I'm new, do I really have HOCD?

[lonelygirl91]

I've had OCD about my sexuality for so many years. I'm a 23 year old female and this started five years ago, when I was 18. I always considered myself straight and was always into boys, but a friend told me he was gay and it got me questioning myself for some reason. At first I thought it would be cool to be bi because it seemed so fashionable and I was curious what it would be like to kiss a girl. I started going from thinking it would be cool to be bi, to what if I'm a lesbian and I started questioning myself and worrying about it. I got my first boyfriend and I started thinking what if I'm a lesbian, but then I really grew to like him and it kind of went away. We didn't date for long and I took the break up really hard.

A few months after the break up I was drunk and I got with this girl. This was 4 years ago when I was 19. Ever since then I became so depressed and worried about my sexuality. I freaked out afterwards and was upset, but I wrote on yahoo that I enjoyed getting with the girl, but I can't remember. I was really drunk and confused. I remember the day after I was really upset and confused and scared I was a lesbian? I feel so anxious and depressed thinking about what happened with the girl; the greatest anxiety is thinking that I "enjoyed" that incident. I keep analysing what happened in my head. I'll post the link I posted on yahoo after the thing with the girl happened.

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110319125147AAqNyZu

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110318204440AAS9ixP

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110319163846AAgc5b2

I know this really proves that im at least bi, but I don't want to be bi either.

this is a post two months after it happened

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110515070123AAbEzCl

Sorry for all the links. Ever since I've obsessed about my sexuality and it's made me so depressed and anxious. The idea of being with or getting with a girl makes me feel anxious, depressed and makes me want to kill myself. I know that there's nothing wrong with being with a girl and that my family and friends and others around me would accept me, but the idea of being with a girl fills me with dread. I keep thinking what if I'm denial and I really enjoyed that experience and am not interested in men?

I've always had crushes on guys growing up but I keep analysing my past and doubting if my crushes on guys were ever real. I've always wanted a boyfriend, but unfortunately I've never had much luck with guys as they only want one thing and they don't take me seriously. I get really upset and low when I get rejected by a guy.

What makes me think I'm a lesbian is that the times I've had sex have been one nights stands or when I have had sex sober I wasn't really into the guy that much and didn't enjoy it much. When I've had one night stands I don't remember much, but I have gotten with guys who I don't find attractive sober, but I'm all over them when drunk because I get horny. I don't have one night stands anymore, very rarely because I want a guy to treat me properly. I think going to an all girls school also has contributed to my ocd about sexuality, because I craved the company of boys and my school was very strict and didn't like us being around boys. Plus I didn't have any friends and didn't get a chance to meet any boys.

I keep mentally testing sexual scenarios with a female in my mind and this causes me a lot of distress and anxiety. I feel helpless and I feel like I want to die especially when it seems like I could enjoy doing stuff with a female when I test it in my mind. I spend so long mentally testing that it takes over my life and it wastes so much time. I'm so scared that I could want to do stuff with a girl again and worse, enjoy it. I don't think I'd be able to go through with doing stuff with a girl again, even if very drunk.

Do I sound like I have ocd? I hope I'm not bi either. Do I sound bi?

I also have had other ocd themes like ocd about being a paedo and fears about my health. I also go through phases where I feel a lot better and phases where my OCD really flares up and I feel so distressed and on edge, like I can't stop analysing about that thing with the girl and I keep mentally testing and it seems like I could enjoy doing stuff with a girl!

[Symps07]

Hi lonelygirl91,

Welcome to the forum!

From what you have written, it's sounds very much like OCD.

Your thoughts of whether or not you are a lesbian appears to be your obsession, & the constant reassurance seeking are very much compulsions (very common where sexuality is concerned).

Analysing, constantly questioning, going over things again & again, is pretty much rumination, which is a mental compulsion.

I would suggest that you take a look on the OCD UK website & take a look at what OCD is & the various types. I'd also recommend that if it is causing you distress, as it seems to be , then go & see your GP & tell then that you think you have OCD. They should refer you to see your local mental health service & from there you'll be able to get support & guidance to deal with your OCD.

I hope this helps to put your mind at rest somewhat :original:

Symps :original:

Edited February 17, 2015 by Symps07

[lonelygirl91]

Thanks for your post Symps07! I know quite a lot about OCD and I have been diagnosed with it but this is just ongoing and I constantly worry that im a lesbian or bi. I feel as though I'm at my wits ends. What type of OCD do you suffer from?

[Symps07]

At the moment it's mainly to do with religion & morality. But I had/have various themes (contamination, hurting people, checking, etc...) & was in therapy for intrusive thoughts to do with thinking I was a pedophille, so I can relate with you being confused with your sexuality.

It's not nice to deal with, but trying to control you worrying helps, not allowing your thoughts to run away with you or let your fears get on top of you.

[PolarBear]

I answered the other post you started in the main forum.

[lonelygirl91]

what worries me is that i said i enjoyed doing stuff with that girl when i was drunk and i was disappointed i didn't hear from her! the thought that i enjoyed it makes me so anxious. i cant remember much from that night. can you "enjoy" stuff when drunk that you wouldn't enjoy sober? i hate the idea that i could have enjoyed it. can your memory play tricks on you in term of thinking you "enjoyed" something, especially when drunk; i was very distressed and confused after that incident with that girl. i sound like im in denial. i dont want to be bi either.

on the other hand im really stressed because im worried that i'll never find the right guy. ive signed up on tinder and most of the guys on there are just after one thing and it makes me sad that guys can't be more respectful and im worried i'll never find a guy who i fancy and who is kind and nice to me.

also i cant stop mentally testing scenarios with a girl in my head!

[Symps07]

Alcohol does loosen your inhibitions, & I'm sure many people on here have done things that they thought were funny or enjoyable whilst under the influence, that they've later come to regret (myself included.) As for sexual experiences, just think how many people experiment with the same sex whilst drunk! or have affairs or one night stands.

The problem is, your OCD will attach more meaning to it than is really there.

When it comes to Tinder, I don't know much about this site, but if it's full of the wrong type of person, I would give it up. There are plenty of decent men out there, & you have time on your side, so why rush?

As for the mentally testing, try not to give into the compulsion, when the thought pops into your head, try to distract yourself, think of something else, listen to music, talk to someone, etc...