What to do

[Guest Allalone]

I know I am not the kindest of people but I want to be better, I really really do. I lack empathy, have odd thoughts, have done things and thought things in the past which aren't nice. I think a lot of my thoughts are centred around me wanting to be loved and popular with people. I just dunno who I am anymore though :-( I literally just exist and find life hard to enjoy :-( I feel totally stuck and can't free myself from my head.

The latest thing which tipped me over the edge was hearing that my brother's gf might be pegnant and I was jealous because we have been trying for a baby but haven't had any luck. Why can't I just be happy for people? :-(

I just can't bare how awful some of my thoughts have been too in previous years. They have been really really bad and I feel like I am just going to go to Hell :'( I am frightened, scared and very lonely in my head. It's like I just want bad things to happen :-( please help x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi all alone, sorry to hear you're suffering at the moment. Don't have time to properly reply right now but I can really empathise with this, I have had very similar thoughts and worries and took me a loooong time to move past it - but I did! The key is to treat these thoughts about being a bad person, or these " unkind" thoughts or whatever, like any other intrusive thought. Don't analyse them, don't monitor them, don't comb over then trying to work out what they mean. Just let them be there as the mental garbage they are x

[Guest Allalone]

Thanl you gingerbreadgirl. You are always so kind to me. I really appreciate it.

What I am struggling with is that I know some of these thoughts aren't intrusive because they are what I felt at the time. Do you see what I mean? My jealousy and envy is me. I don't think I can blame my ocd for this part of my personality.

Like I want to be best friends with people but they already have a best friend and when they weren't getting on it was like I was glad so I could be their friend and they wanted me. Do you see what I mean? I am totally totally selfish. Hate myself :-( x x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi all alone - the original thoughts are not OCD ( we all get thoughts like that - just most people gloss over them) but analysing them and so on is an OCD compulsion x

[Guest Allalone]

Ahh I understand. I obsess over them which is the ocd. The thing is I don't want to think them or feel them in the first place. When I think/feel something unkind I immediately feel regret and feel ashamed. I need to change who I am but how? I want to be a nice, kind, empathetic person. Not a nasty, selfish person.

Do you see what I mean? Thank you so much for being so supportive. X x

[Guest Allalone]

Ps it is good to hear that other people get thoughts like these.

I now obsess about these thoughts and if I am going to get thoughts like this which tends to make me get more thoughts like that. I also don't like being told bad news as I am worried about how I will feel and if I am going to be able to empathise x x

[Guest jayjay89]

Hey,

Unfortunately you can't stop feelings - we are born with the capacity to feel a range of emotions, positive and negative. What matters is your actions. If you are jealous or angry etc with someone that is natural and normal and not a problem. If you take that emotion and use it as an excuse to treat the person poorly, then that is something that you can work on - no one is perfect!

[Guest Allalone]

You would never know that I get these feelings as I hide them well. In fact people say to me that I am such a nice person and that I am lovely. I would never treat people badly and am very considerate if people's feelings. I therefore think I am a fake person x x

[Guest jayjay89]

You think you are a fake person because you are nice to people, but you experience negative emotions? I disagree with that idea completely, because actions prove the merit of your character, that's how others can judge you. If you could see in my head you would think I'm a monster. But I still love and care about people and want to help where I can! Am I a bad and fake person because sometimes I'm jealous of my friends, or because I am nice to people I don't like? Or am I just a person, like everyone else, finding my way through this world?

[Guest Allalone]

You would never know that I get these feelings as I hide them well. In fact people say to me that I am such a nice person and that I am lovely. I would never treat people badly and am very considerate if people's feelings. I therefore think I am a fake person x x

[Guest jayjay89]

I feel like you didn't digest what I said at all lol. Since you just posted the same comment as well.

People say I am lovely, caring, sweet, etc. at the same time i am thinking about pushing them infront of a bus...... I'm not a fake person, because I (so far) haven't pushed anyone into a bus lol

[Guest Allalone]

Thank you JayJay. Your words have been a comfort to me. I would never think you were a bad person because of the thoughts in your head if you were nice and caring towards people.

I can still be nicer and less selfish though which I am gonna strive to be

[Guest Allalone]

Lol JayJay...I accidentally went back on my phone and it sent it again. Hehe. Oops x

[Guest jayjay89]

And there is nothing wrong with striving to be a better person, you just have to be careful to do it for the right reasons and not to try and make yourself feel better (then it's just another compulsion)

Good luck!

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi allalone. I have a lot to say on this subject and I think (hope) my experience with this might help you but I am sooo pushed for time right now ( moving house!) - Give this thread a bump to remind me if I don't remember tomorrow! Hope you're ok x

[Guest Allalone]

Thank you guys. I really appreciate you taking your time to reply to me.

Gingerbread girl...good luck with your move x x

Being a good person will be good for everyone so win win all round. I know it will make me feel better and others around me will benefit. Less of the selfish thoughts from me (here's hoping). I just hope I can move on from the past x

[Franklin12]

I have definitely had all these thoughts. I wish I were a genuinely nicer person who didn't get jealous or inpatient with people but over the years I have come to terms with that being my natural character. What I have learned, however, is to act like a nicer person. And it's so much better to act nice, it's really rewarding. So if I'm jealous of something someone has done, instead of making a little comment that takes the shine off their achievement, I'm just really frank, say well done and in a nice way tell them I'm so jealous. I don't think it's being fake to say nice things even if you don't entirely feel them. Its natural to experience 'not nice' emotions towards people, but it's not very helpful to express them. So I would say don't stress about those feelings, a huge proportion of people also feel them. It's how you act that's important.

Edited November 16, 2014 by Franklin12

[Guest Allalone]

Thanks Franklin12, that is really good advice. I think it's part of my character too but I always act nice towards people so I guess that's what counts. Being nice is rewarding that's for sure. I just wish I didn't get the stupid feelings of envy etc :-( I also wish I didn't make such a big deal out of them too :-( Hard when you are locked inside your head xx

[Guest Allalone]

Just giving this thread a bump up as gingerbreadgirl was going to reply :-)

Not been the best of days. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am ruminating a lot which is not helpful either.x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi allalone

Sorry I was meaning to get back to you before now but the day ran away with me!

Ok so a bit about me... I can empathise with every single word you've said because once upon a time it all applied to me, and it was what drove me to get therapy before I knew anything about OCD. It was labelled as low self esteem but it's now clear to me it's different.

I analysed every single thought I had, and monitored by internal chatter for evidence that I was a " bad person" - and I found plenty! I found myself thinking all kinds of unkind, ungenerous, jealous thoughts. I would read sad news stories and be completely unmoved by them - yet more " evidence" that I was a terrible person. I would look in the mirror and really hate myself, I even became convinced I was a psychopath at one point. When I was a teenager I started obsessing over whether I would be "sad enough" if my parents died and started obsessively imagining it to check my feelings for an appropriate amount of grief and so on ( and of course, the more I tried to force a particular feeling, the less I found it, which reinforced my theory that I was a terrible person). I remember looking at pictures of myself as a baby and thinking I was bad even then, and that I shouldn't have been born, and so on.

Like you, I behaved in quite a kind and thoughtful manner to others, but my behaviour didn't seem to match my internal character which made me feel fake. Things got pretty bad.

I got therapy a few years ago. I told the therapist all the things I felt and she got me to do standard CBT such as: listing my good points, asking others for feedback, identifying my automatic thoughts and core beliefs etc. Looking back, it didn't really help because I don't think it was a self esteem problem ( at least that was the secondary problem) but OCD, and analysing it wasn't doing me any good.

Ok so fast forward to now. I'm pleased to say I've pretty much nipped this problem in the bud, and here's what I did ( over a VERY long period of time - it didn't work over night!)

- I accepted that thoughts are just that: thoughts. They are electrical firings in the brain. If I think "God I hate that person" or " I could really harm that person" or "i hate them for being happy" or anything else - it means nothing. Thoughts are meaningless. Actions are what count.

- I accepted that everyone has mean, horrible, unkind thoughts - we're all human. The difference is those people don't analyse those thoughts. They forget about them.

- I accepted that the problem is NOT the thoughts, the problem is how I react to them. Namely, analysing, ruminating, checking and so on. I had to give them up cold turkey - despite the anxiety I felt.

- most significantly for me, I accepted that basically there's no such thing as a good or bad person. We all basically do whatever seems best at the time given the resources, knowledge, experience etc we have at the time. This acceptance gave me the space to accept and forgive myself, no matter what.

- I stopped evaluating myself and my thoughts, even if the temptation was really strong.

- I started treating myself with more compassion, I looked after myself better, and kept an eye on my critical internal chatter.

- this one is kind of weird, but I realised I basically didn't see myself as really " existing" the way other people do. I needed the validation of other people to justify my opinions, decisions and so on. I started validating myself - to the extent that I wrote things down like " my name is... I am real, I matter, I count". And so on. This really helped me.

Ok so those are the things I did and still do now, but the key is to do them over a long period of time, consistently, even when it's really hard.

I hope this helps a bit. I just wanted to share my experience as I can identify with so much of what you say and I thought I would never feel differently - but I do now. There's a way through x

[Guest Allalone]

Gingerbread girl...thank you so so much. This has really really helped me. I feel like I have finally found someone who understands me and it has brought tears to my eyes. Would you mind if I sent you another private message to talk a few things through? You are very very helpful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart x x

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi allalone

I'm so pleased it's helped. I could see myself in so much of what you've said. I'm happy for you to pm me but I know the admins are keen for things to be kept on the forum so they can maybe help others as well - maybe we could chat here, if you're happy to? X

[Guest Allalone]

Of course. Happy to chat on here if you are :-)

Will post later on x x

[Guest Allalone]

Been feeling weird the last two days. Had some bad news about someone I know but there's something inside me which is saying to me that I find it funny. I really don't find it funny! I think it's my obsession with empathy. I keep going over the news in my head and keep trying to imagine how she feels. It's very odd. Xx

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi all alone

This is really common. OCD is taunting you.

Try to resist the urge to go over the news in

your head - that's a compulsion. Try and do something else to distract yourself. Just leave the thoughts alone - don't try and work out what you feel and why, just leave it alone, don't try and answer these questions Xx