Feeling down

[Guest Recoveryyy]

Just wanted to share, seeing as I have no one to talk to about it.

In the last couple months depression has crept back in, along with the worsening of OCD. I just feel like I'm not going to get better and that having it makes me weird or weak (I'm not saying other sufferers are weird or weak, I just feel that way about myself). I'm waiting for counselling but that's not the issue. I just feel so alone and isolated. Part of me wants to share my illness, the other half tells me that I should keep it a secret. To be honest, I am ashamed about my illness. Last time I tried opening up those people didn't understand, told me to 'snap out of it','pull myself together' etc. I still think sometimes that maybe I could, maybe I don't really have an illness, maybe I'm just weak.

Anyway, that's that. Hoping I will overcome this. Sorry for such a downer of a post but sometimes, it does overwhelm me (I'm sure there are many others who feel the same, unfortunately).

[Cub]

Hello

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time; I know what it's like to be depressed. You know, I could have written a lot of this myself; the fear of being weird and weak, the fear of not getting better. It's horrible, isn't it?

I'm so sorry that people haven't understood; I know first-hand what it's like to be told to snap out of it and it just can't be done. You are not weak, you're just poorly. And don't fear about being a downer; this is a safe space of support for everyone and you are always welcome to talk here.

Have you gone to see your GP? I'm sure they'll understand and will want to help.

C x

[Guest Recoveryyy]

Hi.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry that you also experience this.

I have seen my GP twice in nearly four years concerning the OCD and depression. A couple weeks ago I saw a senior nurse as the OCD was getting worse and my anxiety was increasing. I was prescribed anti-depressants (never taken them before) but I have not taken them. I'm too scared, both concerning side effects and people finding out. I'm waiting for counselling, which I hope will be helpful. I was offered counselling a few years ago but I backed out (once again, scared/ashamed/embarrassed).

[PolarBear]

I'm going to be blunt. You need to start taking the meds and swallow your pride and go to counselling.

It's not your fault you have OCD. You did nothing to bring it on. It was thrust upon you. If you cut your leg open and it was spurting blood all over the floor you'd hightail it over to the emergency room and get it fixed right now. Why have a different opinion when it comes to dealing with your mental healthcare? You have a problem that you did not cause. You deserve to have people help you. You deserve to take medications for it (so you can try and see if they help you) as sure as you deserve to take a Tylenol for a headache. You have a right to seek help and you should avail yourself of that right.

As for counselling, I'll admit it can be scary, shaming and embarrassing... for about the first 10 minutes. After that you start to realize the therapist is there to help you, not judge you, and they've heard it all before. I was mortified of telling a psychiatrist the thoughts I had going through my mind for nearly 40 years. It was awful. I sucked it up and went. I was petrified in his office. I just puked out the problem and talked about the thoughts. It all came out in one big rush. And it was over. From that point forward we were talking about things that could help me. It was great. It can be great for you too.

[ACE]

Hello there Reco I'm very sorry to hear how you've been feeling hun, I do agree with Polar Bear I do think you should take the meds but again it's up to you really.You aren't weak trust me it's the illness no one can be considered weak fighting a mental illness trust me,I do understand how you're feeling& know how it feels like.You don't have to tell anyone you're taking medication& no one should certainly judge you on that if you do.I think if taking the mds can help you then personally I certainly would go for it that is me anyway.

Counselling certainly be helpful I know it can be daunting especially thinking about it perhaps& even just starting it off,but you get comfortable pretty quick & when you start to feel better the counselling?CBT gets much easier trust me& also again what you're suffering from is not your fault at all you didn't ask for this & it's not easy to just flick a switch& bang you would be stop doing everything you don't want in regards to the OCD otherwise you would do that just like anyone/everyone else :original: .

Edited May 22, 2015 by ACE

[Guest Recoveryyy]

Thank you for your replies.

PolarBear, you are right and given how far you've come, I know your advice is accurate and does work. I will go to counselling, as much as it worries me. However, I'm still unsure of medication, mostly because of the side effects. I have had severe depression before and I worry about it coming back as a side effect. I know that sort of thinking is redundant, as I could find a medication that really improves my illness. I guess I just want to start counselling first, then I'll feel like I have some support if the medication isn't going well. I'm also having difficulty in accepting it all, so that probably contributes to how I am feeling.

Ace, thanks for understanding and for your kind words. I will definitely go to counselling but I want to wait for medication because of the concerns I have.

[PolarBear]

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. There are side effects to SSRIs, for sure. You should be aware of them and make an informed decision. On balance, I think SSRIs help more people than they hinder, though I have no evidence of that. For some people they just do nothing at all. That's the chance you take. I do think it's worth it to give them a try though.

As for your counsellor, well I can understand if you aren't convinced you do have OCD or something like that you're going to be hesitant to go to a therapist. Get yourself back to the basics. Do you have intrusive thoughts that cause you distress? Do you perform some kind of compulsion in response? If so, it's probably OCD. And the therapy won't hurt you at all even if you didn't have OCD. It just wouldn't work.,

[Guest Recoveryyy]

Logically, I know I have OCD; I have all the symptoms and I've been diagnosed. I have every intrusive thought going that cause me distress, I do both physical and mental compulsions, I have ridiculous magical thinking. i think it's more to do with the doubt, thinking maybe I'm just a horrible person. Also, the emotive part of it. I have moments when I think that I'm fine and I don't need help, even though it's still all going on. I think it just comes down to me being embarrassed about it combined with the doubt that the OCD itself causes. I remember when the OCD got really bad (I didn't know I had it before even though I showed all the signs, only diagnosed when it got out of control) I thought "How can I have a mental illness?", as it was something I just read or heard about. Even though that was nearly four years ago, I still struggle with this.

Interestingly, my OCD symptoms started when I was taking a medication (unrelated to mental health) that stopped the production of serotonin in certain transmitters.I took it every day for over a year, while the OCD gradually worsened. When I came off, the OCD became out of control. This makes me wonder if the medication caused or was a catalyst for my OCD. I'd had signs since I was a child so it's difficult to say what would have happened if I hadn't been prescribed that medication but it's something I've always thought of.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Recoveryyy

[PolarBear]

It sounds like you over think your OCD, which is fairly common. With OCD we become really good ruminators and we can ruminate over just about anything, including our own disorder, what it is, how it manifests, what it means about ourselves, what the implications are of having it, whether we actually have it or not, how we should feel about having it, and on and on. It's still ruminating and it's something you can work on stopping.

It's okay to have doubts about your OCD. All that is required is that you take a leap of faith that you do have OCD and then treat it as such.

[Guest nervous]

Logically, I know I have OCD; I have all the symptoms and I've been diagnosed. I have every intrusive thought going that cause me distress, I do both physical and mental compulsions, I have ridiculous magical thinking. i think it's more to do with the doubt, thinking maybe I'm just a horrible person. Also, the emotive part of it. I have moments when I think that I'm fine and I don't need help, even though it's still all going on. I think it just comes down to me being embarrassed about it combined with the doubt that the OCD itself causes. I remember when the OCD got really bad (I didn't know I had it before even though I showed all the signs, only diagnosed when it got out of control) I thought "How can I have a mental illness?", as it was something I just read or heard about. Even though that was nearly four years ago, I still struggle with this.

Interestingly, my OCD symptoms started when I was taking a medication (unrelated to mental health) that stopped the production of serotonin in certain transmitters.I took it every day for over a year, while the OCD gradually worsened. When I came off, the OCD became out of control. This makes me wonder if the medication caused or was a catalyst for my OCD. I'd had signs since I was a child so it's difficult to say what would have happened if I hadn't been prescribed that medication but it's something I've always thought of.

Hi, I feel for your situation I have had numerous bouts with severe depression before OCD and now when I have OCD. Each of these illness is difficult to deal with on it's own but when you add them together it is really tough situation. Depression causes people with OCD to discount any strategies that could help them, saying things like " I already tried that and it didn't work" " I'll never get better so why try?" I know, I said these things. You need to deal with these two together or else one will just keep pulling the other back in there.

Another thing I would suggest is don't worry about what caused your OCD, they have never determined what causes it and yet that doesn't stop sufferers from endlessly trying to piece together the puzzle. I used to dream of if only I had never heard that news report or if only I had never taken that terrible job or whatever it doesn't matter. The way forward is the same.