business.

I mostly get away without most people seeing the extent of my problem as I touch as little as I can when I am out and always have an antibac spray/gel in my pocket or hidden up my sleeve.

When any friends visit, I wouldn't let them make a cup of tea or go into our cupboards, I wash everthing they have touched when they've left, clean the bathroom including handles, light switches, the towel rail, taps and change the towels. People want to help me out as my physical health is poor and I get exhausted very easily. Obviously, excessive cleaning is damaging my physical health as well now.

I have had this OCD for about 25 years and it is getting increasingly worse with me insisting on washing all the light switches before my partner gets a shower at the end of the day because he will have been sitting on 'dirty'chairs', touched remote controls with dirty hands, etc, or rested his hands on his 'dirty' clothes. (I clean remote controls and phones too).

I am familiar with OCD treatments but I feel beyond help as I'll never cope with exposure treatment, I would just hang on tiI I could wash my hands and clothes. I don't see me ever wanting to handle things that I consider to be dirty so I feel I can't be helped, but I can't stand how I am and how it affects my life.

I am trying to deal with my anxiety myself and am trying to use mindfulness but I am a huge mess and my life is becoming more narrowed by the day. I am very concerned about the impact it may be having on my partner.

I also can't see how CBT could help because I know a bit of dirt won't harm me, but I cannot bear dirty things. I know nothing bad will happen if I dont clean my hands or any item, but I just cannot stand the dirt. I'm not sure I can be helped. Good luck to everyone.

Edited by incessant washer
Link to comment

Welcome to the forum.

You have a choice. Either you stay stuck in the quagmire of cleaning you are presently in or you actively participate in Exposure and Response Prevention to teach yourself to accept things as they are (dirty or otherwise). That's your choices. Either put up with the way things are (which you have said are not great) or change your behavior.

Proper ERP would include, at the outset, writing out a list of compulsions you perform and then rating each compulsion on a scale of 1 to 10 as to how much anxiety would be created if you didn't do the compulsion. You'd start on the lower numbered items on the list and practice ERP, literally preventing yourself from performing the compulsion and sitting with the ensuing anxiety until it goes back down to a normal level. You'd have to do that over and over again until the exposure no longer raises your anxiety level. Then you'd go on to the next highest item on the list. And on and on.

Link to comment
I also can't see how CBT could help because I know a bit of dirt won't harm me

That's as may be........but what happens if you resist the compulsions, what do you feel? What emotions do you experience.

Despite having treated others for OCD and being trained to do so

Understanding the theory is the easy bit, advising the theory also........we need to address the practise of the theory and coping with the outfall when those compulsions are addressed. That's quite different when you're the one in the quagmire

Link to comment

First, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry that you are here in one sense because it means you are suffering. While I'm incredibly greatful that sites like this do exist, I wish they didn't HAVE to. So I'm also glad that you are here because I hope it can help.

Hi everyone

It doesnt add up also that I don't have any fearful thoughts such as "if I don't do this, X will happen". I don't feel compelled to wash because of a fear, I just cannot bear anything dirty. I would eat something dirty before I would let it anywhere near our bed, for example.

....

I also can't see how CBT could help because I know a bit of dirt won't harm me, but I cannot bear dirty things. I know nothing bad will happen if I dont clean my hands or any item, but I just cannot stand the dirt. I'm not sure I can be helped. Good luck to everyone.

I wanted to quote the two above sections because I think they include some important statements that it would be helpful to take a look at. So let's start with the first one. It's true that many people describe their OCD I'm the pattern you mention. The "If I don't do X, then Y will happen" pattern though doesn't have to be explicit for it to be there. In your case, based on your description, I think you could describe it as "If I don't keep things clean, I will feel intense anxiety and discomfort". That, believe it or not, is just as OCD as a person whose thought pattern is "If I don't repeat things 5 times, my family will be in danger".

At the core of OCD is doubt and anxiety. Sometimes the source of doubt and resulting anxiety are obvious, but sometimes the doubt or uncertainty can be less specific, less easily identified. With OCD we engage in compulsive behaviors in an ultimately futile attempt to alleviate that anxiety and distress we feel. Sometimes the compulsion is related to the fear, but other times it's not. How can doing things in fives possibly prevent harm? But you do it, you get temporary relief, so you keep doing it. Regardless, it's still OCD.

Moving on to the second point, it's actually quite typical that people who suffer from OCD are fully aware that what we fear is illogical. OCD isn't a problem of acceptance and logic. God I wish it was, I could have moved past it years ago. No, the problem with OCD is that despite all the logic in the world, all the reason, explanation and proof, you can STILL feel doubt. It's like being hungry no matter how much food you eat. The solution isn't just to keep eating right? When it comes to OCD, CBT isn't about accepting logic, it's about accepting doubt. Take your case for example, it's not about accepting that it is unlikely to hurt you, it's about accepting that things can be dirty AND you'll feel ok.

Now I fully get that right now that idea is scary to you, probably downright terrifying, that it seems unlikely to you that you'll ever be ok with things being dirty. And perhaps it's true, perhaps you won't be ok with it. But evidence suggests that it's likely with the right approach and probably some help, you can improve, you can at least reduce, the impact that the OCD has on your life. It definitely won't happen overnight, it will take time, hard work, and patience. But then think of how much time and energy has gone in to reinforcing these behaviors over the years, changing such deeply ingrained behaviors would reasonably take time and effort.

Can CBT and ERP help you? Studies have shown that when it comes to OCD, yes they very likely can, but only if you are willing to give it a chance. PolarBear mentions this above but I'll repeat, it's about making a choice, whether you want to keep doing things the way that you are, knowing that things won't chnage for the better if you do, or if you dislike that idea enough to be willing to try something new, something that at least offers something different. Youll have to be ready to make the choice, but it doesn't sound like you have to do it alone, and that can be a big help. I hope that you're willingness to take this first step of joining the forum, making a post and reaching out for help will be one you can look back at down the road as a turning point in your battle. OCD can be beat and I definitely believe the fight is worth it.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...