Hello guys :)

[Guest J11]

Hi there everybody

I have suffered from anxiety, OCD and mild depression since I was a little kid. I'm 31 now. It was really tough being so young and not knowing what was wrong with me. It often makes me cry when I think about it. I just wanted to be like everyone else around me, none of them seemed to be 'weird' like me and all came across as happy and fine. I think it's this ostracisation that makes OCD such a difficult thing to cope with. The feeling that you are the only one with these thoughts etc and that you are mad or horrible can be very distressing as I know many of you will relate to. I'm really glad OCD has become more of a recognised illness these days and there are places like this where we can come for support.

My OCD manifests itself mostly as intrusive thought disorder. When I was little I became obsessed with telling my Mum all the wrong things I had done. I would even force myself to think bad things and then had to tell her - some of them were pretty horrific and it was very upsetting for me and my family. That's the worst bit - how do you explain to someone that it isn't you thinking these things it's OCD when you don't even know that OCD exists and they think you are twisted because they don't understand the illness either. That's why I think it is so important to raise awareness…... I can often be plagued by unwanted horrific thoughts. I used to have a serious problem with compulsions as I believed if I didn't perform certain acts or prayers repeatedly until the 'right' moment these thoughts would come true. These episodes have eased off a fair amount since I received treatment in the form of counselling sessions/cbt and was put on fluoxetine a few years ago. I slowly weaned myself off the fluoxetine a couple of years ago as I found it changed my behaviour in some ways I did not like but it did break the thoughts and behaviours and gave me a chance to relearn my thinking patterns etc. One of the main things I've learnt is the less anxiety you attach to a thought the better. That can be a great task I know but I have found it is a good tactic to just say to yourself, it is just my OCD, not me, therefore your psychological reaction to the thought is not as powerful and the cycle is less likely to be maintained. I'm a lot better, which hopefully gives some hope to those that feel completely consumed and helpless, but I'm not out of the woods yet (I probably never will be but the more I can improve my situation the better). I am also battling (and winning) a drink problem that partly stems from avoidance of my anxiety and OCD really. It's a vicious circle really as you drink to avoid that but the next day your anxiety/OCD is much worse and it's possible you have done something stupid in drink that will trouble you.

I have a problem at the moment (and have done for years) with embarrassing thoughts haunting me to the point where I am so distressed by them my body actually convulses in an attempt to release the tension. It is basically like a huge physical cringe. It is a strange thing when my body tenses and twitches due to the overwhelming feeling of embarrassment that I can't shake off - my boyfriend still doesn't quite get it when it happens to me and I am involuntarily twitching massively! It is usually linked with something I have done or said that I think was stupid. The problem as well is that my anxiety attacks make me have complete mind blanks where I just suddenly stop computing all information, visually etc, so this can be embarrassing and often leads me to act strangely sometimes and I know people think I'm either utterly stupid (which I'm not so that is frustrating) or really weird. It's happened to me at family gatherings etc and I just can't shake off replaying what I've done in my head and how weird my family members (especially the ones I am not close to but see now and then) must think I am. A lot of them don't know about my illness you see so it troubles me greatly what they think of my behaviour.

Sorry for the essay! Just needed to get that out! I'm just wondering does anyone else suffer from any of these symptoms/problems and what do you do to combat them please?

Good luck to you all on your quest to combat this horrible condition - as I said before, things can get better! There is hope! Remember you are better and more valuable than the OCD. It is your life not the illness's - you deserve to live a happy existence, it is your right. Thanks for offering a place for support for all this and I hope I can be of some help and support in return :-)

J x

[PolarBear]

Welcome to the forum, J11. I don't have those particular symptoms. Hopefully someone else comes along and answers you. If not you can always post that question in the main forum, which is much busier than this introduction forum.

[Guest Saved by zero]

I can very much relate to you.

I developed OCD when I was 11.

I was a kid and had no idea what OCD was or that there was such a thing.

I thought I was crazy and a horrible person because of the things going on in my head.

I had (and still do have) intrusive thoughts about horrible things and thought that if I didn't carry out a compulsion that it would come true.

I lived like that for 18 years until I finally couldn't live like that anymore and had to get help.

I was diagnosed with OCD and went on medication.

It was a relief to find out it had a name and that other people had the same thoughts that I did.

My mind is always dragging up things that I did or said in the past that I feel really stupid about.

I'll be having a fairly good day and it's like my mind just brings up things that happened 20 or 30 years ago just to upset me.

When I have good days I think about going off of medication, then realize that it is because of the meds that I am feeling that way.

Because of my OCD I have problems with family gatherings too. Not just with distant relatives, but, with my immediate family.

I think that I don't deserve to be with them and that if they knew what was going on inside my head they would have nothing to do with me.

I've kind of isolated myself from most of my friends, because of my social anxiety problems as well.

I spend most of my time with just my wife. One of only a few people who knows about my OCD.

After hiding it for 40 years I have finally started telling people about it and am no longer ashamed of the way I am.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Saved by zero