Guest jayjay89 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Hey All, Things have been really really bad for me over the last couple of weeks - to the point that I wont even say how bad haha. But I think I had a breakthrough today. I've been struggling for months with having no motivation to get better. I just couldn't see any point. I am 25 and I honestly thought there was nothing more in life that I wanted. I think I've cracked it. And I am going to share it, because I have seen a few others posting about lack of motivation. Maybe they are having a similar issue. I have been so afraid of failure, that I haven't been able to admit to anyone (even myself), what I want from life. The ultimate avoidance - pretending that I don't want anything, so if you asked me yesterday, I would have "honestly" been able to say that I didn't want anything in life. I've done everything I wanted, I've got everything I want and I don't have anything left to do. But, you know what, I want stuff. I want a relationship, I want someone to love me, I want to do more travel, I want to set a good example for my brother, I want to live like other 25 year olds - I want to party and date and go to concerts and watch the annual naked rugby games with my friends. I want to hug people, to trust people, to help people, to be happy and sad and be whoever I was meant to be - before my life got derailed by abuse and OCD. I have accepted this shadow of a life for so long, allowing my OCD to control me and my fear prevented me from seeing what I was doing to myself. But, now it's time to take the risks. I might fail. I probably will. Dating is risky business in my town, the men seem to think that spraying themselves with deodorant counts as a shower. I will probably trust people that I shouldn't - but that is better than trusting no one at all! So, here is my declaration - I want stuff. I am going to try. Failure is nothing to be afraid of - failure is proof that I am alive and trying. My first failure may even be my first real success. How funny is that. Link to comment
Guest lizinlondon Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Wow you have made a massive recovery. I am impressed. I am glad you have found motivations. I am dating at the moment but cannot touch anyone. This does not matter on first dates anyway, well not in England anyway! If I meet someone I want to touch that would pull me forward. Also I am having therapy and working towards touching people again. You definitely deserve a loving and fulfilling relationship. I am sure you will find this. The thing is fear of failure will stop us from even knowing what we want and getting it. It comes from our childhoods, that we feel unworthy. The first step is acknowledging and admitting that we have been abused and that it has affected us deeply. Once you accept this you can start moving forward. It will probably take me time to start valuing myself and find a good relationship but I am working with my therapist to challenge negative thoughts and behaviours that are getting in the way of achieving my goal. I wish you much luck xxxx Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 This is fantastic news jayjay - so pleased Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thanks guys, I am still terrified, but at least I know what I am terrified of now! I'm starting to realise the difficulty of putting this into practise I am so used to using my million excuses to avoid these possibilities. Now I have to work out how to put them into action.... Link to comment
Guest lizinlondon Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 One day at a time ..... Link to comment
Guest imalright Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 'i want stuff' That's just brilliant )) Well - you've got the motivation....now comes the plan xxx Link to comment
taurean Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 (edited) Oh this is so good to read jay. But do take small steps and don't expect too much too soon.Real life doesn't work quite thhe way we might like, and we all pick up some knocks. I didn't get into serious dating till my late 20s for example but enjoyed it and eventually found both lover soulmate wife and best friend all in one person. Edited November 25, 2014 by taurean Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yes, kiwis are known for our excellent usage of the word stuff lol Let's not get to far ahead there Roy, I'm thinking about a dinner date lol Link to comment
taurean Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yep that's step one. He'll be a lucky guy methinks. Link to comment
Caramoole Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 So, here is my declaration - I want stuff. I am going to try. Failure is nothing to be afraid of - failure is proof that I am alive and trying. Yayyyyyyyyy......And so say all of us :cheer: So pleased to read this post JayJay Caramoole Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yes, I think the realisation that getting hit by a train would be quite painful gave me a push in the right direction haha. Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Got my flirt on today at my sales calls. Step one is underway lol Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I've been invited to a big celebratory dinner thing tomorrow night.... On one hand it would be good to go as it would sort of be an immediate kick start to trying to engage with life a bit more... But on the other... it pretty much triggers all of my OCD stuff - Kids, food, crowded space, people might touch me, talking to people I don't know, there might be board games.... I'm not sure if it's possibly too big a challenge for day 2... Thoughts? Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Really really pleased to hear all this jayjay Be careful not to take things too quickly, you don't want to end up feeling demotivated by taking on too much too soon x Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Yeah that is my concern - pushing too fast and then ending up back in hiding... but then I think - what is the worst thing that could happen? I could freak out and leave? Like that is not actually that bad ......, Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 sounds to me like you're totally ready to take it on Link to comment
taurean Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 (edited) I've been invited to a big celebratory dinner thing tomorrow night.... On one hand it would be good to go as it would sort of be an immediate kick start to trying to engage with life a bit more... But on the other... it pretty much triggers all of my OCD stuff - Kids, food, crowded space, people might touch me, talking to people I don't know, there might be board games.... I'm not sure if it's possibly too big a challenge for day 2... Thoughts? Too big a challenge. Absolutely a case of flooding. I did this a few days ago and am still trying to recover from the setback. Small steps.......... Edited November 26, 2014 by taurean Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 There in lies the risk :/ Link to comment
taurean Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 There in lies the risk :/ As a - retired - risk manager this is one not to take.I always took what I knew from risk management into personal life. This one is a prime candidate for not taking. Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 I think my fear is back in charge now anyway Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Nooo don't let the fear have the driving seat. Just take things one step at a time. Remember how good you felt when you wrote this post x Link to comment
Guest Pure obsessional Laura Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Don't let OCD rob you of more experiences. Kick it in the backside and say "no more"! I loved your mood in your post, you're just having a bit of a wobble. Like you said, what's the worst that could happen? And is the worst that bad? Good luck xx Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 What if I am the person that I am afraid I am? Ughr Link to comment
gingerbreadgirl Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 " what if"... Now that sounds like something OCD would say... Link to comment
Guest jayjay89 Posted November 26, 2014 Share Posted November 26, 2014 Oh yep I got it lol. I think id prefer to go back to the doubting cycle than be ashamed all the time :/ ugh Link to comment
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