Hey, New here!

[Guest Jono]

Hi all...I'm Jono and this is my feeble introduction! So...im 27 and have been suffering with OCD since i was about 10. At such a young age i didn't know what the hell was going on, i just knew something was wrong and in my mind i was very different to everyone else. The earliest things i can remember was an intense fear of my mother dying and intrusive thoughts all involving the people i loved getting hurt. These thoughts would cause me to touch, tap and repeatedly perform normal tasks such as flicking a switch on and off until i had gotten it 'right'. These actions would often become so intense that i could be stuck for a very long time simply doing it over and over.

As i got older things got alot worse and alot more intense. I knew deep down that, logically, ignoring these intense thoughts and urges couldn't possibly cause any harm yet there was still no way i could simply ignore them. If for whatever reason something caused me to not be able to perform a certain ritual i would instantly be filled with an intense feeling of fear, worry and guilt that i may be causing somebody some serious harm.

Eventually things became so bad that these thoughts were constant, totally non stop with EVERYTHING that i did, Even sitting down watching t.v was impossible as i would suddenly need to stand up and sit down over and over until it felt right again, if not i would be so scared that my mother or younger brothers and sisters were going to die or some other type of morbid fear. Eventually, as a teenager i became drawn to the number 5 which was almost a god send as i could now simply walk off happy upon performing a task for the 5th time rather than the 100th time. This new found trick didn't last long however as i soon graduated to having to perform something 5 times by 5 times. This again could get worse as doing something 5 times could soon become an almost endless task e.g 5x5x5x5x5 (typing and erasing again is my current biggest frustration).

So yeah, thats kinda where i find myself to this day after many years of suffering in silence (i was an expert at keeping these tasks hidden from people who knew nothing) and many years of CRAZY behaviour. I do remember it all easing off dramatically though between the ages of maybe 18 to 21 only to return again with a vengeance. Anyway's I've droned on far longer than i wanted to and could most certainly continue all night as what i have said here isn't even scratching the surface. Its only in recent years that i have finally sought help after getting involved in a romantic relationship with a very old friend. I have attempted suicide a few times over the years due to severe depression, even ending up in ICU very near to death once after succeeding in my method only to be found unconscious by a stranger. I think it's safe to say however that if it wasn't for my girlfriend entering my life i probably wouldn't be sitting here now.

Anyhow's thanks for reading, sorry it's so long! I hope to meet some kind decent folk here who know exactly where i'm coming from cuz it'd be very nice to be able to relate to someone else as like i said, i have a lot to say and what i've already told you guys is minor compared to my full story!

Cheers, Jon. :original:

[Ruth]

well done for sharing your illness.its hard for people without ocd to grasp the awful mental anguish it causes.i kept my illness secret for more than 20 years

i was just so ashamed.i thank God that my husband supported me.Wishing you a happy future

[legalseagull]

Welcome Jon. Your experience is very similar to mine in some ways. Are you getting professional help now? Ruth - I also kept my OCD secret for over 20 years out of shame and embarrassment.

[PolarBear]

Welcome to the forum, Jon.

[Ruth]

yes i am getting help now thankyou legalsegal.

[Ruth]

sorry for misspelling :original: