Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I wish I was feeling better, I've got

over the whole wiping situation for now but it's gone back to what I was worried about before that happened.

feeling like I want to touch my daughters genital lips, it's been like this for a while. if it was just a thought I'd be okay but it's the fact it feels like I want to. I'm so scared to change her bum incase I decide to do it, especially if her bum change takes a while, the longer it takes the more it feels like I'm gonna just do it.

it's hard to explain but when I tell myself I love her or think of reasons why I wouldn't wanna do it, it goes back to stuff like 'you'll never know what it feels like though...' and then it feels like I want to do it even more!

I don't understand it and it's ******* me off. I don't know if it's anxiety that's making me feel this way or if I do actually want to.

the thing is though, if I ever did something like that, I know for a fact I'd want to kill myself, I'd be freaking out, crying, knowing that I'm a horrible person etc and then the thoughts are like 'well no one would know' but even if that would be the case, I would. I mean when I thought I had touched her inappropriately last time, I instantly felt the need to tell my Aunty, mum and people on the forums. so yeah people would know, then I'd go to jail and get my daughter taken off me but yet it STILL feels like I want to do it. no matter how many times I tell myself I love her or why I wouldn't do it etc.

I can't even enjoy my life. I can't even enjoy spending time with my daughter, I constantly want to be around people so I know I won't 'lost control' and touch her.

I'm petrified of what I might do :(

Link to comment
Guest OCD-in-ireland

Hi findingithard,

Im sorry to hear that things are tough at the moment. It is not an easy situation to be in. What I would say to you however, is that everything you have described above is typical of an OCD sufferer and the mental torment that such thoughts generate.

I am not going to provide you with reassurance as i am sure you know that that just makes things worse in the long term.

I would advise you to try to disengage with the thoughts and don't react to them with an anxiety response. The ruminations and 'what-if's' are what is keeping the OCD going. I know all too well that the temptation to engage in the thoughts and try to 'think' your way out of it. However I am quickly learning that this is not the solution.

Do something you enjoy today, even if you dont feel like you deserve it, and if you get bored of that, then start something else. Watch a good move or go for a nice walk. Dont let the OCD stop you from enjoying your day.

Take care :original:

Link to comment

I just don't understand how this is OCD.

Something so real and strong should not feel like this if I don't really want it to happen. It's like it feels more like I do want it to happen than I don't..

How is that even possible? I don't get it.

All the things I look forward to in the future with my daughter like helping her with homework, watching movies together, having days out together... yet I still feel like I want to do it! and for what? Guilt? That's the only thing I would get out of doing it! I can't even look at her genitals for long whilst changing or bathing because the feeling of just deciding to do is so much stronger.

I have this horrible feeling though, when I try and sit with the anxiety, it feels like I'm gonna decide to do it like it's so hard to explain how powerful this feeling is :-/ so therefore I can't help but try and think through the anxiety and TRY to find reassurance or relief that I won't / don't want to do it.

I'm so close to giving up.

Link to comment
Guest OCD-in-ireland

OCD does not want us to understand it and the closer we get to the understanding it tries even harder to make us doubt ourselves or feel guilty.

You can allow yourself to hope and look forward to enjoying all those great things with your daughter in the future. The OCD is trying to stop you from moving forward and the continuous ruminations and reassurance seeking is keeping you in the cycle. Trust me, i know. I have felt the very same doubts and fears and still do at times. Its about having the courage to take that leap of faith and try something different.

The constant reassurance and rumination has not made things any better up to now has it? Ill bet it actually makes you much more anxious. The OCD is always going to creeping behind your shoulder trying to interfere with your enjoyment of life, it up to you to choose to engage with it, or see it for what it really is, just anxiety provoking THOUGHTS, not actions.

Please never give up. Not only for yourself, but mostly for your little one. She needs you to be strong for her.

Sending strength your way and best wishes :original: :original: :original:

Link to comment

yeah Ascend, I know but it doesn't make it any easier when sht feels deal!

ah for **** sake! I think I've done something again!

okay I was wiping my

daughters bum as she had pooped and I had a thought to wipe her on her genital lips to get get rid of the 'need' to touch her genital lips with my finger and because I wiped right next to them (was a little poop mark there) that I did it because of

the thought! I know if there wasn't a poo mark there, I wouldn't of wiped but there was so I did and at the time it was like I was glad to

wipe next to there so I could get some relief from the feeling of wanting to touch her genital lips with my finger because that would just prove that I wouldn't get anything out of it! I don't know what to do I've told people time and time again I've had CBT and I'm wait if for other therapy so there's nothing I can do right now so support from people on here is all I have

earlier I said to myself that I can't wait to change my daughters bum when she's pooped so I can wipe her genitals :( and I guess that was to try and rid myself of the feeling that I want to touch her without a wipe

I feel like I've done something wrong

like there was two motives behind wiping that little poo mark away from her

and then main one being that reason above and the other to clean it :(I can't cope please help

Link to comment

I know ginger but I'm so scared I don't know what to do. I'm petrified. I can't deal with this anymore, I really don't want to be here. I've got no one, I'm so alone and I'm scared that I'm a horrible person, I dont want to be but yet again I feel as though I've done something wrong :( it feels like I only feel like I wouldn't when something like this happens. I only realise my love for her when something happens and then when I kind of get over it, it goes back to feeling like I want to.

how am I meant to live every day like that?

I feel as though I need to be punished, I even tried cutting my arm but realised what I was doing! I've got a little girl who needs me but how can I feel like I love her when I've done horrible things.

Link to comment
I just don't understand how this is OCD.

Then you have a duty to yourself to learn more about OCD so that you can start to understand. Even though this won't stop the thoughts and anxiety, it will help you to understand what OCD does and what steps you can do to improve matters :)

Do you understand that have to change your reaction and the way you do things in order to improve?

No-one under-estimates how horrible and frightening this is for you or how convincing those thoughts and urges are, we all do and they're very powerful but we also know that if you keep dealing with it in the same way, it will keep hurting in the same way.

I've had CBT and I'm wait if for other therapy so there's nothing I can do right now so support from people on here is all I have

You are getting support here, it's just not the sort of support your OCD craves and sadly, no-one's likely to respond by offering reassurance.

What CBT techniques have you applied today? Apart from sitting with the anxiety, what have you done? At the moment there are two detailed posts about what happened, that in itself is a compulsion that won't help. Forgetting the fact that it still feels awful and real, what have you done about acknowledging that these are OCD thoughts not reality.

Attending CBT in itself doesn't do anything, applying the techniques are what has to happen.

What are you going to do for the rest of today about this thought? Are you going to try and work it out? Keep going over it in minute detail? Ask others to tell you everything is fine?

Or are you going to be ready for that thought? Ready to recognise it when it strikes? Do other things to keep yourself busy?

Caramoole :)

Link to comment

how am I meant to live every day like that?

you don't have to live every day like this - you can take charge of your recovery. OCD is a horrible illness but the good thing is it's treatable - but you need to take those steps. You're in control, even if it doesn't feel like it. you can do this x

Link to comment

Hello findinhithard

I am sorry you have to go through this. I can imagine how hard this must be for you especially because you have to face you anxiety almost constantly. I am having sexual intrusive thoughts about little girls as Well. I am always seeing their genitals and think i like the image and that it turns me on. I am also scared that if I ever have a baby girl myself , I want to touch her and like it... I feel so bad because the groinal responses are just too real.. It has become An automatic reaction to get such a reponse even by looking at a girl for one second. I just find it disgusting.

I hope I am not scaring you with this. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone... Is there someone you can talk to?

Nicki

Link to comment

Hi Nicki and finding it hard.

Try looking at the urges, feelings, responses in the same way as you would a vivid dream. Can you recall how everything seemed so realistic in that dream?

Such is the power of your brain - it's capability to convince you that something that doesn't exist is actually real is so realistic, so believable, isn't it?

Now hold that thought, and add that - because we have this mental disorder called OCD - our brains receive false messages which they interpret as truthful and real, when in fact they are total fabrications. So we get that groinal response, we receive a message doubting that we are xyz or whatever, we are informed that we could have done/might do something we consider totally against our nature and is absolutely horrific etc.etc.

But, if we accept that these ARE false messages, the believability becomes flawed, we get relief and our anxiety is more controllable, because we KNOW it is OCD at play.This is the mindset to adopt - many of those of us who have done that, then applied meaningful distractions to break the vicious cycle of distress, have broken the chains tying us to OCD and significantly recovered.

Only yesterday a forum colleague was posting to say that paedophile OCD is not a significant bother to her now - she has re-educated her mind to just laugh off any such thoughts if they come to call. This is what Jeffrey Schwartz told us would happen if we followed this treatment.

Edited by taurean
Link to comment
Guest DarthVader94

I just don't understand how this is OCD.

Something so real and strong should not feel like this if I don't really want it to happen. It's like it feels more like I do want it to happen than I don't..

How is that even possible? I don't get it.

All the things I look forward to in the future with my daughter like helping her with homework, watching movies together, having days out together... yet I still feel like I want to do it! and for what? Guilt? That's the only thing I would get out of doing it! I can't even look at her genitals for long whilst changing or bathing because the feeling of just deciding to do is so much stronger.

I have this horrible feeling though, when I try and sit with the anxiety, it feels like I'm gonna decide to do it like it's so hard to explain how powerful this feeling is :-/ so therefore I can't help but try and think through the anxiety and TRY to find reassurance or relief that I won't / don't want to do it.

I'm so close to giving up

OCD thoughts can involve anything just try to ignore this obsession its not real!Have you discuss it with your therapist?

Edited by DarthVader94
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...