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Is this really an OCD or am I just going totally insane?


Guest InSpiritGolden

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Guest InSpiritGolden

I'm new to this site and I do not really know what to do right now. I first posted this at the OCD thingy, but then I found this thingy for young people so I'll just repost it here.

My name is Mary, I'm 18 years old and apparently, I've got an OCD. Me and my therapist are still working on it, but she said I should introduce myself here so I can find people who might have the same problem. We did a test, I can't remember the name but it said I had a score of something around 50 which indicated a severe OCD.

It's not alway there, it just, well, it gets worse and then it gets better.

I'll just, try to tell the story.

I've always been very, very anxious. I overthink to the point where I break down hyperventilating, and I always worry. Always. About the past, the future and what I've done and what will happen. I google myself every day, in case I did something really stupid, and if I don't do it, I will feel uncomfortable about it the whole day. I even do (this is extremely embarrasing for me to admit) a little game that is supposed to reassure me. I listen to music, I ask myself a question and depending on what kind of song it follows, it's a yes or a no. Mostly it's a question like "If the next song is (pe) sang by a female artist, a specific event won't have any negative consequences." I do that all the time, and I never really admitted this to anyone and yes, telling this is almost making me cry because it sounds so unbelievably pathetic. But I don't know if that actually counts as something related to an OCD or if I'm just losing it.

That's my biggest fear. I'm afraid of completely losing it, and I try to prevent this by all means. I try to remember specific things just to prove I'm sane and I tell them to myself when I panic, I count various things to calm me down and of course, self harm. I know self harm has nothing to do with an OCD, but everytime I completely stress out because I'm afraid I'm totally losing it, I will harm myself to get back to reality.

One thing that really puts me off, is my thoughts. I keep having thoughts I shouldn't have and I can't seem to get them away immediately. I'm afraid of snapping and killing or hurting someone, even though I somehow know I would never really do this. It's like I'm afraid of myself.

To calm me down when I need it the most, I do exactly what I described earlier on.

Please be kind to me, because I'm extremely afraid and I never really told anyone about this except my therapist. I didn't tell her everything.

I just wanted to know if anybody experienced similar things or if I'm completely wrong here and I should just go to an asylum.

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Guest InSpiritGolden

I'm new too! Hi :original:

I've got OCD. I'm almost 15 and I had OCD for almost 6 years but I still haven't told my parents, friends, school nurse or whatever.

You're not alone!

I have also sometimes get nervous or feel sick just when I'm putting the knives away when I'm doing the dishes because I always think what if I just freaked out stabbed someone or something for no reason even though I know that's literally the last thing I would do- it's really weird. :(Even if I just have an argument with a family member I worry about what if I just attack them or something crazy like that even though I know I really don't want to.

I've heard of loads of stuff like this on the internet of OCD sufferers being petrified of being a murderer or a paedophile even though they definitely never would- this sort of puts my mind at ease.

Thanks for posting, it's good to see I'm not the only one! :original:

I also have a huge problem with knives. I just look at them and I think, what if I take them and stab someone? Or What if i stab myself?

It's become so bad I can't even look at knives any more without the thoughts popping up and me panicking.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi! I'm also 18, and new here as well.

To answer your last question, I have been experiencing a lot of OCD too for awhile. I'm familiar with your feelings of being out of control, and I don't think you (or anyone else with OCD) should go to an asylum. It's so scary to have these thoughts, but I think professionals these days seem understanding.

Just wanted to let you know that I relate to you!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello Mary, I'm also new to this forum but I've been dealing with OCD for quite a while. I can relate to most of the things you said, especially the fear of knives. What you described seems 100% like OCD to me...you're not losing it and you definitely don't need to go to an asylum! You just need to learn to cope with this. When I was younger, I was in a very similar position to the one you're in. I had strange thoughts, a lot of guilt and some compulsions for years...but one day I just felt like I was going to hurt myself and I didn't know if I could stop myself or not. I didn't want to hurt myself, i was very happy with my life, but I just felt that I would lose control.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I got help from a very good therapist. He taught me about what OCD was, the thinking behind it and some strategies to control it. I have never ever hurt myself, even though I was so afraid that I would! I am about 10 years older than you and I have a normal life and mostly feel okay.

Don't worry... this process is really scary at first but you should be open minded and willing to learn. Just remember, these are just thoughts, thoughts cannot hurt you. The more you get upset and try to analyse or control them, the more you will spend thinking about them. When you get these thoughts just try to relax, tell youreself "ok this is just another thought, no big deal" and eventually they will start to have less effect on you!

Good luck!

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