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Guest lamac

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Guest lamac

Hi guys,

I'm new to posting, but I've been reading along for a year now. I can't tell you how helpful it's been to read the stories and advice of fellow sufferers. So, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to share mine now.

I suffer from intrusive thoughts OCD - they centre around being a pedophile, but occasionally I also question my sexuality. It started in May last year, I was reading a news article about a pedophile and for some reason felt a sensation *down there* just completely out of the blue. It had never happened before, and I had absolutely never thought about children in that way so I was really distressed and became utterly convinced I was a pedophile. It was awful, I became suicidal, I made bargains with myself, and God (things like, "take cancer away from a good person and give it to me instead") and I finally just had a complete breakdown.

I told my husband who was like "Whaaaaat? Don't be daft, you're not a pedophile" - which was the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me, he just had complete faith in me. But of course, I didn't believe him. I went to the doctor, who saw how ill I was and immediately prescribed meds, but a few weeks later I was getting much worse; having panic attacks, still suicidal, unable to work, just completely debilitated. My doctor - who is completely incredible - just said 'I'm out of my depth, so we're going to refer you to someone who can help' and within a week I had seen a psychiatrist. The psyche talked to me for over an hour and prescribed some new medication (Sertraline) and I got some CBT too.

So, I very slowly got better, or at least, I came to terms with it. I was tired all the time, fighting the thoughts and the doubts and wrestling with compulsions but I was getting better. At the beginning of this year, I felt 90% recovered. And for a few months I didn't have any thoughts HOWEVER, I seem to be relapsing (which I know is par for the course) and it's really hard. The thoughts are the same, but instead of accepting them for what they are, I feel more convinced that I am just a pedophile. I think it's because the thoughts are less distressing, because I've learnt to cope with them, but it feels like NOT having that extreme anxiety means I am a pedophile.

I'm exhausted and I've run out of steam. My doctor retired last month without warning and I don't know if I have the strength to explain all this to someone new. I've had experiences with doctors who aren't particularly understanding and I can't deal with that.

Anyway, I'm not asking for reassurance or anything, I know my brain is just being a total ****. I just really felt like talking to some people who understood.

Sorry for the loooooong post. Thanks for letting me vent.

Much love to you all.

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Hi Lamac,

Unfortunately I am facing the same problems as you which are Really hard to deal with.I am really sorry you have to go though this as Well since I know how hard and life consuming this can be.

I have been having these thoughts ever since I was fifteen and now I am 24.. They were in my head 24 7 and I felt so guilty all the time that I couldn't eat or study. After seeing a psychologist for over a year I finally got better and I was feeling alright for more than tree years until last month. I was baby sitting my boyfriends little niece and from the beginning I was already feeling really bad eventhough my boyfriend was with me. The thing that made me feel even worse was bathing her and she was touching herself all the time. I remember going to the toilet and feeling " wet" down there... Which I found Totally disgusting and that's the moment I was back were I started. I just feel so bad because now I came to a point were everytime I see a little girl I automatically get a physical response which I see as proof of being a phedophile. This feeling is just so real and really reminds me of being turned on. I know that this is probably caused by overthinking but still this is just the worst thing ever and I find it really hard to deal with. I hope this Will go away eventually but I am afraad it Will not. I especially have those intrusive thoughts about little girls from 1 year till around 5 years which I find disgusting as Well.. Why only these ones? A phedophile has certain preferences so this must mean I do as Well? These are the questions keeping me Bush lately. How are you experiencing this?

Like you I am also feeling guilty when coping with the thoughts since I see this as proof of enjoying it. I also feel guilty doing Nice things or making myself pretty. I feel guilty putting on make up or perfume because how can you act like that knowing you might be a phedophile. Deep down I know it is absurd because a true phedophile enjoys it while I feel terrible but still... Those Feelings of being turned on are just too real to not mean Anything.

I can Totally relate with you on having to talk with someone .. It is the only thing that can make me feel better...

Are you having any children at the moment? I think having children and dealing with these thoughts must be even worse ..

Nicki

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Hi lamac,

From what you say, and from the original event that triggered your problem, you are effectively suffering from paedophile;e OCD, along with a whole host of other people on this forum..

You see, I would be pretty sure that the groinal response you got was a false message from OCD - that's what it does, it sends out a stimulation message to try and convince you that you are one. which is of course exactly the opposite to your real character.

These are stone wall symporms of paedohphile OCD - I am with your husband on this..

Engaging with, fighting with , OCD thoughts will wear you outt and exhaust you from the anxiety response.

Not engaging with them, and applying distraction, is the game to play. You just have to believe that these are OCD thoughts,. they have no credibility.

If and when you can do that, and apply an involved distraction when they come calling, you will be able to fight it pretty well. But ignore the false stimulation trick that OCD plays.Its OCD not any real feelings on your part.

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Guest lamac

Hi Taurean,

Thanks for your really kind message and advice. OCD is a tricky beast, and I often find myself doubting I have it. Which I know is exactly what *it* wants (does anyone else refer to it likes its a person?). They don't call it the doubting disease for nothing.

Nicki, I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad again. Groinal response is a really common thing for OCD sufferers, and the fact that you feel disgusted by it is pretty much solid proof you're not a paedophile. I don't know what helped you feel better for more than 3 years, but you need to tap into that and really work on it again.

Question to anyone: Is there ever a chance of getting 100% better without ANY relapses ever again?

Thanks all

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Guest lamac

Sorry Nicki, missed your question at the end. I don't have any kids, but I have a nephew and niece and I couldn't see them for a few months because I was afraid of the thoughts.

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Lamac,

I know how to get rid of the issue and that is just not thinking about it and let it pass. Unfortunately the slightest doubt is enough to get me back where I started. I now know why They indeed call it the doubting disease.

I try to think like that but the groinal responses sometimes are just to real. People have told me it is possible to have automatic groinal responses but I think this is weird and hardly impossible if They don't mean Anything . Is this something you are having too?

I am also doubting I have ocd often since I was never fully diagnosed.. This makes it even harder.

Recovering 100 % depends on how you see it I Guess. Personally I don't think a full recovery is possible since I still had intrusive thoughts eventhough I was feeling better for more than three years. I never used any meds so maybe if you use these , a full recovery is possible..

Nicki

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Lamac.

I have the same problem.. I try to avoid as many as possible which is hard sometimes as Well!

My boyfriends niece had a birthday coming up but I am thinking of not going. I just feel to guilty about my prevous Feelings and thoughts I Guess...

I am on holiday at the beach at the moment so you probably can imagine avoidance being really hard here :)

Nicki

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Guest lamac

That's the really hard part, isn't it? Letting it go. I've definitely got better at it with time but when it's a 'new' thought or comes at me completely out of the blue... then it's really tough.

The thing to remember is that you can't be anything you don't want to be. You don't want to be a paedophile, so you aren't one. It's really as simple as that. That's what I tell myself and on good days, I believe it and move on, because it's true. On bad days my brain brings up all these scenarios and I have to learn to ignore them.

Automatic groinal responses are completely possible and absolutely not proof that you are a paedophile - I've had them, in fact my OCD was triggered by one. I think most people with sexual obsessions have them. Both my CBT practitioner and psychiatrist told me about them, it's just some primal response in the brain, kind of like fight or flight, you know?

x

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Yes indeed. The Funny thing is you know you feel better by letting it go but for Some reason we choose to feel bad instead.

For me it is a way of control... If I am not thinking about this I feel like not having control. I have to think about it because otherwise I am scared and feeling guilty. I always imagine things in my head to see how I react to them and to see if I get a groinal response.. Not sure if these can be considered as mental compulsions?

I also feel worse when I get a new thought or feeling, because then I want someone to assure me that it is ok and doesn't mean I am a phedophile. Do you also have trouble saying the word phedophile? I always feel bad hearing or saying it...

Not being what you don't want to be seems logical but then I think there must be people doing bad things and feeling bad for it? Maybe They just couldn't help themselves ? I sometimes wonder as Well about the fact that phedophiles can getl turned on by An adult as Well ? Do They?

What kind of compulsions are you doing? I find it hard to imagine physical compulsions in this case?

Nicki

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Guest OCD-in-ireland

Hi lamac,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering at the moment. The paradox is that the symptoms that you are feeling (the decrese in guilt/reaction to the thoughts) is a sign that you are in fact getting better and the OCD is losing its power over you. This is a GREAT achievement and you need to recognize that. I do know how hard it is to take that leap of faith and accept that this is the case, and not in fact that you are enjoying the thoughts.

The funny thing is that you are giving some great advice in your posts to Nicki, lamac. Its amazing how much understanding and insight of the problem that we have and we just cannot apply it to our own lives.

Little by little we will all get there, I am sure.

I am currently in hospital, due to a devastating relapse. My obsessions are around the same theme and it is heart breaking to feel like I am back to square one all overt again.

Here if you ever need to chat.

OCD-in-Ireland

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Ocd in Ireland,

I'm sorry to hear that you are in the hospital. I hope you Will get better soon!

I know it's hard but you are getting treatment and looking for help so you will recover!

How are you feeling at this moment? Is there Anything you want to talk about?

I know it helps me a lot to talk with someone facing the same issues so please go ahead if there is Anything I can help you with.

Nicki

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Guest OCD-in-ireland

Hi Nicki,

Thank you for your kind response. I have dealt with this type of OCD since I was about 16 and had really improved up until this past relapse. At least I thought I had, although in retrospect I have been nicely avoiding children for the past 6 years and have never had any time alone with children since I withdrew at the beginning of my problems.

Fast forward to May this year, where I was feeling emotionally strong and always trying to do the opposite of what the OCD wanted me to do. In fact the pedophile OCD wasnt even my main obsession for the last year, it was more fear of contracting HIV or of having cancer.

I was studying abroad for the year and i made some really great friends there and was feeling really strong and I was re-buliding my self esteem. One of my friends worked in a kids school to teach English and one day she asked me if I would take one of the classes as they needed someone. Initially my reaction was 'HELL, NO", but there and then I decided that this was an opportunity for exposure and (naively) thought that this may be happening for a reason and might be the key to recovery. Anyway I did it. It ended up being more like babysitting, minding three young children for an hour, playing with toys and trying to use a few English words. So I got through the hour, It was pretty anxiety provoking, but I also enjoyed it as I had forgotten how much I enjoyed children and that I am actually quite good at interacting with them. I had some intrusive thoughts during the hour but they were not as frequent as I would have expected.

So I left with a mixture of extreme anxiety and happiness. I was in shock. I really felt that I had made a great breakthrough but sub consciously knew that the OCD was not going to let me get away with things that easily.

The next 10 days were awful, I began ruminating and scanning to 'make sure' nothing bad happened. I was quite busy with exams and presentations so i just kept going. Then something strange happened.

I was extremely depressed due to the OCD and ruminations and getting further and further confused and distressed. I was swimming at the beach one day and a father got into trouble swimming with his young daughter in the sea. He was out quite far and could not hold his daughter up over the water. He called out to me for help and I instinctively swam over. He handed the girl over to me and asked would I hold her and carry her in towards the shore until we got to the level where he could stand. I had no choice but to help so I did what i had to do. I talked to her to keep her calm and ensured she got to safety.

After this event, I took this as a sign that I was infact a 'good' person and that my other fears were not founded. I was really happy. I felt good. This lasted for about 2 weeks. I was travelling with a good friend for the end of June and July and we were looking forward to renting a house, sunbathing and relaxing for a month. This was the worst mistake i could have made. I dont remember when or why, but the anxiety around the babysitting came rushing back in and I began thinking over the hour and trying to remember every moment to ensure nothing bad had happened. Of course this rumination made things worse and worse until I had almost fully convinced myself that I had sexually assaulted one of the children. I was watching BBC news alot at the time as distraction and of course the Rolf Harris story was on. This added to the anxiety. Is that who i am? How can i be sure nothing happened? What if these children are suffering? Then other fears from my past came back, like when I used to babysit in my teens and my fears began. What if I had done something bad then and I dont remember it? I changed a nappy once, what if I did something?... The strange thing is that the other fear shifted a bit as my thought process said ' well you can be fairly sure you didnt do anything now, but maybe back when you were 16 you were not as morally aware/in control as you are in now'. I was spiralling downward, and this was not helped by the fact that I was staying in a seaside holiday resort. The beach was tough. Checking. intrusive thought. fear. guilt. avoidance....

Then I remembered something. I had had visitors the weekend before the teaching. I may have had a half glass of wine at dinner on friday night ( Have huge fear of losing control due to alcohol). I taught on Monday. I put two and two together and came up with disaster. I must have gone in there still under the influence of alcohol and so if something bad happened and I lost control I may have blacked out and not remember it.... I will never be sure.... I will live the rest of my life with this guilt..... those children may be suffering because of me...... i made a big mistake... i should never have agreed to do it, i was irresponsible.. etc etc.

It got so bad I needed to come home and go straight into treatment. this is where I am now. One week in and really trying to believe things will get better. It has been the most difficult month of my live and I have had the blackest of days.

Sorry for hijacking this post but i guess I just needed to say this. Even writing it now is making me anxious and wondering if its some sort of action to relieve the guilt.

I am not looking for reassurance. I know somewhere in my heart that absolutely nothing bad happened. I faced my worst fear and nothing happened. In fact I was a damn great babysitter and the kids loved me. I even taught them a few English words and made them laugh with my funny faces. This is reality.

As my doctor said that replaying/ reviewing the event is only feeding the OCD i have decided I am going to 'save' the good and happy memories for the future for when I am mentally able to accept them as real. For the moment I am doing some loop tape exposure )worst case scenario stuff) and trying to get on with things.

Thats my story and where I am with it at the moment, maybe someone can read this and relate. I hate to think that our suffering happens for no reason, so even if one person identifies with something here and it lightens there heart then I will be happy.

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Hi Lamac,

Just a quick one: sorry to hear you are relapsing. It does happen. I also once suffered from this fear. Are you on meds? They help.

I also relate to your new gp fear. I completely got over the paedophile obsessive worry but when I changed gp who had been brilliant I hated having to talk about it again to a new gp when I wanted it in my past. This is now my primary obsessive worry -- worrying what future gps will think and if social services etc etc will get involved in the future. Especially as I live in London and have to see different gps. It can only be overcome by dealing with it, so I would suggest seeing a new gp as soon as possible. If it helps, I have now seen three since then, and none have misunderstood. If they are, then you can see another one. You can overcome this again as you have done before. I feel your pain.

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Guest jayjay89

Hey guys, I'm part of your club. I had this for 5 years, you can get past it. As Roy said it's about believing it's ocd as treating it accordingly.

I went from obsessing and doing mental compulsions hourly (some clarification around possible compulsions - checking, physically an mentally to see if I was attracted to a child, replaying scenarios in my mind to check I hadn't done anything wrong, reassuring myself , avoidance etc) almost hourly for years to now, nothing. I actually had the thought yesterday, which reminded me of how long it had been since I had ha one, 'I think I'm attracted to that kid' I actually just laughed at myself and it hasn't affected me since - because once I treated the ocd for what it was, I could see how ridiculous the thought was.

I still hve troubles with other aspects of ocd, but this was by far the most distressing for me, and it hasn't affected me in 4 years

Good luck!

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Hi Jayjay,

The difficulty is, different people find the strength or an angle to overcome different parts of OCD.

Like I'm really good on checking now, I found a way - and I've shared it on the forum - that really works for me.

So, even by the law of averages, if that works for me , then its got to work for some others with checking problems .

You came from a "flavour"of OCD that in effect was dominating your life, to just being able to say - oh there's that thought again, haven't seen it for a while - and forgetting it. But - maddeningly I imagine - that hasn't meant a massive breakthrough in other aspects of your OCD - you just simply found a formula that worked for one aspect.

This part of OCD is very difficult to stomach. Some people can respond and be brought back to a safe environment - others, with the same source material - just can't make it work. It just must be because we are dealing with the brain, and the brain is just such an incredibly complex machine.

OCD-In-Ireland - best wishes to you in hospital, and I hope for a speedy return to managing your OCD. I sincerely wish that, as you did for others in your post, something we say or do on the forum may be a catalyst to aid your own success.

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Guest lamac

OCD-In-Ireland, thank you so much for your message of support and for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear you're unwell, I hope you make a very speedy recovery! Keep in touch, and let us all know how you're getting on. I'll be thinking of you.

Steve_in_the_Clouds - I really appreciate that message, you're right, I do just need to get it over with and see my new doctor. I have the same fears as you, that they might somehow call the police or report me. Of course I know that's not true, but it's a constant battle between sense and irrationality in my head. I'm currently taking Sertraline, and was actually in the process of reducing my intake when the relapse happened, so I'm back up to my old dosage. Felt like a setback at the time, but I came to realise there's no harm in taking things slowly.

JayJay, thanks also for your message. I can't say how much hearing from you guys has helped me, just today! It's also very reassuring to hear that it's possible to get past aspects of OCD. I hope you're doing OK!

Nicki, I shared the same fear about bad people doing things because they couldn't help themselves, and honestly, I don't think it's possible. We're not going to lose control and do stuff we don't want to do. Even in extreme circumstances. And not least because it's the absolute last thing we want to do. As for compulsions, mine varied from not leaving the house (seriously) to mental compulsions, counting, checking etc. I spent about 5 months completely reclusive, but despite the recent relapse, I'm able to go out, see my friend's children and my niece and nephew with very few intrusive thoughts now.

I'm going to read a book about beating OCD, I can't remember what it's called but it was reviewed on this website. Does anyone have any other recommendations for good self-help books?

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Guest OCD-in-ireland

Overcoming OCD by David Veale is quite good.

Also Brainlock, which I know a alot of people on the forum recommend.

For intrusive thoughts I also found 'The Imp of the Mind' very insightful

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Ocd in Ireland,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can really relate to it since similar things have happend to me.

I'm sorry if I'm not giving explanations the same way as you do but English isn't my mother tongue.

Although avoidance can make me more relaxed, I have done Some babysitting in the last years but it wasn't always easy. Especially in the years I felt better, but even then the intrusive thoughts were still there but I could manage and this also made me proud because I was able to manage it..

I know you are not looking for reassurance but I think in your case , if you did something wrong you would definetely remember. You are thinking about this all day, everyday, so if something so life changing Should have happened, you would know it. So please do remember the good feeling you were experiencing while babysitting and have Some belief in yourself.

I can also relate to your problem with alcohol. I have never been a real drinker but I only take one or two glasses because I'm scared for not being able to control my actions. I think this has just to do with the fact that alcohol makes you feel more relaxed and that is something we don't want when we are experiencing those thoughts.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and a quick recovery. Remember that you did this once and that you can do it again. Belief in yourself is half the battle :)

Nicki

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Break Free From OCD - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder With CBT is a great book to understand, then get tackling, one's OCD.

It's by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and - committed and enthusiastic patron of OCD-UK - Professor Paul Salkovskis.

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Guest jayjay89

Hey all, sorry I didn't mean you will definitely get better if you did what I did, was trying to show that I got better so it is possible :)

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Guest OCD-in-ireland

Nicki-

Thank you for your response and dont worry your English is great!! Certainly better than my French/Flemish :original:

I just read some of your other posts and we seem to have a similar OCD history. Mine started at about 15 and i am 23 now. It can be so tough to be dealing with such heavy stuff like this at such a young age.

Ya, the most frustrating part is that I know nothing happened, but the whole thing is a bit fuzzy now due to the month of almost constant rumination.

Alcohol is definitely a trigger. Its something I am going to work on with my therapist when I feel a little bit better because I would like to be able to have a social drink with my friends without being getting a bad OCD attack. I have a belief that Alcohol has a very strong and long lasting effect on me, even though I have never really been that drunk. Maybe exposure to it in a safe environment would help..

Thanks for the well wishes, do send me a message if you would ever like to chat:)

Taurean and lamac-

thank you too for your well wishes

Jayjay89-

Dont worry about what you said, the meaning is clear, and it is always helpful to hear how others have improved :original:

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Lamac, good to hear that other people worry about doctors. I've posted re. This a few times before and no one usually says that they have the same thing! I find it surprising as I would have thought it would be a fairly typical worry for those that have had these worries in the past.

Nicki and ocd in Ireland, mine also started about 14/15 though it was mainly health worries at that time. I think adolescence tends to be when ocd manifests usually for the first time. Mine has gone up and down over the years with lots of themes.

Re. The books, I would say brainlock helped me a lot initially but I find it less useful now. I've recently read a kindle one called mindfulness workbook for ocd that is excellent and from the US. It is excellent for various flavours of ocd about intrusive thoughts.

Jayjay, good to hear you are better than you were!

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I suppose I've been one of the lucky ones and never had a complete collapse over ocd and never been in hospital etc or had time off work. I also had lots of avoidance behaviour when I got the paedophile fear in my early twenties and wouldn't leave the house but that was after university before I got a job, so it didn't cause me to lose employment. I was living with parents. I saw a psychiatrist and got better over time with cbt and self help. Now I have a good job and many of my friends do not know about my ocd so I worry what would happen if they all found out what I used to worry about -- even if I know it is rubbish. Also, I want to have a family so worry if a doctor in the future would deem me unsuitable because of previous worries if he didn't know about ocd. This is an intrusive fear in itself. I try to distract myself from it, but not easy and leads to mental compulsions.

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Guest OCD-in-ireland

Hi Steven,

I relate too re the doctors. I am currently in a psych ward (as mentioned - not as scary as it sounds luckily :original: ) and I get the fears that the nurses and junior doctors dont really understand my OCD/ think I have these thoughts willfully. In fact when I arrived I had to tell my story to a nurse, and when I began to try to explain he started to ask me all about my childhood and if i had had sexual experiences as a child myself. At that point I asked him if he had much knowledge of this form of OCD and as he said no I respectfully said I would prefer not to talk anymore about it as it can be easily misunderstood.

However, I would not worry too much about their opinions because at the end of the day it is just lack of education and if they have any doubts they will quickly learn about it.

It is a big concern alright about having children in the future. For me I wonder if emotionally I would be able to handle.

Does anyone here have kid/ had kids while suffering with this form of OCD? Id imagine its not easy

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There are others in this forum that have kids with this kind of ocd. I've seen them posting. For me, I don't have this form of ocd anymore. I don't get the intrusive thoughts about being attracted as I used to years ago and even if I did I would just ignore them as I know they're not true. It just doesn't really affect me. I'm also now fine with relatives in my family. I think I would love to have kids some day. However, it is the doctor fear that gets me and that they'd think I'm evil or something or a risk. I obsess about this just as much as I used to obsess and worry about potentially being a paedophile. (Ocd tends to morph after you get to grips with one worry) After all, doctors don't tend to understand ocd (or at least that's what I worry). Anyway thanks for your message ocd Ireland. A psych ward sounds like a scary place to me - hope they're treating you well. Hope you're okay and on the road to recovery. You give good advice on here and sound like you know what you're talking about! Also sounds like you're getting a reasonable grip on your ocd.

Edited by Steven_in_the_clouds
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