I can't do this ... fed up

[Guest Paul92]

I'm just completely and utterly fed up with everything. Over three years ago my life was turned upside down. My mind had a breakdown that it has never recovered from. I started examining every single aspect of my behaviour and worrying constantly about what my thoughts mean about who I am.

And then I found things to feel guilty about. Things that still cripple me today ... things that keep me up at night, and fill my sleep with vivid dreams, leaving me shattered from the off every single day. My eyes are black ... it's a battle every day to get out of bed and at points throughout the day I just feel like crying because I am so messed up.

And then the whole attraction to kids thing came along. Brilliant. I never even used to notice kids. Now, they are everywhere. And the attraction feels real. The fact is I'm convinced more than ever that I have this attraction, it just happens that I probably have OCD as well. Which is just typical. Or do I?

I read years ago that people with OCD never act on their fears. I've never hurt anyone, and never would, but there are things that I have been worried about that I have 'acted' on, in certain ways. So, perhaps I don't have OCD afterall. I regret everything that I worry about. I wish for the life of me I could change it all, but I can't. I feel shame to the point where I don't want to live. I have thought some sickening thoughts, and I live every single day in fear of how people would react if they knew. I hate it. I hate who I am. I hate it all.

I want to live an honest and normal life. Is that too much to ask? Please forgive me.

[Symps07]

Hi Paul92,

The constant examinations you are putting yourself under is ruminating, & as a compulsion, it's just feeding your obsession, which, as you say, leads you keep coming up with reasons to feel guilty. Unfortunately, the more you indulge these trains of thoughts, the worse you will end feeling.

Distracting yourself when a rumination starts helps (Listening to music, watching tv, computer games, talking to someone (without seeking reassurance) etc...).

It's not easy, but it's the only way to stop you feeling so bad.

Symps

[Guest Sally44]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I'm afraid that is what OCD does. This constant uncertainty, checking, feeling guilty, ruminating, feeling disgusted with yourself, anxiety etc etc. People that do have an unhealthy interest in children [like Jimmy Saville], do not spend sleepless nights worrying about it. That is the difference.

Are you seeing anyone for a diagnosis of OCD? And to get some therapy for it - CBT.

You have been well before, and so you can be well again.

[PolarBear]

Paul, you should really have a chat with HeadAboveWater and OCDSufferer9. Both have talked about how they believe they could molest a child, that it feels so real. I wish you all would read each other's posts to help you realize that you are not alone, that there are others out there and your thoughts and feelings are not abnormal.

What are you doing on the getting help side of things?

[Guest Paul92]

I have an appointment with a therapist on the 19th of June. But I'm really not too sure what good it will do. I'm pretty certain I know what I am, and I will just have to live with it somehow. I've caved into fears recently and I acted on them. I was just completely sick and tired of worrying about certain things. But this is what I mean, I always do things to compound my misery. I hate who I am and everything that I have done. I truly truly do, but nobody will ever understand or accept that given the circumstances.

[PolarBear]

It's easy to say you hate yourself and everything you've done then ask that people accept that. It's hard to change your situation so in the future you don't hate yourself.

[Guest Paul92]

Every day is a battle. A battle that I truly don't believe I possess the resources to fight for the rest of my life. I'm living in hell on earth.

I'm not an inherently bad person. I know I'm not. But my head will stop at nothing to convince me that I am. I've never harmed anyone in my life and I never would. I wouldn't wish any wrong on my worst enemy. I truly believe I am in the unfortunate position of having both OCD tendencies and a terrible attraction towards younger girls. I would do anything to make it go away, I can't stress that enough.

I've just sat crying at a short video of some terminally ill kids meeting some Formula One drivers in Monaco this weekend. I can't watch anything to do with poorly kids, it destroys me. It's something I feel very strongly about and always have done. I wish I could do more to help kids like that. But then again my mind was trying to twist my feelings and thoughts.

I've been trying to distract myself today best that I can. I know that my fears and feelings will always linger there in my subconscious, whether I like it not. I want to live a normal life, I want to be accepted ... dare I say it: I want to be loved, despite my failings.

Edited May 22, 2015 by Paul92

[PolarBear]

That's a better attitude. The thing is, I believe you can get better from your OCD. First on the list is realizing that the thoughts you have about kids is nothing more than OCD at play. It's a well known OCD theme and you seem to be stuck with it. The good news is that you can get past it or at least become better off, by doing what works in combatting OCD. First and foremost is identifying your compulsions and resisting them like crazy.

[Guest Paul92]

PolarBear, believe me, if I put my mind to it I can have the willpower of Ironman. And I really want to take the fight to these thoughts. I guess I just need to understand what it is I am fighting, whether it really is OCD or not. I know I have obsessive tendencies that other people don't, or at least they don't dwell on to the degree that I do.

I make everything ten times worse by engaging in self-destructive behaviour. I am massively depressed, and have been for over three years now. I can't remember what it is like to have a decent nights sleep. And I worry constantly about what other people would say/do if they knew about my personal life. I really do.

The fact is, I have an ideal that I hold myself to. I know what sort of life I want to lead. However, the depression is inclined as such that it just makes it all too obvious that I will never lead that life. I'm working to change aspects of my behaviour, but once you've done something, that molds you and stays with you forever. I struggle with the fact that so many things will stay with me forever and I won't be able to remove those episodes, no matter how bad I feel about them. It's an horrid situation to be in: I'm repulsed by things in my past, but I'll still never be accepted. Cruel world.

[PolarBear]

Have you looked into finding a CBT therapist to work with you?

[Guest Paul92]

I went to my GP a month or so ago and she referred me to a therapist for talking therapy. I don't know whether they are experienced in CBT or anything. My GP suggested that speaking to a therapist will offer a proper diagnosis of OCD. If so, she said then she would look at referring me to a specialist. She referred me to a therapist as she thought that simply opening up and talking to someone about how I feel, and all the stuff I worry about, might help. Though, I'm mindful that this may create a situation whereby I am offered nonconstructive reassurance. But alas, I guess they are the mental health professionals, so they should notice from the off.

Oh and my first appointment isn't until mid June ...

Edited May 24, 2015 by Paul92

[PolarBear]

Well there's nothing wrong with talk therapy. CBT is the way to go to deal with OCD but it might help you to open up about the way you feel. Good luck.