Sup? I am new here...

[Guest Ihavesomeproblems..]

Hello,

ummm, not really sure what to say as this is my first time on this forum but yeah, basically I have ocd.

The earliest time I can remember have symptoms of ocd was from when I was seven years old but I was not diagnosed until I was sixteen (so that was nine fun years spent in constant anxiety and fear of myself and the compulsions I had to repeat over and over again). Though the obsessions and the compulsions have morphed over the years, they have all been absolutely terrifying and strenuous. When I was younger (7 to 13) most of my compulsions were physical in the fact that I would hold my breath for extended periods of time to the point of being completely out of breath and my vision going fuzzy. This was in order to avoid collecting the bad/evil traits of people who I was either passing by or standing next to. For example, I was, and still am very conscious about my weight so if I was walking pass someone who was fat I would hold my breath and continue to do so as if their fatness kind of lingered around me like some sort of invisible aura until I felt that it was 'safe' to breathe again. In the same way I would also collect spit in my mouth as I felt that the spit was 'infected' in the same way as the air and that by swallowing the spit, it would be the same as swallowing poison. The things I feared most and which my compulsions were based upon preventing were, becoming fat, becoming stupid, being responsible for the death of others, the loss of my soul, not going to heaven when I died, getting cancer or another disease which did not have a known cure and getting a mental disorder (which is pretty ironic I admit now looking back). My parents were aware of some of my compulsions such as the tapping of my pillow continuously for ages before I could go to sleep but despite them being both doctors, they thought it was just a 'phase' and basically just told me to stop doing my rituals. This, however, I could not and I was left alone in this weirdness without any understanding or rational basis for my thoughts or actions. My siblings were also less than helpful as they bullied me for my rituals and mocked me and called me names. This upset me greatly and made me feel very ashamed of myself.

Though through out my childhood from 7 to 13 that type of ocd made my life very uncomfortable and exhausting, it was nowhere as terrifying as when I turned 14. This was when my ocd took a turn for the worse and became intrusive thoughts. To this day I still have them, especially in times of stress and when I am in a triggering environment... I don't really want to go into what they were/are not only because they are pretty offensive and they make me feel like a terrible person but also because I feel like I have already written a pretty hefty amount (sorry about that). To continue, I didn't know about the existence of ocd until I was 15 when it was shortly mentioned in a video in class when we were discussing different mental disorders. Though I had heard of the others like bulimia and anorexia, ocd was something very new to me and something I identified with completely. After that lesson I further researched ocd and was overcome with a sense of relief that what I had experienced for so many years was actually something other people had as well and that I wasn't just crazy for not being able to control my rituals.

It was at sixteen where I discovered that the intrusive thoughts I had was also a form of ocd (pure o). This was confirmed by a psychologist. After accepting my ocd and learning to handle it better, I was left with a very great sense of hollowness. Ocd had been such a massive part and mystery of my life that now that I knew what it was and that I wasn't an evil person for the horrid and vivid thoughts I had in my head but rather I just had ocd (say whaaaat?) I just felt overwhelmingly sad, like the quietness of the wreckage left behind by a hurricane. I also felt/feel resent against my parents for not having taken me to a psychologist earlier (the fact that I got to see a psychologist at all was pure chance as it was in fact my brother's psychologist for his PTSD) and the fact that through all these years it is something I have had to cope with and help myself with. This constant disappointment and shame in myself coupled with how screwed up and broken my family is and my brother's situation with his PTSD from being bullied lead me to become quite become diagnosed with depression at 17. I am 18 now and though I have seen multiple psychologists I never really felt like they helped because they didn't seem to understand what exactly was going on inside my head or whom I was. That is why I have joined this forum, to see if there is anyone out there who has gone through something similar... who might understand... that would be nice... yeah. Umm so anyway sorry again for the huge amount of stuff I wrote (I don't blame you if you didn't read all of it, I am a pretty lazy reader too) but yeah, I don't really know how this works ummm bye I guess?

x :original: x

[PolarBear]

Ihavesomeproblems, welcome to the forum.

Getting diagnosed with OCD was a big relief for me for the most part, though I struggled with, "Oh my god I have a mental disorder!" I wanted to jump and down because my thoughts had a name but also crawl under a rock because I had a mental disorder.

Try to take some solace in the fact that you did nothing to bring the OCD on. The big wheel spun and you got picked. It sucks. It sucks for over 100 million people on Earth.

How's your obsessions these days? Did you get any therapy?

[Guest Ihavesomeproblems..]

Hey PolarBear, nice to meet you.

I felt exactly the same way when I was diagnosed, I was overcome with relief that there was actually an explanation to the thoughts in my head but still felt stunned by the fact I had a mental disorder. My obsessions are for the most time not as bad as they used to be though they do tend to fluctuate in intensity a lot especially if something happens which triggers my intrusive thoughts or I am in a pressured situation (for example exams/ results day). I did and do still get therapy from when I was 16 but it didn't really help as the therapist would keep pressuring me to tell her what my intrusive thoughts were but I refused to do so as I felt that it would do me more harm than good. This lead to the sessions going round in circles and not really going anywhere.

What about you? How are you coping? do you get any therapy?

[PolarBear]

I'll tell you that honesty is the best policy when it comes to dealing with your therapist. That is, if your therapist is experienced dealing with people with OCD and knows about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention, which are the gold standards for treating OCD.

Stress most definitely makes OCD worse. We hear all the time on the forum cases of OCD getting worse during times of high stress.

I'm doing great. I suffered from OCD for 40 years before I got help. I had a lot of different obsessions. The biggest two were harm of others and thoughts of being a pedophile. Nasty stuff. I was put on medications that really helped me. I also took CBT/ERP and relaxation therapy. I now consider myself mostly recovered from OCD and I spend a lot of time on the forum here trying to help where I can.