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I think I have found my motivation!!


Guest jayjay89

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Guest jayjay89

Hey All,

Things have been really really bad for me over the last couple of weeks - to the point that I wont even say how bad haha.

But I think I had a breakthrough today. I've been struggling for months with having no motivation to get better. I just couldn't see any point. I am 25 and I honestly thought there was nothing more in life that I wanted.

I think I've cracked it.

And I am going to share it, because I have seen a few others posting about lack of motivation. Maybe they are having a similar issue.

I have been so afraid of failure, that I haven't been able to admit to anyone (even myself), what I want from life. The ultimate avoidance - pretending that I don't want anything, so if you asked me yesterday, I would have "honestly" been able to say that I didn't want anything in life. I've done everything I wanted, I've got everything I want and I don't have anything left to do.

But, you know what, I want stuff. I want a relationship, I want someone to love me, I want to do more travel, I want to set a good example for my brother, I want to live like other 25 year olds - I want to party and date and go to concerts and watch the annual naked rugby games with my friends. I want to hug people, to trust people, to help people, to be happy and sad and be whoever I was meant to be - before my life got derailed by abuse and OCD. I have accepted this shadow of a life for so long, allowing my OCD to control me and my fear prevented me from seeing what I was doing to myself. But, now it's time to take the risks.

I might fail. I probably will. Dating is risky business in my town, the men seem to think that spraying themselves with deodorant counts as a shower. I will probably trust people that I shouldn't - but that is better than trusting no one at all!

So, here is my declaration - I want stuff. I am going to try. Failure is nothing to be afraid of - failure is proof that I am alive and trying. My first failure may even be my first real success. How funny is that.

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Guest lizinlondon

Wow you have made a massive recovery. I am impressed. I am glad you have found motivations. I am dating at the moment but cannot touch anyone. This does not matter on first dates anyway, well not in England anyway! If I meet someone I want to touch that would pull me forward. Also I am having therapy and working towards touching people again.

You definitely deserve a loving and fulfilling relationship. I am sure you will find this. The thing is fear of failure will stop us from even knowing what we want and getting it. It comes from our childhoods, that we feel unworthy. The first step is acknowledging and admitting that we have been abused and that it has affected us deeply. Once you accept this you can start moving forward. It will probably take me time to start valuing myself and find a good relationship but I am working with my therapist to challenge negative thoughts and behaviours that are getting in the way of achieving my goal. I wish you much luck xxxx

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Guest jayjay89

Thanks guys, I am still terrified, but at least I know what I am terrified of now!

I'm starting to realise the difficulty of putting this into practise :( I am so used to using my million excuses to avoid these possibilities. Now I have to work out how to put them into action....

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Oh this is so good to read jay.

But do take small steps and don't expect too much too soon.Real life doesn't work quite thhe way we might like, and we all pick up some knocks.

I didn't get into serious dating till my late 20s for example but enjoyed it and eventually found both lover soulmate wife and best friend all in one person.

Edited by taurean
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Guest jayjay89

I've been invited to a big celebratory dinner thing tomorrow night....

On one hand it would be good to go as it would sort of be an immediate kick start to trying to engage with life a bit more...

But on the other... it pretty much triggers all of my OCD stuff - Kids, food, crowded space, people might touch me, talking to people I don't know, there might be board games.... I'm not sure if it's possibly too big a challenge for day 2...

Thoughts?

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Guest jayjay89

Yeah that is my concern - pushing too fast and then ending up back in hiding... but then I think - what is the worst thing that could happen? I could freak out and leave? Like that is not actually that bad ......,

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I've been invited to a big celebratory dinner thing tomorrow night....

On one hand it would be good to go as it would sort of be an immediate kick start to trying to engage with life a bit more...

But on the other... it pretty much triggers all of my OCD stuff - Kids, food, crowded space, people might touch me, talking to people I don't know, there might be board games.... I'm not sure if it's possibly too big a challenge for day 2...

Thoughts?

Too big a challenge. Absolutely a case of flooding. I did this a

few days ago and am still trying to recover from the setback.

Small steps..........

Edited by taurean
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Guest Pure obsessional Laura

Don't let OCD rob you of more experiences. Kick it in the backside and say "no more"! I loved your mood in your post, you're just having a bit of a wobble.

Like you said, what's the worst that could happen? And is the worst that bad?

Good luck xx

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