Hi - OCD and ROCD

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

Hi everyone,

I'm 25 and have suffered with OCD for several years - it inititally started as a teenager.
It is now manifesting in my two-year long relationship and I feel like I am going crazy.

I constantly worry about if I love my boyfriend and if we should be together and these thoughts are so painful to me. I get upset around him, I cry in work, on the train - anywhere.

In the last couple of months these thoughts and feelings have got worse and I am constantly seeking re-assurance online (looking up articles etc), asking my parents for support and seeking re-assurance from my boyfriend.

I feel like I am having the life sucked out of me - It is draining me of all enjoyment of life and spending time with my boyfriend is becoming painful because of the thoughts I have. I can't just enjoy the time I have with him, I am constantly analysing - do I really love him? Do I want to be with him?

I'm scared and frightened about the future. I feel so alone.

Help x

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

More info - my OCD includes checking taps, car hand break, light switches multiple times. Having to do things a certain number of times (4 times normally - or multiples of it), Re-reading things I have written or read, colours mean good or bad things, painful, negative thoughts etc.
I have been suffering for some time and I have been referred by my Doctor but the local team were not very helpful for me and I was basically passed back to my GP. I am stuck in a vicious cycle and nobody seems to be able to help. I have had anxiety medication but that gave me a load of side-effects including hallucinations.
I feel like I am at the end of my tether. My OCD is ruining one of the best things that ever happened to me! I hate myself for it.

Please, please help!

[Guest gracelouise123]

Hey Rachel! I'm 17 and I'm called Grace. I'm also fairly new to this forum. I suffer from ROCD as well, and it's eating me alive, I know exactly how you feel! Reading your post has helped me in a weird way, as it's reassuring to see that someone out there is feeling the exact same way as you. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, and the exact same thing has happened. It hurts talking to him because I constantly wonder if I actually want to be with him. Having OCD is like having an internal bully, contradicting every single thing you thought you felt. What helps me and what i've learnt (I hope this helps you too) is that OCD is a 'fear'. you obsess over the things that scare you the most. E.g. In our situation, not being with our partners is something that is scary, and perhaps something that our heart deeply fears and will go to lengths to stop it from happening. The fact that it bothers you so much shows that you care, and the same with me. I hope I've helped you even slightly, but you should look into CBT and relaxation therapy. All the best, Grace x

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

Grace, you've no idea how relieved your post made me feel. I am comforted to know I am not alone. My boyfriend has spent the evening at my

House and just left. All the time these upsetting intrusive thoughts came into my head while he was here. I got upset in front of him and he told me it would be ok in the end. I don't want him thinking I'm crazy. So far he has been very supportive when I have talked about my OCD and the thoughts ive had about us. It is driving me crazy. I don't know where my OCD ends and I begin anymore! I can't tell what I really think and feel because the ROCD is twisting it all I've booked a drs appt so I hope I can be referred to some sort of therapy. Counselling thus far hasn't helped- I definitely need something to target OCD in particular. Thank you for your support.

We'll get through this- all of us together x

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

Grace, you've no idea how relieved your post made me feel. I am comforted to know I am not alone. My boyfriend has spent the evening at my

House and just left. All the time these upsetting intrusive thoughts came into my head while he was here. I got upset in front of him and he told me it would be ok in the end. I don't want him thinking I'm crazy. So far he has been very supportive when I have talked about my OCD and the thoughts ive had about us. It is driving me crazy. I don't know where my OCD ends and I begin anymore! I can't tell what I really think and feel because the ROCD is twisting it all I've booked a drs appt so I hope I can be referred to some sort of therapy. Counselling thus far hasn't helped- I definitely need something to target OCD in particular. Thank you for your support.

We'll get through this- all of us together x

[Guest gracelouise123]

Seeing your post relieved me! Knowing that there was someone else! It's such a weight off of my chest! I'm glad I could help. I spoke to my boyfriend also, and he has been nothing but supportive as well. I feel bad bringing it up, because it's so hard to word it...like 'I love you but i've been questioning my feelings for you all of the time but I think it's my OCD'. Like if I was on the receiving end of those words I'd be slightly thrown. However it seems we are both blessed to have understanding and lovely partners, who support us through our condition. What you said about not knowing where you stop and your OCD starts, is one of the best ways of wording how it feels. It's like you can't differentiate between what feelings are yours and what your OCD is telling you. Absolute bang on wording there. But treatment DOES help, i've only been in CBT for 8-9 weeks, and already I can see an small improvement. I do hope the treatment works out for you this time. Stay strong and we should stay in contact! We will get through this x

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

I feel awful everytime I get upset in front of him but I don't want to push him away - I want him to know what I'm going through. I feel horrible for doing it though - as you said it's so hard to word! If he said that to me I would freak out because I am such an insecure person. I constantly seek re-assurance. I want things to be perfect (that's OCD for you!) and this is far from perfect at the moment!

Yes - I really cannot tell where my feelings end and what the OCD is telling me. I'm encouraged to see that your treatment is helping you. I really hope that the Dr can refer me to someone more helpful this time as the referral I had previously did not help - I was brushed off 'Oh it's just some OCD tendencies, everyone has them....'!! I was devastated! I accessed a counselling service through work and it helped a little but I have no further sessions and things seem to have gotten ten times worse lately.

Finding everything so hard - work, family relationships etc. I literally cannot stop myself thinking about my boyfriend though - instead of feeling excitement and happiness at the thought of him, I'm going in to panic because I think there is something wrong.

Fingers crossed my appointment tomorrow gives me the outcome I want. I'll keep you posted!

I hope today is a good day for you. Thinking of you! x

[Guest gracelouise123]

I'm exactly the same, I find when other people say 'Grace it's obvious you love him, we know you do' it feels better. But then 5 minutes later I'm back to square one! CBT teaches you how to detach any meaning you give to obsessions. The thoughts we get about our obsessions will still be there, but we learn to eliminate the anxiety and meaning. There is no cure for OCD, however we can all recover and achieve inner peace and happiness. I hope this helps and that your day is good! Keep me posted x

[Guest Rachel_OJ]

I know exactly what you mean - People say what a great couple we are and can see how much we love each other. And then my intrusive thoughts come along and strip all that away leaving me with doubt and panic!

I really am desperate for therapy now so fingers crossed.

Yes - you have no idea how much you are helping me. Just knowing someone understands is a great comfort.

Will do x