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New here - end of my tether as anxiety strikes again!


Guest Rosiebella1

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Guest Rosiebella1

Hi all my names Rosie I am 25 years old with a good job and loving family yet I have always suffered with anxiety and ocd for as long as I can remember. I think I'm naturally a quite shy anxious person (yet others wouldn't believe I'm shy) and it all got a whole lot worse when my grandad passed away who was like a dad to me, not having my own dad around from when I was three years old. Anyway back to the topic so to not bore you, I am recently suffering with anxiety really bad I don't know if it's the winter months but I was doing so well then all of a sudden it hits me again. Last year I broke up with my long term boyfriend (my choice) because of many issues, he was a compulsive liar, played mind games, narcissistic, controlling, calling other girls behind my back and lying about it and go knows what else!! to name a few and I went through a really bad break up (found out I was pregnant when we had split up and went through an abortion as I was in a bad place and also didn't trust this man to bring a baby into the equation and knew he would have trapped me for good) However as with all relationships he had his good days and my ocd makes me obsess over the fact that I ended it and makes me constantly doubt myself with thoughts such as 'what if he did love you and all this was in your insecure ocd mind' 'what If I lost the one man who loved me' I think it affects me more as I have never been close with my dad and having a man accept and love me for me was a big deal and it hurt when he started to withdraw and I blamed myself until I realised some obvious games he was playing and got strong. I don't expect you to read all this but it has really helped me get things off my mind and I would so appreciate someone helping me move forward and stop obsessing over the past. When I am busy I am happy and enjoy life on a whole it's just when this anxiety rears its ugly head I feel really unsure of my decisions and wish I didn't have ocd and could be sure of my choices I made. I also worry I might be bipolar as I can be really up one minute then down the next and suffer with my sleep due to anxiety etc and can be promiscuous at times for attention but deep down i just want a nice relationship and to be loved but worry I attract the wrong kind of guys. Overall I would just like some guidance, I am really proud that I managed to walk away from a bad relationship and know one day when I meet the right person I will realise all my gut instincts were right about him but I guess as it has been a year and I haven't met anyone and I did really love him I start to doubt my decisions and just generally myself. I don't want to be this person. I want to know what I want and be sure about my choices. Sorry to bore you all (I am also super anxious after 24 hours with hardly any sleep so my thoughts are racing) so hope this makes sense or you can see what my question is. Ps I know this sounds just like obsessions rather than ocd but I had ocd as a kid and feel this is the same thing except no compulsions, well my xompulsions are to obsess and go over things until I feel sure about it!!! Driving me mad. I just want to be happy and hate how anxiety can change my whole mood and life. Any tips would be greatly appreciated and I am also good at giving advise as have been through it on any other type of ocd as have overcome the rituals etx. Hope to speak soon! (Worrying I sound an absolute idiot!!) xx

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Hi Rosie. Ha, you don't sound like an idiot. An important part of over coming OCD is accepting uncertainty. Next time thoughts about that relationship come into your head just let them flow but don't analyse or engage with them. Personally I think you were right to walk away. A liar, a cheat and a control freak - he's hardly every woman's dream is he? But that's just my opinion. You have to accept the fact that you don't know if you've done the right thing.

I couldn't say if it sounds like you have bipolar disorder or not. If it's having an impact on your life you could ask your doctor. Have you mentioned this to him/her before? Or had any treatment for anxiety/OCD?

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Hi Rosie, welcome! Unfortunately when it comes to anxiety disorders like OCD it's not about having a perfect family or perfect life, the anxiety we feel isn't caused by the world around us but because of a, well. Glitch in our brains. The frustration you are feeling is definitely reasonable, and I doubt you'd find a single person on the forums who can't relate. So many times I've wished to just be able to live my life without the OCD getting in the way, as Im sure you have too!

The best thing you can do I would say is to try and work with a trained mental health professional. Not only will they be able to help you get diagnosed so you can figure out what particular problems you have, whether it's OCD, bi-polar, GAD, etc. but they can also help you get situated on a path to recovery and taking back control. It won't always be easy, and may take time but it's worth it.

You mention not being sure if it's OCD because of obsessions without compulsions, but dwelling and ruminating on the thoughts can itself be one of the biggest compulsions. I've personally never had outward compulsions like counting or hand washing, but definitely have had mental compulsions and lots of others here are in the same boat.

I hope being around others who can relate to your struggles will prove helpful! Best of luck in your journey to recovery!

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Guest Rosiebella1

Thank you for your lovely replies. I didn't expect anything back to that long essay and I really appreciate them. It means a lot as I can't really speak about it to my family or friends as worry they will think I am going on! I know deep down I was right to end the relationship but I just always find doubts. I think your right though I have to accept the doubts and get on with life anyway. What you say about ocd being ruminating then I defo still have it as sometimes I can sit ruminating for hours and just waste my day but I have to work it out in my mind. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm working out its such a muddle! I have had cBt when I was 15 and it helped me stop the compulsions, I also went on anti depressants but they made me gain weight and didn't help much. I then stopped the ocd for a while but as soon as it's winter again it's came back (noticed I get it more in winter time!! Or time of the month!) I think I will go see my doctor just because I want to rule out bipolar as I get sudden urges of energy sometimes and feel really up and I would rather be on the same level than up and down. Thanks again for your help and replies, it has made me feel optimistic and determined to overcome this. Glad there are forums like this where we can advise and help eachother. ? x x x

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sometimes I can sit ruminating for hours and just waste my day but I have to work it out in my mind. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm working out its such a muddle!

This is a trap I've caught myself in so many times. I feel the need to ruminate, to contemplate, to analyze. I hold these dialogues in my head trying to break things down, and like you sometimes I'm not even sure why! It took me a looooong time to realize that this was not just me trying to deal with my OCD, but an actual OCD compulsion! The underlying problem is basically the same as a person who needs to keep washing their hands until they feel "right", we need to ruminate about a problem until we feel "right". Its hard, and its something I still struggle with but really the thing is you DON'T need to work it out in your mind. It turns out that this is all just the OCD making me FEEL like I need to figure things out, but the reality is I already know what I need to, that its OCD. If you can start seeing these rumination sessions as compulsions, and work at reducing them, I think it will help in your recovery.

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