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I can't, I'm sorry, but I just can't!


Guest HeadAboveWater

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Guest HeadAboveWater

I seriously cannot accept that these thoughts are just OCD. For the past two days I have had POCD thoughts that feel so real I just can't seem to see how they are OCD. I even sometimes feel like I am agreeing with the thoughts, like maybe I really would be interested in sexual acts like that. It is sickening and disturbs me but at the same time it feels like I am having feelings and urges because of the sexual ideas in the thoughts.

I don't get it!

My therapist said that it is all OCD. No matter what emotional feelings, physical sensations, thoughts or urges are coming up - she said they are all part of how I conditioned myself due to my over valuing of my thoughts. I can't seem to accept that though. I will get a thought of a naked intimate situation with these POCD thoughts and then I will have this reaction like, ''no, I don't want that'' but then it will feel like ''maybe I really would enjoy it, maybe even more than with my husband or any other men''(and I get these feelings like I really would). I then can't get the thoughts out of my mind, they just linger there and I get groinal responses that literally sometimes make me feel like I want to have sex or like I want to masturbate. I have never masturbated to the thoughts and I would kill myself if I ever did. I also have often avoided sex with my husband due to fear of the thoughts popping in.

This is probably the 5th time I have posted in the past few weeks about this same thing but I am REALLY struggling with this theme still. I just don't understand these emotional feelings or urges! How did I go my whole life without having these feelings and thoughts and now for nearly the past year I am completely plagued with them and I feel like such a bad, sick person now. But at the same time I get thoughts that feel like I am agreeing with these things.

HELP! Please, help.

Edited by HeadAboveWater
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Hi, look I can't answer anything when it comes to pocd as fortunately it's never been one of my themes but I do have harm ocd and like you I get urges and thoughts that I'm agreeing with it and want to do it, so yes ocd is a monster that can definitely make you feel that way. All I can say is that you have been diagnosed with ocd so that's what you have, nothing more and you need to accept that's what it is and it can make you feel this way. God knows I know it's not easy but that's what you need to do to move on. Take care

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Guest HeadAboveWater

Hi, look I can't answer anything when it comes to pocd as fortunately it's never been one of my themes but I do have harm ocd and like you I get urges and thoughts that I'm agreeing with it and want to do it, so yes ocd is a monster that can definitely make you feel that way. All I can say is that you have been diagnosed with ocd so that's what you have, nothing more and you need to accept that's what it is and it can make you feel this way. God knows I know it's not easy but that's what you need to do to move on. Take care

But honestly, Carlleo.... how do I just accept it and move on?

For a few weeks I was doing good. I was able to actually see how the OCD was working in my brain to cause these feelings and urges and I could see that they were false messages.... now I am feeling like I am back at square one. I just can't accept it and move on. The thoughts, feelings and urges just linger in my head throughout the day and I end up feeling like a creep, a liar, a fake, a bad, evil person. I can't ignore that!

Plus, the past week I haven't even had any urges to sleep with my husband.... but yet I am still having groinal responses to these thoughts!

My brain is telling me that maybe I would like it because I have never done it before and because it is taboo and wrong. And then it feels like I am agreeing with those thoughts... but at the same time I don't know!

Edited by HeadAboveWater
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I know how you feel and as I said it's not easy, it's what I'm trying to do at the moment, but when you do try to accept and just let the thoughts be there it is the start towards recovery really, but ocd will fight back, it is with me as I write this. It's about living with the uncertainty, as I've discovered to my detriment you can never get certainty, you just have to try and live as if it is ocd and hope for the best really if that makes sense. Sorry I can't be more help, but one thing I have discovered from these boards is that however bad your feeling, you are definitely not alone

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Guest HeadAboveWater

I know I am not alone. Though, sometimes I feel like I am and that no one's OCD or POCD, for that matter, is exactly the same and therefore, maybe it is different and I am really all alone in this. Like, I will read others posts on POCD and I think, OMG that is just like me and I can see that they are suffering from OCD. But I find some little differences or I convince myself that they have OCD but I probably do not. I wish I could just believe that it is OCD once and for all and stop letting the thoughts overwhelm me and make me feel like a horrible, sick person.

Thank you for your help, Carlleo. It might seem like I am not hearing what you are saying or what others have said to me on this forum but I really am trying to take it on board... it just doesn't seem to stick for very long.

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Guest HeadAboveWater

And to make matters worse, I just had a huge trigger!

I was looking for some bubble baths and bath salts online to stock up for the winter and I there were pictures of kids in some of the bubble bath ad's and these kids were naked and I got a groinal response and felt like if I would be attracted to them! I don't know if it was real or if it was just because of the OCD patterns that I have created in my brain (as my therapist says). I felt like I was thinking and feeling sexual about them!

This is destroying me!

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Right I'll tell you something now, every time I look at my 2 year old son I get a sensation in my arm like I'm going to punch him, now you would probably say that I'm getting that because I'm probablylooking for that sensation. That's what's probably happening to you as well, you think you'll get that sensation so what happens?

I've been getting that sensation all day, but usually I will test myself or I'll ask for reassurance. Today I'm going to trust myself and sit with my arm around my son and play with him. Will it all blow up in my face, I don't know but I'm going to have to start taking risks if I ever want to get any better. So that's kind of what I'm saying to you, you need to start treating it like it is ocd and hope that is is then you should improve hopefully. Hope that makes sense, I ramble sometimes

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Guest HeadAboveWater

I get it but does your physical sensation happen automatically, like the very second you see your son!?

Do you really think this could be OCD if it is happening automatically, sometimes without even realizing that I have been triggered?

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Do you really think this could be OCD if it is happening automatically, sometimes without even realizing that I have been triggered?

Absolutely. OCD has wired your brain so it sees this issue as a huge, mortal threat of the highest order. Because it is wired like this, it is constantly on the lookout for anything related to this that and will spot it before you're even consciously aware of it, kicking in the usual reactions almost instantly - just like a caveman would instantly spot a tiger that's chasing him, because he sees it as a mortal threat. you need to train your brain not to see this as a threat and unfortunately that can only happen slowly. You need to be patient and stick to your guns even though it seems so real.

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Guest HeadAboveWater

Absolutely. OCD has wired your brain so it sees this issue as a huge, mortal threat of the highest order. Because it is wired like this, it is constantly on the lookout for anything related to this that and will spot it before you're even consciously aware of it, kicking in the usual reactions almost instantly - just like a caveman would instantly spot a tiger that's chasing him, because he sees it as a mortal threat. you need to train your brain not to see this as a threat and unfortunately that can only happen slowly. You need to be patient and stick to your guns even though it seems so real.

What do you mean by ''kicking in the usual reactions almost instantly''? Do you mean like, when I am faced with a trigger - my mind will automatically bring up sexual thoughts, sexual feelings (as if I am thinking and seeing the kids in a sexual way), the groinal response and these anxious feelings to avoid the trigger?

I have been trying to stick to my guns... I just cannot cope with how real it is.... I feel like I am losing my attraction to my husband and to men in general. It is so devastating and I feel so sick and sad about it and yet at the same time I am just feeling numb and nothing at all. :(

Edited by HeadAboveWater
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I get it but does your physical sensation happen automatically, like the very second you see your son!?

Do you really think this could be OCD if it is happening automatically, sometimes without even realizing that I have been triggered?

Yeah, the second I see him or if I'm really anxious when I walk past anyone. It's then the thoughts kick in ans then I end up in a vicious circle. Your in fight or flight basically so your body reacts, my thoughts are violent yours are sexual. At the end of the day the primitive part of your brain doesnt know the context of the thoughts just the general gist of them, so the subconscious thinks it's reacting appropriately, it's just consciously we know it's wrong, so we give it too much time and attention, so the thoughts become stronger, the subconscious once again reacts to them and your in a vicious circle, an somehow you need to break the loop

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Guest HeadAboveWater

Yes that's exactly what I mean ( sorry I didn't word it very well :) )

Sorry you're feeling so awful. But there really is a way out, even if it doesn't feel like it x

But really, it feels like I am thinking these naked images or sexual images that pop in my head are sexually attractive in some way! I don't know if it is caused by the OCD! A sexual thought or a naked kid will pop in my head and I will think that I am thinking of it like as if I like it or something! But I never did before! At least I don't remember ever having these thoughts!! Before, I was only attracted towards men and only men my age or older!

How can it be?

Is it really just the association that my brain makes towards typical normal ''sexual images'' and pictures of anything naked or sexual in general????!!!

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Guest HeadAboveWater

This is ruminating, unfortunately it will only make it worse and worse :( you need to just step back and allow the feelings and the anxiety and the crippling doubt and all of it just play out in your head without intervening in any way x

But the pictures keep popping in my head and it feels like something sexual!

Is that ruminating when it feel like a real thought/feeling!????

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Guest Saracen88

is that what i think it is? lol..... if so, yes... i am in complete agreement!

Yes, mate that's exactly what i think it is because i have the exact same problem. Once I stop trying to do compulsions to combat these thoughts they seem to die down and reduce in frequency and intensity. It is very hard work with all the doubt and guilt but believe it's your OCD even if it feels like it isnt. Your mind is just so used to going down that 'well worn path' that it seems automatic.

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You are on a dangerous path, HeadAboveWater. You are doing all the wrong things at the moment and they will only make the situation worse.

You are seeking reassurance. You are doubting this is OCD, which is causing you to ruminate. You are performing compulsions like crazy because you are letting OCD win.

You will not find someone exactly like you. Stop trying to find yourself and stop comparing yourself to others. Take a leap of faith and believe this is all OCD and do the steps necessary to overcome it.

This is OCD because you are performing compulsions. Identify those compulsions and work hard to resist them.

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Head above water, I undertand. It's hard but it is OCD. I was having this problem but it's better now. You have to calm down and take a step back. Look at all the things in your life, all the positive things about your character and realise that this is all lies. Then start to try and accept the 'feeling' is there but just think it's not important. When you think that every time and move your mind on, your body will stop reacting. Because it's not real or true. Xx

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Guest HeadAboveWater

..... I just wanna cry. Earlier I did end up crying because I just can't take this anymore. I don't want these thoughts/sensations anymore. They are devastating me and making me wonder if I am even who I think I am. Also, I feel bad for my husband because it feels like maybe I am just lying to him. I love him but it is making me feel like I actually don't!

Also, I keep getting these thoughts that are saying ''maybe you would really like it because it is taboo and wrong and that would be the turn on because it would be more exciting''. I can't figure out if this is a true thought or not but it feels like maybe it could be! My husband and I have had our ''dirty'' sex together and we enjoyed that and now it feels like maybe I would enjoy these POCD acts because it is taboo. It feels real! It is torturing me because I almost feel like I am agreeing with the thoughts.

I am reading my OCD workbook and trying to find a way to stop ruminating and do what you all are saying and what my therapist says but it just feels real and I can't focus on treating it as OCD at the moment.

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Guest HeadAboveWater

I know I have OCD. I have had many themes in the past 15 years with it..... but this just doesn't seem the same. It feels like it has blown up into something else!

I know I should do what others are saying, ''treat it like OCD''. But.... I guess, I just can't understand the reactions I am having on the thoughts and images. Sometimes I feel like maybe I think these images are sexy or if I am attracted to them! My husband, my therapist and all of you seem to think it is OCD and can see the OCD pattern but I just don't understand how OCD can make these things feel true! I feel like I will never go back to normal of how I thought of kids before and how I felt about my husband. It's so horrible!!!

How is it that your brain can make you think that you find something sexually attractive but at the same time be grossed out???

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If it's any help mine feels real too, im suffering crippling anxiety at the moment as I am unwell and am home alone with my son. However, a polar bear said if it didn't feel real it wouldn't bother you. I always think I'm going to act on my thoughts but I suppose if I thought I wasn't going to then it wouldn't be so awful and ocd wouldn't be such an awful debilitating condition

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