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How do I get around buying the soap?? Advice please


Guest Mamakat

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Hi, I have been lurking and reading for a while and feel quite informed. But still I don't know what to do..

Ok I'll try and be brief. My son is 16 and has OCD (contamination and handwashing) which he has had since at least he was seven or eight. He has been referred once by the Gp at about 9 ish (he was happy to go then and talked to me about it all quite happily) and had one session with the young person mental health team-he improved so they never saw him again and I naively accepted that.

Things are so bad at the moment we are at our wits end and would appreciate some help, my husband has been to the Gp himself on a bad week and they printed out a leaflet which my son put in the bin....

He is going through a huge soap dispenser in less than a week (it's now 5 days and that includes him watering it down to make it last the 5 days-this he denies doing), but then goes on to use other soaps in the house if I don't replace it (I won't buy more than 1 a week for him). It is well documented that you shouldn't encourage it but doing so is affecting the rest of the family and its difficult because you know they can't help it and by not buying the soap causes him stress. He refuses to speak about it or get help -slams doors in my face when I broach the subject (I know his age doesn't help!). This is just one of his rituals-but it's the one that affects us the most-running water late at night, being late for social events...-he still gets out to school on time but gets up v. early.

I've tried talking to, supporting, trying to understand-I know it isn't his fault, but at the moment it is so hard not to loose it and shout-I cry a lot too. I've had a huge shout tonight and now feel so guilty-how can I help but not fuel it and maintain my sanity at the same time?? It concerns me that I didn't insist he was seen more when he was younger and feel that this is going to get worse and affect his life even more than it does now.

Thank you for reading.

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Welcome to the forum, Mamakat.

Look, you don't need to stop supplying him with soap right now. What you need to do is get through to him that this is no way for him to live. It seems he may not even know he has a problem or he feels maybe there is nothing that can be done to solve the problem he knows he has. Somehow, some way, you need to get through to him that he is suffering, what he is doing is excessive and interfering with his quality of life and he can get better.

When people have severe OCD it can be crippling to think about getting better. It means a change and a change means maybe not washing as much or for as long and that can seem an impossible task to complete to some people.

There is help available. There are things he can do to overcome the disorder. The problem is getting him to a point where he wants to. If I were you I'd try to impress upon him that what he is doing is not going to work for too much longer in the future. Something has to change but he doesn't have to do it alone. Try your best to get through to him. Then and only then do you consider cutting off his soap supply. Don't threaten him with it right now. Just try to get through to him.

Would he consider coming to the forum and talking with the people here? We have a fair number of teenagers that come here for support. What about getting him back into therapy?

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Hi and welcome to the forum.

I agree with everything PolarBear said, but I also wanted to add, dont feel guilty about the past, or yelling and crying, Ive done all those! When it starts none of us can quite believe its happening and suddenly time has gone by, things have got worse and we wonder why we didn't do something before. Hindsight is a wonderful thing is always trotted out, but its so true. My son developed what I now know was OCD when he was about 11, but he didn't really have help until he was about 20. His OCD kept changing, so when one thing stopped I thought 'oh thats ok then'.

Its so frustrating and sad that the teenage years are spoilt by OCD. My son calls them 'his lost years'. I agree with PolarBear, as much as not supplying the soap is ultimately the right thing to do, without the backup of treatment, its just going to cause more and more conflict in the house and everyone else has to live their lives too. The fantastic thing is that he still goes to school and social events, that is one real positive you can hang on to.

Was the leaflet they printed, actually helpful? My son once went to the mental health team as an emergency because he was feeling suicidal, he came out with a leaflet for a computer course, no word of a lie!!!! I would try the young person's guide on the main website.

http://www.ocduk.org/young-peoples-ocd-guide

All you can really do is try and talk to him in calm times about getting some help, eventually my son said he couldn't manage by himself any more. Then I would either ask if you can go to the doctor with him and if he says no, write them a letter before he goes so they know how bad things are.

Here is a good place to vent your frustrations, we all know how you feel and dont forget to look after yourself. Take time away from it all.

Carol

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Guest Mamakat

Thank you Polarbear and Carol for your prompt replies, they have helped so much, I imagine it's a very lonely place having OCD but it's also lonely living with someone with it. I sometimes can't believe how long this has gone on for, and I completely agree Carol when you say about it changing and thinking 'that's now ok then'.

It's difficult talking to him at calm times as any broach of the subject spoils the moment and I have done that many times before, he is sometimes chatty, funny and sociable and a pleasure to be with but on these occasions I feel I spoil the moment by bringing things up. The information from the Gp was just a print out leaflet from this site or similar, informative but I suspect it's things that he already knows.

I've wrote him a letter late last night but will add some of the the points you have both made to that.

I will continue to buy soap, that has been my biggest concern-your words reassure me.

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I was a sufferer for 40 years, though not with contamination issues. I actually can't understand what it was like to live with me over that time period.

People with OCD hurt. Sometimes we hurt real bad. But the people around them, the people who love them, hurt too. It's a disorder that affects everyone.

Good luck and do let us know how things proceed.

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Guest Mamakat

I've written my son a letter, and printed a leaflet for him, I've not had any remarks-and a bit of silent treatment-but I can live with that! If he's read my letter and hope human nature - to be nosey has made him read it he knows I love him and support him, which at the moment is all I can do, I've got lots of soap-for my sanity too!

Thank you polar bear, your words from a sufferers perspective are very helpful.

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Guest Sally44

My son has the same type of OCD. He washed so much he got dermatitis - and I learnt how to make soap! So one positive came of it.

But seriously, as others have said. Withholding the soap is adding to the anxiety, and he will look for other things to clean his hands with and you don't want him getting hold of something like bleach.

My son also used to block the toilet every day with the amount of toilet paper he used. So now I buy wipes and he has a bin next to the toilet that he puts them into.

So go back to your GP and get another referral. Also ask for a prescription for E45 cream [if you think that is needed].

I do remind my son of how many wipes to aim for - now my son agrees, and then uses as many as he wants. I think we all are just trying to avoid confrontation, because it does not help at all.

My son has been out of school due to OCD for a year at one point, and is again off school and returning on a reduced timetable.

I have tried so hard to try to get the support he needs that it does nearly break you. But the positives are worth it in the end.

Unfortunately education and health only seem to want to try to get involved at crisis management stage. I literally lied to childrens services to get some help. I don't recommend that, as it nearly backfired. But I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to do something to help.

There is medication that your son could try. That is prescribed via CAHMS. But for 'therapy' you need Clinical Psychology involved.

My son has tried fluxotine, and Sertraline and both did not help. He is off medication at the moment.

How is he managing during the school day? Is any professional involved with school, such as the Educational Psychologist?

16 is a difficult time anyway. Would he come onto a forum like this to see what other people are posting. I think it helps enormously to know you are not the only one.

Anything that can be done to reduce anxiety, in school and at home, could reduce the OCD obsessions and compulsions.

My son couldn't talk about it before. Infact even saying certain words would contaminate him. So he could not tell us what his thoughts were.

We have also found that finding things he really enjoys doing helps - possibly because it is a distraction for him. Also finding things he can laugh at - usually funny DVDs. And I have invented "the victory dance" which thoroughly embarrasses him, but I do it when he manages to do something particularly difficult, such as putting his shoes on. I don't talk about it, because the ClinPsych told us that even talking about it keeps the OCD thoughts going around in his head. So I just announce "victory dance" and do it. I think he likes it secretly.

We also try to avoid asking "why" all the time, or asking him to tell us what he is thinking. Because there is no logical answer. It is what it is.

And, to a certain extent, I have stopped fighting OCD so hard all the time. Not that I have given up. But I suppose I am recognising that this is not something that can be fixed quickly. It could be a lifelong thing that we all have to learn to manage. And there are very good days as well as bad days.

I do prompt him, for example if he is on the toilet, or in the bath, or washing his hands I will try to count him out ie. 10, 5, 2, 1 minute left. I can get him to have a bath for about 45 mins now, which is good. Left to his own devices he would be in there for 3 hours plus. And when he gets out he has to wash his hands!

Edited by Sally44
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